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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28011105">Unshaken</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/JotunBoss/pseuds/JotunBoss'>JotunBoss</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, M/M, Minor Character Death, More like Red Dead Redemption Arc am I right?, Nightmares, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Racism, Period-Typical Sexism, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Torture, Video Game: Red Dead Redemption 2 (2018), Wordcount: 30.000-50.000</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:41:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>41,730</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28011105</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/JotunBoss/pseuds/JotunBoss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kieran wants to be someone. Someone strong. Someone who can stand up for himself. Someone like Arthur Morgan. But he can't seem to shake his past in order to move forward with his life.</p><p>Can he convince the group that he really isn't an O'Driscoll? Or will his nightmares of falling into Colm's clutches once more become a reality?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kieran Duffy/Arthur Morgan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>115</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Hello, Old Friend</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"I could build a bridge to my heart and lead the way<br/></em>
  <em>I could build a home for your world I would not betray."<br/></em>
  <em>- Novi &amp; Tyler Blackburn<br/></em>
  <em>'Can't Love Me'</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>1</strong>
</p><p>"Got a bite there, O'Driscoll," Arthur called. "Better start reelin' or we'll never hear the end of it from Pearson."</p><p>"I got it," Kieran assured, pulling up the rod and turning the handle in quick motions, aware that Arthur's own fishing line was resting limp in the man's hand, his attention now on Kieran. He could already tell that whatever he caught wasn't going to be anything to show off, but it was something. "Probably another bass. Might not have much meat on it." Kieran said as he twisted the rod up and to the right, not wanting the little guy to escape.</p><p>"Well take him in, let's have a look," Arthur said, swinging his arm towards himself.</p><p>The fish eventually got tired, and Kieran gave the last few tugs on the handle, and just as he expected, a fish really only big enough for two people to eat emerged.</p><p>"Wow, would you look at that? Almost as big as you," Arthur mocked.</p><p>"Ha ha, very funny." He smiled to himself as he tossed the fish into their nearby bucket. Usually they'd throw the younger ones back in for a chance to grow up and get more meat on them, but Arthur was on a food run when he lost a few deer in an attack from some bounty hunters and they didn't get much to eat yesterday, so they're stocking up a little more on the fish for the time being.</p><p>"Well," Arthur straightened up and began to collapse his fishing rod. "I think we've gathered enough to last us a little while if we can manage to keep Bill away from 'em, whad'ya say?"</p><p>"I say a'right."</p><p>
  <strong>2</strong>
</p><p>"Mr Morgan!" Pearson called out, jogging up to the pair; although it was more of an urgent walk than a jog.</p><p>"Calm down, calm down, we've got your damn fish. Here."</p><p>"No, no. It's Mr Van der Linde, he's looking for you. He's real angry, Mr Morgan."</p><p>"Goddamn it," Arthur mumbled to himself. He handed the bucket of fish over to Kieran in a half-minded state, who almost buckled over by the sudden weight, before Pearson spared the poor man and took it off him.</p><p>"What's going on?" Kieran asked Simon as Arthur took off towards Dutch's tent. He had been there long enough that he shouldn't feel the need to fear anyone's wrath any longer, but Kieran was just a fearing man, and he worried that anyone would take their anger out on him whenever anything went wrong.</p><p>"Them damn O'Driscolls," Pearson said. "Stirring up trouble again, I suppose."</p><p>"They're not here, are they?" Kieran said, unable to hide the shake in his voice and began picking at his nails. Pearson just gave a single laugh.</p><p>"God, no. I'd be usin' these fish as weapons by now if they were. Don't you worry, kid."</p><p>"A-All right," Kieran muttered, giving a half smile with furrowed brows.</p><p>"Besides, if the O'Driscolls were here, you'd be the first to know, wouldn't ya?" Pearson laughed loud enough to make Kieran flinch. He must have noticed this and gave him a pat on the shoulder as he walked past to let him know he was only joking.</p><p>Perhaps.</p><p>Over in Dutch's tent, the man was pacing the small area, his eyes squinting and snarling like a dog.</p><p>"Molly didn't accuse you of cheatin' for the hundredth time today, did she?" Arthur asked, rubbing his stubble as he approached the older man.</p><p>"I am in no frame of mind for games, son," Dutch said. "O'Driscolls ambushed us on our way to Rhodes."</p><p>"Well I assume Ms Adler took care of them?"</p><p>"Oh, she did. Counting her trophies as we speak. But that's not the point, Arthur. If they're close enough to ambush us on the road, then they're close enough to know where our camp is."</p><p>"And we've already got Pinkertons on our tail," Arthur added.</p><p>"<em>And</em> we're now in Lemoyne territory, and this place seems to have a militia of its own."</p><p>"Which is why we keep talkin' about headin' west, Dutch."</p><p>"I know, I know, it's all I hear from you nowadays." Dutch put a hand on Arthur's shoulder. "But we can't risk leading <em>here</em> over <em>there</em>. We shake off what's on our tails now, then we'll go as far west as we shall so desire."</p><p>"We may never shake these people off our tails, Dutch. Then there'll never <em>be</em> no west."</p><p>"Need I ask for faith, son? We won't work past this without it."</p><p>"All I'm sayin' is that we kill one man and two more show up. How much longer is this going to take?"</p><p>"As long as it needs." Arthur just shook his head, looking away from Dutch. "We are what we are. We do what we do. This life comes with consequences. We pay our prices just like everyone else. We chose to sleep with our guns under our pillows."</p><p>"We run, Dutch. That's what we do. We don't run <em>after</em> anyone."</p><p>"And we're <em>not</em>. Colm will get what's coming to him." There it was. The look on Dutch's face. So sure of himself. Rage could make a man think he's capable of anything.</p><p>"What's the plan this time, then?" Dutch didn't reply, only ran a hand over his facial hair and began pacing once more. "Don't tell me you don't have a <em>plan</em>?"</p><p>"Of <em>course</em> I have a plan. It's just a question of whether or not you and everybody else will be on board with it, since you seem to look down on our methods as of late."</p><p>"Well then what is it?"</p><p>
  <strong>3</strong>
</p><p>"No. No, no, no, no, no. I-I-I can't do that. I-I <em>won't </em>do that." Kieran's voice was shaky yet definite. Just when you thought the man couldn't look any more nervous.</p><p>"Kieran," Arthur said with a reassuring voice from behind Dutch, who was just staring at Kieran like he was a spider on a wall, challenging him to move.</p><p>"No, I can't. This isn't just about whether or not it will work. I know it won't."</p><p>"Just hear Dutch out, all right?"</p><p>"If they see me, they will kill me," Kieran said, voice low, like a child telling a secret. "I rode with them, I know how they work, how they operate. They have men awake day and night, they're always on watch. It's just not doable." Kieran looked like he wanted to keep talking, but Dutch held up a steady hand as a sign to stop.</p><p>"If you want to be a part of this group, you'll need to earn your keep." Dutch spoke slowly but surely. Each word sounded just as intimidating as if they were spoken on their own.</p><p>"That's not fair, I've already proved myself. That's why you don't keep me tied to a tree no more, right? A-And I do a lot for this group. I fish, I clean the saddles, I tend to the horses—"</p><p>"Any one of us can do those things, son. It takes devotion to give yourself to a cause. To risk your life for your family. And that's what this is." Dutch motioned in a circle with his finger. "You won't find a single person here in this camp that has not shown us in one way or another just how far they would go to protect one another. You don't earn trust by doing chores, you earn trust by puttin' yourself in the face of danger in order to protect the well-being of those you care for. I will not wait until it's too late to find out whether or not you would do that for us."</p><p>"You don't think that me turnin' my back on Colm O'Driscoll for this gang was enough? I don't want to be on anyone's wanted list, but here I am."</p><p>"You're here because we <em>took</em> you. And now that you are no longer tied to a tree, we are offerin' you the chance to stay. To truly become one of us. But this comes at a price. <em>This</em> is the price." Dutch always had the last say, and he got it just by the way his eyes squinted, his teeth clenched, and the way he took off in large strides.</p><p>"Storming into one of Colm's camps?" Kieran shook his head at the man before turning to Arthur. "You might as well shoot me yourself."</p><p>"You're not stormin' anywhere. You're sneakin' in, riggin' up some carts, stockin' in some poisoned food, and that's it. These carts move around, it'll go to wherever Colm is. It'll be good for us. You'll do just fine."</p><p>"Arthur, I don't do this kind of stuff, at least not by myself. You know me enough by now to know that."</p><p>"Now don't doubt yourself, Kieran. You handled yourself just fine at Six Point Cabin, didn't ya? You're always quick to point out you saved my life that day, and as much as I'd hate to give into anyone's ego, you <em>did</em> save my life."</p><p>"That was different, you guys did all the killin', I just shot one guy and he didn't even know I was there. You're asking me to go into a lion's den by myself. Why can't I have some backup?" Arthur just grunted, like Kieran had a point but the situation was still unfortunate.</p><p>"Dutch has his principles, I suppose. He wants you to prove you can handle yourself, so you need to be able to do this on your own. We need to know that we can all handle ourselves should we need to. The only way Dutch is gonna believe you're here for the long run is if you go against Colm and his men. Poetic justice or whatever. He's just… sceptical, and with you coming from Colm O'Driscoll, he has every right to be. I'm sure you understand." Kieran gave a light nod at this. He knew the type of people that Colm hired. He trusted himself to jump off of a moving train before he trusted any of them.</p><p>"It's just that y'all keep sayin' that. Sayin' I need to prove myself, like I'm a villain unless proven the hero. Like I'm just one of the bad men in Mary-Beth's books. I spend my time with you more than anyone, you should know I give everything I'm capable of to this group. Well, everything they will let me, at least."</p><p>Kieran slumped onto a nearby tree stump, his leg jittering with worry. If he couldn't convince Arthur, he couldn't convince anyone. Arthur was the only one who really had an ear for him, so Kieran didn't know if he really was over-thinking this, or if the gang didn't care about what happened to him after all.</p><p>But Arthur did. Not that he would admit it. He felt a little shaken at the idea of seeing an ex-O'Driscoll as a new member of the family, like how you feel when you think about what happens after you die. It just gave you the shivers. But it also felt like progress. Like maybe he didn't have to spend all of his time killing. Because how many people like Kieran had he already killed? How many <em>will</em> he kill? Just recruits looking for a place to call home, and Colm taking advantage of that.</p><p>But if Dutch needed proving, then Dutch needed proving.</p><p>Arthur could accept that. But he just wasn't sure if Kieran could.</p><p>
  <strong>4</strong>
</p><p>As Dutch made his way back to his tent, something caught his attention in the corner of his eyes, and they wandered to a white material flapping against one of the trees in the perimeter of the camp. As he got closer he realised it was a piece of paper. A letter, in fact.</p><p>He gave the paper a quick pull, the nail ripping a jagged line in the top centre. The letter was addressed to him, and he immediately knew who's handwriting it belonged to.</p><p>Colm O'Driscoll's.</p><p>Dutch's grip tightened on the paper, crunching up the edge and letting his fingernails dig indents into the ink. Without taking his eyes off of it, he strode over to his tent for privacy, and let the cover flap fall shut in one flick of his wrist and laid the letter down onto his desk. He hunched over and read.</p><p>
  <em>Dear Ole' Dutch,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I gotta say, you camp looks to be thriving. Got them workin' like sheep, don't ya? Obedient dogs, faithful to their master. Who am I to disagree though, right? We both know how to keep our men in check. Men, I say. Looks like you’ve got your women workin' in more ways than one, ey? Classic Dutch.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Especially the blonde woman in men's clothing. She handled herself pretty well for a lady during her little confrontation with my men. Hell, I'd say she fought harder than any of your boys ever did. Especially back in the day. You remember them times, don't you, old friend? Of course you do. It was back when you buried poor sweet Annabelle. Such a shame. For you.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maybe we can look back on those old times together, what do you say? I'd love to take a closer look at what you got going on over there. Maybe I'll stop by. Maybe a lot of my men will stop by. I hope there's room for all of us. If not, I'm sure we'll make room. You'll be all right with that, won't ya?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Say hello to Kieran for me.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Colm O'Driscoll.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Proving</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u"></span>
  <em>"And so I sent some men to fight<br/></em>
  <em>And one came back at dead of night<br/></em>
  <em>Said he'd seen my enemy<br/></em>
  <em>Said he looked just like me."<br/></em>
  <em>- James Blunt<br/></em>
  <em>'Same Mistake'</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>1</strong>
</p><p>Arthur, Dutch, Micah and Javier positioned themselves on the edge of a nearby hill overlooking the O'Driscoll camp. They scrambled on their stomachs to remain unseen, staring down their binoculars at the entrance where two men were standing guard; or at least they were supposed to be. They were rather using the time as a smoke break, neither with their guns equipped or even facing the entrance to keep an eye out for intruders.</p><p>"You sure he even knows how to throw that knife?" Micah asked.</p><p>"He's just fine. Hopefully he won't need 'em," Arthur said, distracted with anticipation.</p><p>"Oh yeah? You seen him? The kid acts like a woman." Micah drew out the last word. "He whines all day long and can't fight for shit."</p><p>"You wanna tell me why you came along?" Arthur questioned.</p><p>"Oh, just making sure you actually went through with this. You wouldn't've noticed if a train of O'Driscolls passed right by you while you were giving Kieran a ride on a little more than your horse."</p><p>"Shut the fuck up, Micah," Javier warned. "If you think you can do a better job, you go down there yourself. I’m sure Kieran could use the bait." The blond scoffed back with a smug smile. No matter how much they criticised him, he could still say whatever he wanted to say, and they couldn't take that away from him. Arthur had grown accustomed to just ignoring the idiot, but he still appreciated Javier's support.</p><p>"Enough, gentlemen," Dutch intervened. "It's begun."</p><p>They turned their attention back to the camp, seeing Kieran kneeling behind a boulder, looking like he wanted to be anywhere else but there. But he still looked determined, like it was life or death. Probably because it was.</p><p>"Goddamn. Can you imagine if this worked?" Dutch said, looking awfully proud. "I can just see the headlines now. Infamous outlaw Colm O'Driscoll slain by one of his own men."</p><p>"We can't keep having this conversation, Dutch," Arthur said, sounding tired of the same play.</p><p>"Kieran's not an O'Driscoll, I know, I hear you, son. But you know what I'm talking about. You treat your men like dogs, and soon enough you'll get bit by one."</p><p>"That's right," Micah teased. "Maybe you'll wanna jot that down in that little diary of yours, Morgan."</p><p>Arthur took a quick look at Dutch, and couldn't understand how the man could just let Micah get away with acting the way he did. Micah had only been riding with them for around six months and he'd already managed to turn Dutch blind to his behaviour. Dutch and Hosea used to be two sides of the same coin, but everything about him seemed to had changed since the arrival of one Micah Bell. Arthur wasn't even sure that this whole initiation for Kieran would even be happening if he hadn't've joined. He just wanted to grab his mentor by his waistcoat and shake him until all of his loose screws fell out. But instead Arthur just kept his focus on Kieran. He was what was important right now. He didn’t want Micah to get the better of him.</p><p>"There's quite a few of 'em down there," Javier noticed. "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. We should have gone with a smaller camp."</p><p>"Patience, son," Dutch assured. "Everything will fall together as it should."</p><p>Arthur shook his head as he watched Kieran fumble with his throwing knives. He looked like he was getting ready to kill, which most definitely was not the plan unless he was spotted. If he went for the guards, he'd better have a damn good double shot, but Arthur knew that wasn't true.</p><p>"Leave the guards, kid, just sneak in the way we told ya," he muttered to himself.</p><p>"He's going for the O'Driscolls," Javier said. "You told him not to, right?"</p><p>"Of course we did," Arthur replied.</p><p>"That fuckin' idiot," Micah spat. "He's gonna get us all killed."</p><p>In that moment, Kieran leaned out from cover and tossed his throwing knife straight at one of the guards. The blade landed just below the O'Driscoll's neck, and deep enough to sever arteries. He clawed at his throat, and pulled at the knife which only made things worse. Blood coated his jacket and he collapsed to his knees before dropping into the dirt, pooling dark liquid around him.</p><p>"Brendan's down!" the remaining guard yelled, arming himself.</p><p>"Mierda." Javier hissed. They all lowered their binoculars, and could see the camp turn into a state of panic within seconds. The distant sound of metal was unmistakable. The herd of O'Driscolls were retrieving their weapons, and Kieran was alone.</p><p>"I need to go down there." Arthur rose to a knee before Dutch grabbed him on the arm.</p><p>"You'll do no such thing. He can handle it."</p><p>"Look at him, Dutch, he's gonna get himself killed down there!" Arthur pulled his arm from the man's grip and mounted his horse that was a few feet below the mountain, hidden from the camp's view.</p><p>As he rode over the hill, he could see that Kieran was once more behind cover, with three guards approaching him before they noticed Arthur.</p><p>"Over there!" one of them called, pointing straight before aiming his weapon.</p><p>O'Driscolls were never great shooters.</p><p>Arthur fired his repeater in quick bursts that resulted in three accurate head shots, all dead before the first to die had even hit the ground.</p><p>"Goddamn it, Kieran!" he growled as his horse skidded to a stop and dismounted. He picked up one of the dead guard's gun, and shoved the bolt action rifle into the younger man's chest. "Stay back and cover us."</p><p>Kieran held the gun like it was his lifeline, and stepped back to let Arthur, Javier, Dutch and Micah run into the camp, taking cover and shooting as many O'Driscolls as they could. He had all the time in the world to realise just how much he had fucked up when this was done, but right now Arthur asked for his help, and he was going to do what he was told. He stayed outside the camp, leaning in the gateway to shoot those that were getting too close.</p><p>"How many more of these guys?" Javier called out, peering over the box he was behind to do a headcount.</p><p>"We've got most of 'em. Just keep firin'," Arthur replied. "Kieran, you've got the angle on 'em. Take 'em out."</p><p>Kieran nodded even though Arthur wasn't looking at him, and bent back into cover to reload once more. He tugged the bolt back, but the rifle jammed. The damn O'Driscolls can't even clean a weapon right.</p><p>"Kieran!" Arthur yelled out once more, sounding impatient. As he should be.</p><p>"The gun jammed!"</p><p>"Damn it, kid, get another one!"</p><p>Kieran threw the gun to the side and pulled another gun from one of the corpses. He pulled back the bolt once more, and leaned out of cover. Right on the opposite side of the gate was an O'Driscoll, gun aimed straight at Javier.</p><p>"Behind you!" Kieran called, but this only spooked the guard, and fired.</p><p>Javier screamed into the air, grabbing his arm and shooting with his other. The guard was knocked back, and slid down the fence wall, blood pouring out from his stomach and lips.</p><p>"Are you all right, son?" Dutch called out. Javier was holding his bicep, groaning and stomping the dirt in anger to try and relieve some pain.</p><p>"Javier's been shot!" Arthur told him.</p><p>"Goddamn it!" Dutch roared. He no longer held back, leaning further out from cover, and firing in masses at what was left of the now outnumbered O'Driscolls.</p><p>The camp turned silent after the last shot rang out. The look on Dutch's face was pure hot white anger. Arthur hadn't seen anything like it since Annabelle's death. Dutch liked to get angry, it fuelled him, but this was something different. This was beyond even his control, and few things ever were.</p><p>"Are we clear?" Javier asked, letting Arthur see the wound.</p><p>"We're clear," Micah replied, still looking around in case there was anyone hiding. "Those that have left have already rode off. Cowards."</p><p>"Good, then get me the hell outta here." He winced once more, gritting his teeth as Arthur pulled him up by his other arm.</p><p>"We need to get Javier back to camp and have his arm looked at." Dutch ordered. "Arthur, Javier rides with you. Micah, you lead Boaz, and Kieran?" Dutch stopped, and twisted his face in disgust at the man. "You stay back. Where I can't see you."</p><p>Kieran opened his mouth to try and explain, but Micah shoved past him, trying his best to mirror Dutch's expression, but the man always had a filthy look on his face. It still scared Kieran nonetheless, and he kept his mouth shut. He didn't have an explanation anyway.</p><p>They rode in almost complete silence. Arthur was checking up on Javier to make sure he was comfortable, but that was about it. Once they were in the clear of the destruction, Kieran looked back at the crumbling camp. It wasn't supposed to have ended like this. It all went wrong, and it was because of him. Because he couldn't do this one thing right. Not for himself, and not for the gang.</p><p>He failed them. He failed Javier. And he failed Dutch. He had his chance to earn his place in this world for the first time, and he blew it. If only he had been smarter, had been more brave, was strong enough to defend himself, then he wouldn't be in this mess.</p><p>But most of all, and more importantly, he failed Arthur.</p><p>This was his first real chance to give Arthur a reason to look at him like a real man, like he wasn't just some ball on the end of a string he needed to drag around, and he screwed it all up. He wanted to be able to protect Arthur, but how could he do that? He couldn't even protect himself.</p><p>
  <strong>2</strong>
</p><p>"What the hell happened out there?"</p><p>"I don't wanna talk about it, Arthur." Kieran started to walk back to his corner of the camp the second he hitched Branwen, his Tennessee Walker. He didn't want to be around the members of the group right now. He knew what they were all thinking, and he was sure Micah would spin the story one way or another. Not that the situation wasn't already fucked up as it was. They were focusing on Javier, and getting his arm patched up, the last person they needed lingering around them right now was Kieran.</p><p>"Well tough shit, kid, you're talkin'."</p><p>"Can you please just let it go?" Kieran begged. He kept his head down, focused on the saddle in his lap and wished Arthur would let him clean by himself. He had had enough of disappointed glances for one day.</p><p>"Nah, we're gonna talk right now, boy."</p><p>"Jesus Christ," Kieran whispered. "I screwed up, okay? Now will you please just leave me be?"</p><p>"Back there? That wasn't a mistake. You understood full well what you needed to do, and to get the hell outta there. But now Javier's been shot and Colm's gonna know about this."</p><p>"I know," Kieran muttered, closing his eyes, trying not to remember what happened.</p><p>"Well then what the hell was that all about?" Kieran sighed and tossed the brush back into the water bucket. If Arthur was anything, he was stubborn, and he would not let this go.</p><p>"I wanted to prove myself, like you've all been telling me to do. I thought that if I did more than just what you asked me to do then maybe you'd think that I stepped up, that I can exceed your expectations of me. But it backfired, obviously, and there's nothing I can do to apologise. I mean, if <em>you're </em>angry at me, I don't think I'll survive the night with <em>those</em> guys."</p><p>Arthur looked over at the small gathering, seeing Javier's wince from the distance as alcohol was poured over his wound.</p><p>"You were beggin' us not to make you do this in the first place, you knew the plan was dangerous. What the hell made you want to risk somethin' like this?"</p><p>"Because I wanted <em>you </em>to think better of me. I'm sick of you thinkin' I'm this weak, defenceless <em>runt</em>," he admitted. "If I just did what Dutch asked me to, then you'd think that I was limited to just sneakin' around and keepin' my head down. I wanted to prove to you that I can help, and that I can kill."</p><p>"Right, and that's why Javier almost died out there, because you sure killed the guy that was comin' for 'im."</p><p>"I panicked!"</p><p>"Then obviously you have limits! We all do! But when we ask you to do somethin', we expect you to do it! How's Dutch supposed to trust you now, huh? How am I?"</p><p>Kieran flinched at those last words, and Arthur regretted saying them when he saw his face drop.</p><p>"Kieran, listen…"</p><p>"Dutch has the last say on this, don't he?" Kieran turned cold. "If he wants me to leave, I'll leave. You won't need to force yourself to trust me then, will ya?" He grabbed a basket of horse brushes and avoided Arthur as he walked past and back to his horse.</p><p>Arthur felt fucking horrible. He didn't want to make the kid think he didn't trust him, he just wanted to motivate him to do better, but now it looked like they both messed up.</p><p>"Uncle Arthur!" Jack said, sounding much more happy than anyone else was in the camp. "We were supposed to go fishing!"</p><p>"I know, Jack, I'm sorry, but somethin' came up. Maybe tomorrow, a'right?" Arthur put a hand on the boy's shoulder.</p><p>"Okay." Jack sounded disappointed but he was not upset. There was always tomorrow. It was better to fish in the mornings anyway.</p><p>Arthur gestured over to John and Abigail, who were getting ready to go to sleep, and Jack headed over to them.</p><p>Kieran was right. Dutch did have the last say, and Arthur was worried that he would be packing up Kieran's belongings the second Javier was settled in. He had to find a way to convince Dutch to let Kieran stay. If the man was abandoned over this, then Arthur knew that he couldn't stand not knowing if he ever needed help, or if he was dead, or picked up by a gang worse than the O'Driscolls. This country sure wasn't scarce off bad men looking for impressionable people like Kieran to recruit.</p><p>But what kept Arthur awake that night was the fact that Kieran told him he wanted to prove to <em>him</em> that he was worth it. Not Dutch, not anyone else, but <em>him</em>. He didn't know what this meant, or why he was insistent on making Arthur proud of him, but it made him feel regret at how hard he was on the guy. He didn't want to push him too hard, he just wanted Dutch to see in Kieran what Arthur already did.</p><p>Arthur fell asleep that night to the sound of the dying fire, and to the question in his mind of what it was about Kieran that he was so drawn to in the first place.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. All Our Times Have Come</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u"></span>
  <em>"What do I do to make you want me?</em>
  <br/>
  <em>What have I got to do to be heard?<br/></em>
  <em>What do I say when it's all over<br/></em>
  <em>And sorry seems to be the hardest word?"<br/></em>
  <em>- Elton John<br/></em>
  <em>'Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word'</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>1</strong>
</p><p>Kieran knew he wasn't going to get any sleep that night. He took to sitting on the shore, listening to the gentle washes of the lake while everyone else slept. He was still playing the conversation he had with Arthur over and over again in his head, and it made him feel more anxious than he already was over what happened at the O'Driscoll camp.</p><p>He was beginning to imagine the worst, thinking about where he would go should he get kicked out. It wouldn't take much for the gang to realise that he's just not worth keeping around. If danger would come, each member should be able to handle themselves, they shouldn't have to keep looking over their shoulder to make sure he was catching up. It was just no way to live.</p><p>"You okay there, Kieran?" The sudden voice made him jump up from his seat, stiffening up and nails digging into his palms. "Whoa, easy there. It's just me."</p><p>Kieran's vision went dark from the sudden movement for a couple seconds, but he regained himself, and found that it was just Hosea, arms raised half way up to his waist to show that he was unarmed.</p><p>"I-I'm sorry, sir, I thought you were—"</p><p>"Don't worry about it," Hosea smiled. "May I join you?"</p><p>"O-Of course, sir."</p><p>Hosea grunted as he dropped himself onto the seat, pulling his coat further around him as the chill night air whisked against his skin. He rubbed his hands together to get heat from the friction before he realised that Kieran was still standing up, arms folded around himself, but it didn't look like it was to keep himself warm.</p><p>"You don't need to stand, kid, I ain't gonna hurt ya."</p><p>"Right," Kieran answered, voice still stiff. He took a hesitant seat towards the end of the log, and looked back out to the lake.</p><p>"The last time we had a view like this, we were in Blackwater. A home is always better when it's near water. Makes you feel calm, don't it?"</p><p>"As much as it can," Kieran joked with a small smile, but Hosea saw the underlining message behind it.</p><p>"Somethin' been worryin' ya, has it?"</p><p>"People ain't been takin' kindly to me bein' around lately. Feel like what happened today may be the last straw."</p><p>"Oh, don't let that plague your mind, Kieran." Hosea stretched his legs out, and looked content enough with Kieran's worries. He had something about him. His serenity was contagious. Maybe it was his voice, or just the wisdom of an old man, either way it made Kieran feel better. "Dutch hasn't given up on any one of us, and we've all made mistakes. Plus, he's got a lot on his mind right now, and he's not thinkin' about what to do with you."</p><p>"I'd rather be tied up to another tree than sent out on my own again, you know? I like what you fellas got goin' on over here. Not like what Colm had, he had a business, but you fellas got a family. I just never see myself fittin' into either sides' pictures. But I'd rather be the guy that's only got half a face on the corner of the picture than not in it at all. I don't like bein' on my own. It frightens me. It really does." Hosea turned to look at the boy, and he felt a little guilty at not making him feel as welcome as new members usually do. He'd been here long enough to not have to worry about stuff like that. Then again, this was the first time that they had taken in an O'Driscoll, and the circumstances were different, that's for sure, but it was clear enough now that he wasn't like Colm, or any of Colm's men for that matter. He wasn't even like some of the people in this camp, namely Micah. He was a nervous kid, cast out and looking for a place to call home and people to call family.</p><p>"I'm not really supposed to tell you this, but I'm gonna anyway, I don't want you to be worryin'." Hosea leaned down to rest his arms against his legs, about to share a secret. "We ain't gon' be here for much longer. Dutch has been eyein' some land just a little south-east from here. Called it Shady Belle. Apparently some Lemoyne Raider's are loiterin' around there right now, but that shouldn't be a problem for too long."</p><p>"We've only been here a few months, why be lookin' elsewhere so soon?" Kieran sounded genuine, and this made Hosea laugh a little.</p><p>"Kid, that's probably a record for us. We don't really stay in one place too long. We get too much heat from the locals, or we're just lookin' for better places to pitch our tents. Either way, we're on the move a lot."</p><p>"Whad'ya mean heat? We're just mindin' our own business."</p><p>"An outlaw is never mindin' their own business, we're always wanted. If you're gonna roll with us, you aughta know that if you didn't already. But we've had Pinkertons on our tail for a long time. Always tryna get us to turn ourselves in or high tail it to the next town just to do the same thing there."</p><p>"I ain't seen no Pinkertons around."</p><p>"I don't think that was the problem this time."</p><p>"Then what was it?" Kieran asked. Hosea took his eyes off of the body of water to look at Kieran. He didn't realise just how much he had been saying.</p><p>"Oh, I don't wanna be worryin' ya."</p><p>"You ain't, I just wanna know."</p><p>Hosea at first thought that he really shouldn't. With Kieran's past as an O'Driscoll, and with how nervous he was, he really didn't want to put the kid on edge any more than he already was. But he also knew what a hard time that some of the gang members gave him, and that he probably felt like an outcast enough. He wanted to make sure he felt included, and was a part of the group, so he chose to tell him.</p><p>"Well Dutch told me that he got a letter. Said it was from Colm O'Driscoll. Nothin' too important on it, just the usual back and forth chatter those two have. But he said he found it <em>in</em> the camp. Pinned to a tree, or somethin'. He says he doesn't feel safe stayin' here any longer than we need to, and wanted to be lookin' for some other place to move. That's why we got extra people on guard tonight."</p><p>"Christ," Kieran said, and the look on his face was what Hosea was afraid of. The fear.</p><p>"Now, I don't want you worryin', I said that. They ain't comin', and they sure as hell ain't comin' for you, you hear? It's just talk, that's all it was. And even if it weren't, we'll be long gone before then."</p><p>"Well," Kieran said, taking a deep breath and looking back out to the lake once more. His face grew hot with unease, the cold wind ricocheting off of his skin, "I guess I wasn't plannin' on gettin' any sleep tonight anyway."</p><p>
  <strong>2</strong>
</p><p>As the morning grew brighter, the busier people got. Not a single person was standing still. Not even Uncle. Mind you, he was stumbling between the beer boxes and breakfast pot, but it was better than having people trip over him as he slept off a hangover.</p><p>Arthur woke up once or twice then falling back asleep before he decided to get up. Yesterday was physically and emotionally taxing on the man, and he didn't want to face the day that was ahead. He appreciated that no one wanted to wake him up. With this gang, any sleep is good sleep. It didn't come easy.</p><p>Except for Micah. He passed by Arthur's tent, took a look at the sleeping man, and pumped his shotgun right in his direction. Arthur could sleep through an earthquake, but the smallest cock of a gun would have him up and ready before they could get their finger on the trigger.</p><p>"Rise and shine, cow poke. Got a big day ahead of us."</p><p>"What're you talkin' about?"</p><p>Micah just winked at him, and took off towards his horse. It was too early for that man's bullshit. Well, any time was not the right time, but Arthur did force himself up and made a beeline towards his mentor, who himself was stocking up on guns and ammunition. This only meant one thing, and Arthur was surprised that he was only finding out about it right before it was about to happen.</p><p>Before he could reach him, a small hand grabbed him by his jeans, and he looked down to see Jack, just as prepared and excited as he was yesterday.</p><p>"Can we go fishin' now, Uncle Arthur?" he asked, and Arthur wouldn't admit to anyone that it broke his heart a little. The kid was too innocent to be dragged around by people like him sometimes.</p><p>"I'd love to, Jack, but I need to talk to Dutch, it looks like they're gonna need me today. Maybe ask Mr Pearson if he'd like to join ya?"</p><p>"He's not a good a teacher as you."</p><p>"I ain't gon' fight you on that," Arthur laughed. "Maybe your mama then." He wanted to console the boy a little longer, he truly felt bad about turning him down for a second time, but Dutch was beginning to get a move on. "Sorry, Jack, but I do need to go. We'll fish sometime soon, I promise ya."</p><p>"Fine," Jack sighed, and Arthur watched him make his way to the shore, guilt burrowing its way into his stomach. <em>Soon,</em> he thought, before catching up with Dutch.</p><p>"What's goin' on?"</p><p>"The girls just came back from Rhodes. Said there were some O'Driscoll boys talkin' behind the saloon. Makin' plans about a robbery of some kind at noon." He stopped to look Arthur right in the eyes, giving him his signature '<em>I'm ready for war</em>' smiles. "We're gonna meet them there. And for our sake, let's hope that Colm decides to tag along."</p><p>"Well that's fantastic and all, but don't you think we should come up with a plan?"</p><p>"I have a plan. We ambush them. That's all we need." Dutch said this with such a matter-of-factly tone. This just wasn't like him. He was detailed, he thought things through, he wouldn't put his family in any danger unless it was for their betterment, but things seemed to be in the pursuit of revenge rather than what was necessary.</p><p>"You just said that they're gonna hold up the place, so they're gonna be armed to the teeth. Shouldn't we follow them back to their camp? Or maybe catch 'em off guard when they think they're in the clear?"</p><p>"Usually I'd love to go the quiet way when it comes to assassinations, Arthur, but today is not that day. Colm O'Driscoll does not get to even <em>think</em> he's gonna get away with this. If we let them get in the clear, there's a chance they can escape with their loot, and I will <em>not</em> give him the advantage."</p><p>"All right," Arthur muttered. "Well then who's goin'?"</p><p>"We are."</p><p>Arthur turned to see Micah, John, Sean, Bill, Charles, Hosea, and Lenny loading themselves up with guns, looking far more ready than Arthur felt.</p><p>"We're sparing Javier on this trip, as much as he would love to come, on account of his injuries."</p><p>"Do we even know how many men Colm is takin' with him? What if we're outnumbered?"</p><p>"It's Rhodes, not Saint Denis, he won't bring too many men if he's robbin' a settlement that small. And even if he does, we're stronger than him by ten folds. Plus, we have the element of surprise."</p><p>"The element of surprise won't win us a war, Dutch. And this isn't out in the middle of the New Hanover with plenty of open space. This is a town, where innocent people live and work. We're just gonna start a fight right in the middle of it?"</p><p>"When did you start caring about that, Arthur?" This caught the younger man off guard. At first it was because he was taken aback by the idea that Dutch <em>didn't</em> care about people being caught in the crossfire, but then it was because he was <em>right</em>. Arthur never did care much about that. They've put people in danger all their lives. Perhaps it was the events in Blackwater that sparked this change in Arthur's mind.</p><p>"Maybe I'm just sick of people gettin' hurt, Dutch. I don't think that's too much to ask."</p><p>"Well if we <em>don't</em> go, then how do we know that Colm and his men won't just slaughter everyone there anyway? We could be savin' lives here, Arthur. Now we need to get movin', so take what you need and saddle up."</p><p>Arthur started to turn and get himself ready, when the thought crossed his mind. He knew that after the events of last night he should ask, despite the possibility of an argument breaking out over it being mentioned. "What about Kieran?"</p><p>Dutch stopped in his tracks, looking back at Arthur like he just insulted his bloodline. "What <em>about</em> Kieran?"</p><p>"We could use another hand, with Javier not coming along, and all."</p><p>"Need I remind you of what happened only yesterday? The reason why Javier is not coming with us?"</p><p>"Javier would've been shot either way. It's not anyone's fault."</p><p>"Javier would not have needed to have been there if Kieran had executed the plan properly."</p><p>"And we would not have been there if you hadn't wanted Kieran to sneak into their camp!"</p><p>"Look, we can argue about this all day, or we can kill some O'Driscolls. Now, Arthur." Dutch reached over and picked up a Lancaster Repeater from the stock. "Are you with me?" Their eyes were locked for a good moment, and in any case Arthur would be more than willing to stand beside Dutch whenever the situation was life or death, and he was still willing to, but this time it came with a but.</p><p>"Only if Kieran can join us."</p><p>"Arthur." Dutch didn't move, just kept the gun outreached, asking the man, as his <em>son</em>, to stand by his side.</p><p>"If you're going up against a herd of armed O'Driscolls, you're gonna need as many men as you can get. You have me, if I have Kieran."</p><p>Dutch exhaled, shaking his head. He wasn't a man that was easily swayed, but this was Arthur. He trusted him with his life, and if he was willing to put that trust in Kieran, then Dutch supposed that he could too. But just this once.</p><p>"Fine. But he is not our problem. If he gets caught in the crossfire, he is your responsibility or nobody's. Do you hear me?"</p><p>"I hear you, Dutch." Arthur took hold of the gun, and they stood there for a second. Two men, family, not by blood but by bond, sharing a gun, a lifeline. Their offence, their defence, and their survival.</p><p>
  <strong>3</strong>
</p><p>"Not avoidin' me, are ya?" Arthur tried to come off friendly, but he knew Kieran wasn't too much in the mood.</p><p>"Just mindin' my own business." Kieran just kept scrubbing at the saddle on his lap, not even looking up to Arthur. "When you're kicked to the curb as much as I am, you start to know when you're not wanted."</p><p>"Well you're wanted now. You're comin' with us." Kieran stopped cleaning for a second, then continued.</p><p>"For what exactly? Target practice?"</p><p>"I convinced Dutch to bring you with us. We're headin' to Rhodes. He says that there's some O'Driscolls there, lookin' to cause some trouble. Could use an extra pair of hands."</p><p>"Convinced?"</p><p>"That's right."</p><p>"You <em>convinced</em> Dutch to let me come along?"</p><p>"When when you say it like that—"</p><p>"And what makes you think I'd wanna come along in the first place? Hm? To make a fool of myself yet again in front of Colm's fellas? To have someone to blame if things go wrong? Someone to use as cover when they start firin'?"</p><p>"Kieran, it ain't like that." Arthur could see him getting agitated. He tried to use his calm voice but he also didn't want to come off as condescending. "You said yesterday that you wanted to prove yourself, but things didn't go exactly as planned. Dutch wasn't going to give you another shot, but he is now. Now are you gonna fight me on this just 'cause we had a disagreement, or are you gonna join us? We're a gang and we look out for each other. That includes you."</p><p>"First of all, it wasn't a disagreement. What you told me yesterday damn near made me lose faith that I'd ever be accepted into this gang, which secondly by extension, I'm clearly not a part of. Why should I help you? Why should I even stay?"</p><p>"Because I want you here, a'right?" He wasn't having any it. For some reason, Kieran made a home under Arthur's wings when he was taken in by the gang, which made him his responsibility. It was his duty to make sure that he did for Kieran what Dutch and Hosea did for him. "It's been a hard few months for you. It's been a hard few months for <em>all</em> of us. So what, after one failed mission, you're just gonna hang up your coat and walk away? Turn your back on what could be the greatest thing you could ever do in your entire life? John made that same mistake once, and you know what he did? He came right back to us. He knew that the life out there ain't no better than what we already got. He still lived dirty. He still stole, and killed, and fought every day. The only thing different was that he didn't have us. And he <em>needed </em>us. Just like <em>you</em> need us, and how right now, we need <em>you</em>. So take a goddamn chance, and wipe that O'Driscoll name from yourself once and for all. So I'll ask you the same thing Dutch asked me. Are you with me?"</p><p>
  <strong>4</strong>
</p><p>The gang rode east towards Rhodes, and it only took a couple of minutes. There was usually chatter when they rode towards something like this, but when it was Colm, there was always silence. Nothing needed to be talked about when it came to O'Driscolls. They knew the routine by now. They all knew how Dutch felt, and what he had lost to the man. They heard it all once, and they didn't need to hear it again.</p><p>"Dismount your horses, gentlemen," Micah said, his voice almost mimicking Dutch's own, like he was the ghost of the man's thoughts and was speaking for him.</p><p>They gathered their weapons from their saddles, and huddled close to one another, with Dutch leading the pack. They were hidden from view — they hoped — from anyone wandering in the centre of Rhodes.</p><p>Arthur was crouched at the end of the pack with Kieran kneeling behind him. He turned to look at the younger man, and searched his eyes for some kind of response. Kieran nodded to him, letting him know that he was ready, and kept his face void of any emotion. It gave Arthur a sense of relief, knowing that the man felt surer of himself, and seemed more prepared than he was yesterday. He wasn't alone now, he had backup, people to protect him and people for him to protect. This was how he did things. Arthur wished that Dutch would look back and see the same thing he did. He knew he couldn't possibly be the only person in the camp that felt that Kieran had something in him. Something that made him one of them. He just hoped that Kieran could prove that today. Solidate himself within the gang and end all this controversy once and for all.</p><p>"O'Driscolls," Dutch whispered. He didn't sound surprised.</p><p>"How many?" Bill asked.</p><p>"I see five with guns."</p><p>"Do you see Colm?" Hosea whispered.</p><p>"Not yet."</p><p>"Do you think he's even here?" John added.</p><p>"Oh, he's here," Dutch said, voice a little clearer, and so sure of himself. "Colm O'Driscoll would never miss a show like this. Just wait it out. He'll show eventually—"</p><p>A gun cocked, and was pushed against Kieran's head. The gang turned around at the same time before a series of guns were brought out in front of each of their faces. They instinctively reached for their own guns, but Colm O'Driscoll stood straight in front of where Dutch was just looking, staring down at the man like he was a mangy dog.</p><p>"Now what a gathering we have here, hm?"</p><p>They were pulled up by their coats, and shoved out straight into the centre of Rhodes. The locals grew panicked at the sight of the gang being surrounded by armed O'Driscolls and scattered, fleeing the settlement within the minute.</p><p>"Now would you look at that?" Colm smiled. "How polite are the people here to give us room to talk?"</p><p>"Where's the Sheriff?" Charles whispered to Lenny, who was standing closest to him.</p><p>"Oh, we took care of him!" Colm called out, giving Charles a smug look, letting him know that he could hear everything. "He'll wake up in the morning thinking he just passed out drunk in his office like any other day. I guess that's until he sees what a mess we we'll make in this here little town."</p><p>"You got us, Colm." Arthur wanted to get a move on. If Colm wanted to fight, they would fight. He didn't wanna mess around with any kind of speech he may have planned for them. He just wasn't a very patient man at all. "Now what?"</p><p>"Now what's the rush, Morgan? This here's a beautiful thing." Colm opened his arms like he was just an old friend welcoming them all into his home. "We've got most of your best men here today! Although I heard about what happened with the Mexican."</p><p>"His name is Javier."</p><p>"Whatever." Colm was quick to dismiss it. "Not that I'm surprised. Your men tend to fall like flies lately."</p><p>"It takes a lot more than an <em>O'Driscoll</em> to kill one of my men, Colm. Javier took your bullet like a thorn on a bush."</p><p>"Must be somethin', if he's not here to fight for you."</p><p>"Don't flatter yourself." Dutch's voice turned even colder. "I'd take on your men with half of what we got here."</p><p>"I'm sure we can arrange that." One of Colm's henchmen whistled, and snipers with Springfield rifles appeared on the rooftops of the Gunsmith General Store, and Mount View Hotel, aiming down at the gang. Dutch's men raised up their guns, aiming all around them. They were surrounded and outnumbered. Arthur trusted his mentor's judgment, but to keep getting into situations like this was becoming ridiculously dangerous. "You know, I have to say, Dutch. I pegged you to be a <em>much</em> smarter man than this. When I asked my men to make it subtly obvious to your <em>women</em> that we're planning some kind of robbery on Rhodes, I thought that you wouldn't <em>really</em> fall for it. But here you are, lookin' like you're only just realising how much of a fool you really are. You really have lost your taste."</p><p>"You set this up?" Arthur growled.</p><p>"A <em>child</em> could have set this up," Colm mocked. "What happened, Dutch? Huh? There used to be a brain in there!" Colm tapped at his temple, eyes wide and intimidating, then he stood straight, looking Dutch down like he felt truly sorry for him. "Time must not have been kind to you."</p><p>"What was the point of all this?" Dutch stood his ground, keeping his head high, never looking Colm straight on. It was always a battle of pride before anything else with these two. Who could make the other feel smaller. Who was the superior.</p><p>"You got my letter, I assume?"</p><p>"I did." Arthur turned to look at Dutch, a bizarre questioning look on his face. What letter was he talking about? Why didn't he tell Arthur about it?</p><p>"Like I said, we were gonna make a trip to your camp, but…" He motioned to the area around him, eyes squinting like he was looking for something. "Looks like you're already here. Don't bother me where we handle our business."</p><p>"We <em>have</em> no business with <em>O'Driscolls</em>."</p><p>"Well," he whispered. "You sure got somethin'." He pointed towards Kieran, not taking his eyes off Dutch. Whether it was to intimidate him, or make Kieran out to be just another pawn in his game, it didn't matter. They both worked.</p><p>"That's right, we do," Dutch said, smug. "I can't imagine what that must say about a leader. To have your men turn to the enemy. How small your ambition must be to not even be worth fighting for. For an O'Driscoll to turn to the Van der Linde gang." Colm just laughed in response.</p><p>“What, <em>him</em>?” Colm turned and belched out a laugh, his men forming crooked smiles of their own. It seemed forced. A ‘smile or get your throat cut’ kind of smile. “That boy ain't no O’Driscoll! An O’Driscoll needs <em>fire</em>!” The sudden exclamation made almost everybody jump. “That? That is just some stable boy! Some rat infestation that cleans up horse shit! I’ve had dogs worth more than he is!”</p><p>Kieran’s face was stone cold. Either he truly didn’t give a shit what Colm thought about him, or he had one hell of a poker face.</p><p>“If anything, he was a stain on the O’Driscoll camp. If you hadn't've taken him in, I would have <em>given</em> him to you.”</p><p>The war inside Arthur split to the surface for a moment, and he took a step forward, aiming his gun at Colm. Every O'Driscoll in Rhodes then turned their guns towards him. The rest of the Van der Linde gang saw this, and took their opportunity to bring up their own guns. No one unarmed. Everyone waiting for someone to make the first move.</p><p>"Struck a nerve, did I, Arthur? You always was the sensitive type."</p><p>"I'm not about to be," Arthur threatened.</p><p>Dutch held up a hand, halting Arthur, but just for a moment.</p><p>"What's your play here, Colm?"</p><p>"My play? My play was bringing you to the breaking point so you would be so desperate, itching for the taste of my blood that you'd fall right into the palm of my hand. This?" Colm looked around once more. "This is <em>my</em> move." Colm's eyes were squinted, lips curved in a challenging smile. "What's yours?"</p><p>Dutch's lip snarled, but before anyone could speak, a distant shot exploded through the air, rippling and echoing. It was enough of a distraction for the O'Driscolls to take their eyes off of the gang for just a second. And a second was all they needed.</p><p>The shot went straight through the head of one of the men on the roof. Blood spraying out and collapsing over the balcony.</p><p>"Shit!" Bill spat, and the gang dove behind cover as the O'Driscolls eyes panned frantically around the landscape for the shooter.</p><p>"Was this your plan, Dutch?" John yelled, leaning out of cover just enough to get the aim on the O'Driscolls that were still standing out in the open, and scanning to see where some were running to hide.</p><p>"Just shoot at 'em!" Dutch replied.</p><p>"I really hope this wasn't the plan," Lenny called out.</p><p>Another one of the O'Driscolls trying to climb down from the roof of the General Store was sniped, falling to the same fate as his ally.</p><p>"Who's shootin'?" John asked.</p><p>"I have no idea. But whoever it is, they're goin' for the O'Driscolls. Could be one of ours," Dutch answered.</p><p>"I fuckin' hope so!" Micah yelled as he peeked out and shot both of his revolvers at the same time, shooting O'Driscolls with each bullet. "Ha! Two of 'em! Did ya see that?"</p><p>"Oh, we're all so proud!" Arthur called out with clear sarcasm.</p><p>Kieran watched as Colm O'Driscoll emerged from behind a building alongside two of his men, and mounted their horses. <em>This is it,</em> Kieran thought. <em>This is when I prove myself.</em> The need to do so was fading after the events of last night, but it hit him that it was now or never. He backed out from the gunfight, and took off towards the gang's horses, hidden behind the buildings. He unhitched Branwen, and was about to mount him when he was grabbed and pulled back onto the ground. He was winded before he could think about getting up, but the man stepped over his body before he could regain himself, putting a knee on his stomach and brought his fist down onto Kieran's face. Again. And again. And again. And again.</p><p>Sean was standing furthest on the right, and was the only one who could see what was happening. He heard the struggle over the flying bullets, and mumbled to himself before calling out to the gang. "Keep shootin', boys!" He stayed low, backing up and firing over his cover before he was safe from gunfire.</p><p>Kieran was covering his head with his arms as he was punched, but the O'Driscoll was much larger and stronger than he was. He just didn't stand a chance in defence, let alone offence, but just as he readied himself for another blow, he was almost drowned in the man's blood. He waited for a moment, expecting to get another punch, when he looked between his arms to see that the man laid beside him with a gaping wound in his neck. The bullet went through and through, and he fell on his back, eyes left open with fury still in them.</p><p>"I guess they really do hold a grudge, ay O'Driscoll?" Sean lowered his gun and leaned over to reach out a hand towards Kieran to help him up. "Come on."</p><p>Although before Kieran could accept the help, a repeater shot rang out, echoing over the mass array of revolvers and rifles.</p><p>"No!" Kieran's voice did not sound like his own. There was a desperation in it that he had never felt before. Sean's eyes were still locked onto his when the hole ripped through his head. His face turned blank, and he collapsed where he stood. The dust of the terrain blew out as his lifeless body hit the floor.</p><p>Kieran could only stare at him. He hadn't seen any of the Van der Linde gang members die, and he certainly didn't want it to happen on his watch. He didn't realise that the O'Driscoll came up behind him and gagged his mouth with a bandana, muffling his groans and pleas. He struggled in the man's grip, but he was just as strong as the other. Stronger, even. Kieran tried to call out to the gang, but he was rendered useless, just a rag doll for the O'Driscoll. But he kicked, and made what noise he could despite the fact that he knew it wouldn't help him. He couldn't just accept his fate.</p><p>He was bound, blindfolded, and thrown onto the back of a horse. And he could tell by the fabric on the horse's saddle that it was his own. The O'Driscoll mounted Branwen, and began riding out and away from Rhodes. Away from Sean. Away from the gang. Away from his home.</p><p>The last time Kieran was being kidnapped like this was when Arthur lassoed him and took him back to camp, leaving him tied to a tree for weeks. He just couldn't imagine that being taken back to the O'Driscoll camp would end any better than it did the first time.</p><p>He thought for a moment that it would be fine, that they would quickly realise he's missing, and come to rescue him. But then he realised how it looked. Sean shot dead with Kieran and his horse missing in the middle of a shootout with O'Driscolls. What if they saw that as Kieran's means of an escape? This could be the final straw, a snap in the chain that he was trying so desperately to build. They may never come to rescue him. They may hate him for the rest of his life. The O'Driscolls would throw out his dead body only for Arthur to find it and bury him in a shallow hole with a gravestone reading 'Traitor'.</p><p><em>Please, Arthur,</em> he thought. <em>Please come for me. I need you.</em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Alea Iacta Est</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u"></span>
  <em>"Suddenly, I'm hit<br/></em>
  <em>It's the starkness of the dawn<br/></em>
  <em>And your friends are gone<br/></em>
  <em>And your friends won't come."<br/></em>
  <em>- James Blake<br/></em>
  <em>'Retrograde'</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>1</strong>
</p><p>"Never again will I make the mistake of taking in an O'Driscoll!" Dutch called out, like he was swearing to the Gods. He rode back to camp like he was chasing after a train, and the gang was trying their best to catch up with his White Arabian.</p><p>"Just calm down, Dutch, we don't know what happened yet." Arthur tried to ease the man out of one of his rants, but it didn't seem to be working.</p><p>"Sean is <em>dead</em>, Arthur, that's what happened! And the one person that was there when it happened was Kieran!"</p><p>"I know it looks that way—"</p><p>"There <em>is</em> no other way, Morgan," Micah judged. "Why can't you just see it for how it is? No matter how far out from shore you go, you'll still only find water."</p><p>"Please, Micah, do us all a favour and prove your point for us."</p><p>"Will you boys stop!" Hosea interrupted. "This is not the time for arguments. We just lost one of our own, and a good one at that."</p><p>"He's right," Lenny agreed. "We'll head back to camp and let everyone know, then we'll find out what happened to Kieran."</p><p>The ride was just a couple of minutes, but it felt so much longer. Charles rode at the back of the gang, leading Sean's horse and to keep anyone from having to face the boy's dead body. As they made it back to camp, he kept back to avoid letting whoever was on guard from seeing, too. The group would handle telling them the bad news.</p><p>"I'll bury him some place nice. Maybe by the beach somewhere," he said.</p><p>The gang took one last look at Sean, knowing that whoever did this to him would pay the price. They have never let anyone get away with anything like this before, and they sure as hell weren't going to start now.</p><p>
  <strong>2</strong>
</p><p>"Rise and shine, stable boy," Colm teased, slapping Kieran's cheeks hard enough to wake him. He flinched and squinted as the man held up a lantern right up to his face. The light was casting shadows on Colm's face, all of his wrinkles being exaggerated just enough to make him look like the devil. Kieran tried to back away from the man that he had seen in his nightmares, but the cold ragged rocks embedded into the wall just dug into his back. Chains rattled above his head as he tried to lower his arms, and he found himself completely immobile. Stuck and defenceless.</p><p>"There you are," Colm smiled, and it terrified Kieran. He was definitely awake now. "I hope my boys didn't beat you up too good back there, 'cause uh…" Colm brought the lantern down and placed in on a wooden table that had seen many years, and possibly many prisoners just like Kieran was now. "As you know, that's my job." Colm struck Kieran's stomach in the blink of an eye with a clenched fist. Kieran felt the air leave his lungs like a balloon let loose in the wind. He could feel gastric acid burning at his throat, and his arms were bruising from the beating he took in Rhodes.</p><p>"You haven't gone soft on me, have ya?" Colm spoke to Kieran like he was a child. He just knew that it made him feel small. Belittled him. Became his superior. "Those Van der Linde fellas don't hit you as hard as I do, do they?"</p><p>"Just…" Kieran tried to say something, anything, but his stomach felt like it was on fire, and it just made his coughing worse.</p><p>"What was that?" Colm held a hand up to his ear. "Oh, wait. I don't give a shit." His face contorted as he brought his fist to Kieran's face, slamming his head against the wall. The hit caused ringing in his ears, his vision turning black for a good ten seconds. When his senses came back to him, he began to taste a warm metallic substance in his mouth. He had been beaten enough times in his life to know that it was the taste of blood. Colm was clearly enjoying every second of Kieran's pain.</p><p>"When they took you in, I woulda thought that Dutch Van der Linde would've jumped at the chance to beat up one of my men, and when I snuck into your little camp, I was hoping to see that, too. But all I found was this boy that I took in, gave food and shelter to, runnin' around sayin' he ain't an O'Driscoll. There's a word for people like you. They're called traitors, you know that?" He got close. Real close. Enough to see Kieran's eye's shaking as he tried to keep himself from hyperventilating. "No," he whispered, real slow. "There ain't no place for you in this world, boy. That's a lot of pain you must be in, knowing you're never gonna belong. I can put you outta that misery, you know."</p><p>"Don't… do this." He managed to get the words out. Colm wasn't in any way a sympathising man, and wasn't going to start with his new prisoner by any means, but it was Kieran's instinct to defend himself. And since he wasn't physically able to, even if he was free, he does so with his words. It's a horrible defence mechanism, and it's never gotten him anywhere, but it's all he has.</p><p>It's all he's ever had.</p><p>"Don't do that." Colm gave an exaggerated frown, an almost clownish expression that put a horrible taste in Kieran's mouth that tasted worse than the blood. "Don't be beggin' like some street whore. You're bringin' such shame to the O'Driscoll name."</p><p>"You know I ain't an O'Driscoll," Kieran spat, and it was the most vicious tone he ever spoke to anyone, let alone Colm.</p><p>"Oh, of course you were." His voice turned almost serene. Motherly. It was all part of his manipulation, and Kieran knew that. Colm knew that Kieran knew that, but he still was fun to fuck with. That was his only reason. "Out of all the low rank shit cleanin' punching bags I've had, you were my favourite. We've got a lot of time to catch up on, don't we, boy?" Colm patted Kieran's cheek, right where he had punched him, and it felt numb yet sore to the touch. Colm backed away, eyeing at the chains holding Kieran's hands above him, and looking awfully proud of his handiwork.</p><p>"Look at'cha," Colm whispered, his voice as cold as the winter wind. Kieran was shaking, his nerves wrecking his body, but he kept his head up. "You have fear in your eyes."</p><p>"You have nothing in yours," Kieran responded. Colm's grin grew large, baring his teeth. His chuckle was raspy and almost inaudible, mouse-like from years of being a constant smoker most likely.</p><p>"Welcome back, Kieran Duffy." Colm ignored the chained man's comment, but Kieran feared that it would come back to bite him later on. "You're gonna be down here for a while, so get comfortable. If you can." He slammed the door shut, and the room fell dead.</p><p>Kieran winced as he tried to focus on not throwing up as he used the drops of blood on his tongue to moisten his dry mouth and lips. This was it. This was what happened to people like Kieran in this world. To cowards who just let their demons catch up with them. He never had the guts to leave once Colm had taken him in, knowing just how horrible he was treated. He never had the guts to run the first time he met Arthur, he just begged for his worthless life to not hurt him. And even now, he didn't have the guts to fight.</p><p>He knew what happened to the people that were brought down here in the cellar of Colm's camp. They either come out the most broken shell of a man, licking up dog shit if you asked them to, or you don't come out at all. Kieran couldn't tell which end was a worse fate.</p><p>He was just so sick and tired of feeling sorry for himself whenever he got kicked down to the dirt. He didn't want to wait for someone to reach out a hand and help him up every time he fell. Like Arthur had been doing. Like Sean did.</p><p>Sean.</p><p>Oh, Sean.</p><p>The man died trying to save him. Him. Kieran. Why on earth would he do such a thing? He could never live up to the expectations that they held for Sean. He was younger than Kieran, not by too much but he was still growing. He had so much life left in him. He was a survivor, a fighter, and he was loved by the gang. What was Kieran? He was none of those things.</p><p>Certainly not loved by Arthur.</p><p>Kieran's fingers twitched, wrists tensing in the cuffs as he tried to bring a hand down to brush the hair out of his face. Arthur. It was always Arthur. Always trying to have Arthur believe in him, trust him, think more highly of him. He had nothing to offer except a washed horse coat and a few buckets of smallmouth bass. That was just not enough.</p><p>While he was lost in his thoughts, he let his eyes fall shut. But the feeling in his stomach made him open them once more.</p><p>He just kept using that word. Love. He wanted Arthur to <em>love</em> him. Surely in the same way that he loved the gang? But… no. That just wasn't it. It was something else. Something he just couldn't quite explain.</p><p>At first he thought maybe it was what the gang was talking about when it came to loyalty, and the drive to protect one another. But the things that came to mind when he thought of the man just seemed to go a step beyond that. He wanted to protect the gang, he wanted to have taken the bullet for Sean, he wanted to keep O'Driscolls away from the camp, but when he tried to picture the image of being liberated, all he could see was himself clutching Arthur's larger frame as they rode off and away from it all. Just Arthur. Only Arthur.</p><p>Kieran felt the heavy state of sleep take him once more, but before he did he started to think that maybe he didn't want the man to save him just so he could be free, but rather that he wanted him to save him because it could mean that Arthur loved him, too.</p><p>Whatever that meant.</p><p>
  <strong>3</strong>
</p><p>"Ladies! Gentlemen! Gather round!" Dutch announced, and the camp grew concerned when those that stayed behind saw the looks on the men's faces.</p><p>"What's going on?" Sadie asked. Dutch looked around at his family, and they were looking to him to give him the news.</p><p>"I'm afraid… I'm afraid to tell you that we have lost one of our own today. Sean was killed in Rhodes."</p><p>"What?" Tilly's breath hitched, and she instinctively reached out a hand to Mary-Beth for comfort.</p><p>"Uncle Sean?" Jack cried, and Abigail gathered him into her arms.</p><p>"Dutch, don't say that. It ain't funny," she said, trying to stay strong through brewing emotions.</p><p>"I wish it weren't true, Mrs Marston, but I'm afraid it is."</p><p>"Those goddamn O'Driscolls. I'm gonna kill 'em," Karen spat, and looked like she was about to jump onto a horse and find them at any second.</p><p>"It wasn't the O'Driscolls," Micah chimed in, like he was just waiting for the moment to bring it up. "It was Kieran."</p><p>The group looked stunned, some muttering amongst themselves, but everyone looking just as confused and betrayed.</p><p>"Don't be sayin' that, Micah. It ain't true," Arthur hissed.</p><p>"Oh, wise up, cow poke," Micah said, rolling his eyes and leaning against one of the wagons with his arms crossed. "He probably staged the whole thing. Just Kieran and some of his old O'Driscoll pals making plans for an ambush."</p><p>"Kieran hadn't left our sight since before it even happened. When the hell did you expect him to have done somethin' like that?"</p><p>"We've had a breach in security lately," Dutch said, voice nowhere as loud and brash as the other two's. "Maybe he let some of them in then, and maybe he's been talkin'."</p><p>"Whad'ya mean?"</p><p>Dutch didn't answer, just reached into his back pocket while keeping his eyes on Arthur's. He pulled out a folded piece of paper and handed it to Arthur between his index and middle finger like a cigarette. It took Arthur a moment to take it, because the look Dutch was giving him was captivating. It was the same look he gave Kieran. The same look he gave Colm. The same look he gave to everyone he was about to put a bullet in, and he was giving it to Arthur.</p><p>Arthur unfolded it, and began to read the handwritten note. Micah turned his eyes to Dutch as he took a swig of beer, but the man didn't look back, just waited.</p><p>"This is from Colm? He said he sent you a letter back in Rhodes, this is what he was talkin' about?" Arthur pointed at the letter in his hand.</p><p>"Mhm. I found it here. In the camp." Arthur looked back down and shook his head in disbelief. Not at the letter, but at Dutch.</p><p>"What does it say?" John asked.</p><p>"It's just talk. Tryin' to threaten us," Micah said.</p><p>"But it was here, and that means so was <em>he</em>," Dutch added.</p><p>"And you're only telling us about this now? What, you thought you could hide this from us?"</p><p>"That is not true. Hosea knew, and so did Micah."</p><p>"Micah," Arthur said with blatant disbelief. "What the hell happened to '<em>we are all a family</em>'? What, you thought that it's not important to tell us that O'Driscolls not only know where we are, but somehow managed to get in and out of camp without anyone noticin'? What else don't we know, Dutch?" Arthur was getting angrier by the minute, but Dutch quickly shut him down.</p><p>"We have been on edge the past few days," Dutch said. "The last thing I wanted everyone to be worryin' about was those damn O'Driscolls. I wanted them dead before they even <em>thought </em>about showing up here. That's why I wanted Kieran to go to their camp. To be the one to poison the O'Driscolls would have been a honour, but he chose to take out a few instead of the many, and now Sean is dead, and we need to leave."</p><p>"Leave?" Arthur asked, and Dutch just sighed.</p><p>"I know that this is sudden for all of you, and I know that we are all sick of this by now, but once again we must pack our stuff and move along. Gather everything you need, and fill up the wagons ready to leave by tomorrow. We'll be headin' to a place called Shady Belle, it's just south east from here." Dutch wasn't putting much effort into keeping everyone calm, and his sharp tone just made it feel like a panic.</p><p>"Dutch, you're worryin' 'em," Arthur said, voice much lower than his.</p><p>"Colm O'Driscoll should have died today. He knows where we are. It could be today, it could be tomorrow, but at some point he will be here. We are not going to wait around until that time comes."</p><p>"Right, so we move along, then what? What if Kieran comes back? We'll just be gone."</p><p>"That is to our advantage, son, don't you understand? He is a traitor, and he is not welcome here any longer."</p><p>"Well then where is Kieran?" Abigail asked, seeming genuinely worried about him despite the accusations against him.</p><p>"If he really did kill Sean, then I assume he fled," Dutch snarled. "At the first chance of freedom, he decided to escape. Runs back to Colm O'Driscoll like a rat fleeing to its hole. Well then…" He leaned in towards Arthur, like he was telling him a secret. "Good riddance. This family is too important to have the likes of him chewing at our thread."</p><p>"You know it weren't like that, Dutch." Arthur's voice was low, the voice he used when he wanted to come off as threatening to those he was collecting debts from.</p><p>"When will you open your eyes, Arthur?" Dutch questioned. "It's <em>us</em>. When something bad happens, it's <em>always </em>as bad as you think."</p><p>
  <strong>4</strong>
</p><p>"It's <em>not </em>as bad as you think," Colm said, like Kieran was some kind of over-exaggerating child. He dug a spoon into what was supposed to be stew, the metal scraping against the bowl in a way that made hairs stick up on Kieran's arms. "You've got your own room, I feed ya, I keep ya safe. That's what a leader does, right? Did Dutch ever do that for ya?"</p><p>Before he could answer, not that he was going to anyway, Colm pushed the spoon between Kieran's lips, bashing against his teeth and turned it downwards in his mouth, scraping the food against his tongue. The taste was horrible, and Kieran was convinced that Colm had put horse faeces in with the meat. It wasn't beneath him to do such a thing, but Kieran knew that if he denied him, even just the once, he wouldn't get food at all. He'd pick foul stew over starvation any day.</p><p>"You work for me, and I let you stay with us. I don't kill ya, and I protect ya." He began scooping once again, and Kieran could barely swallow the thick gravy that was sticking to the roof of his mouth. It was room temperature and had the gooey texture forming from where it was left out for too long. He tried to swallow it down before another spoonful was forced into his mouth, and he tried to focus on not throwing up. It was worse when he knew what was coming. The taste just as strong, and the chunky vegetables were barely cooked. "It does make me question as to why you wanted to leave all this. Leave behind your family. Us O'Driscolls know how to take care of one another. I know that Arthur didn't give you much of a choice, but you sure did have one once those ropes were taken off. Loyalty means somethin' in this world, boy. Seems to me like you need to be taught a lesson in that."</p><p>"I-I ain't loyal to them," Kieran said, and he knew the words would have come out muffled with or without without the food in his mouth. If he wanted to get out of here, this was what he had to do. He had to lie, although Colm saw right through that one, and Kieran wouldn't have believed it either, but he would have to get better at it. Maybe even convince himself before he could convince Colm.</p><p>"Ain't loyal? I ain't sayin' I'm a fountain of knowledge, boy, but I do know one thing. You're loyal to whatever holds a hand out to ya. A dog chews your leg off then asks for a treat and you'll give him everythin' you got. You may not be loyal in a traditional sense, but you crave companionship in a way that a lot of men admire."</p><p>"They treat me worse than you ever did," Kieran said, trying to distract Colm from talking about him. "Threatenin' to hurt me. And you're right, they didn't feed me. They cast me out. And I-I wouldn't expect no less!" Kieran's mind began reeling with ways of making him sound loyal to Colm. "I'm an O'Driscoll! Of course they wouldn't trust me to just wander around their camp. You fellas have been fightin' for years, they weren't ever gon' accept me! But I didn’t want that!" Kieran leaned in as much as the chains allowed him, trying to lure Colm into his lies. "I just wanted to be close enough to hear things. Hear what they were talkin' about. <em>Plans</em> they made. What they had, what they hadn't. Important things."</p><p>"And what, you expect me to believe you were just gonna come runnin' back to me with this information? Just leave in the middle of the night, like you weren't makin' a home back there? I said that there are men that admire your philosophy of loyalty, Kieran, but your loyalty makes you desperate." Colm didn't even wait to put the bowl down. He just let it drop to the ground as he brought his arm up and punched the prisoner across the cheek. The contact was thunderous, and Kieran cried out, tensing up and anticipating another hit.</p><p>"I ain't lyin'!" Kieran shouted. "They don't have nothin' I want! They ain't no home. They fight a lot with each other. They're gonna fall apart in no time, with or without you, but I know you wanna be the one to do it. I wanted to help."</p><p>"If you were doin' any of that, you would've told me by now, and you wouldn't have attacked my men back at that camp and in Rhodes, ain't that right?" Kieran tried to fight for Colm's trust, but he couldn't think of any response. "Anyway, you ain't got nothin' to begin with, have you? They wouldn't tell you shit."</p><p>"Some of them do. They ain't all like you think."</p><p>"Tryna defend them now?"</p><p>"No, but they're not all like Dutch. They're not all hell bent on revenge, they just wanna survive. Some of 'em trust me."</p><p>"I don't wanna hear nothin' 'bout trust from you, boy." Colm grabbed Kieran's throat and clenched his fingers. It wasn't so much to choke him, but rather to dig his nails into his skin. "Trust means as much to you as Dutch Van der Linde means to me. If there's one thing you should have learned by ridin' with them, it's that that means fuckin' <em>nothin'</em>."</p><p>"I can tell you where they are," Kieran whispered, like it was a secret.</p><p>"I already know where their camp is," Colm said as he let go of Kieran's throat and began to leave, getting tired of the boy's begging already.</p><p>"Not anymore, you don't! They're movin', and I know where to." Colm stopped halfway up the stairs, the lantern flickering against his still silhouette.</p><p>"Need I remind you what will happen should you lie to me, boy?" Colm's voice became low and threatening, but there was a clear tone of interest in it. He wanted to know what he had to say, but he also didn't want to get fucked over. Not by someone like Kieran.</p><p>"Ain't no lie, sir, none at all. But if I tell ya, I wanna be free. No chains, no nothin'."</p><p>"Or maybe I just beat it outta ya, how 'bout that?"</p><p>"You wouldn't do that. You need all the men you can get your hands on. You need me."</p><p>Colm stood there for what could have been a whole minute. Just thinking. His mind was reeling and what terrified Kieran was that he had no idea what he was thinking. Was he seeing right through his bluff and was trying to decide whether to kill him or not? Was he considering letting him go? Was he thinking at all? Maybe he just wanted to make Kieran squirm.</p><p>Kieran didn't get an answer, and Colm began ascending the stairs once again. He held his breath, waiting for the darkness to swallow the room once more, but it didn't come. Though Colm did, right after he whistled for two more O'Driscolls. Kieran's back was forced against the jagged rocks, scraping enough to draw blood. The men held knives to his neck and stomach, and Kieran was frightened that his pulse and breathing alone would slice the skin.</p><p>"I don't need you, Kieran. I only want what you got. Now on the other hand, you need me. I can find out one way or another where they're campin'. The question is, will I find out here and now from you, or will I find out after a week or two from lookin' with your body scattered in pieces around the Lagras swamp? I hear the crocodiles get extra hungry this time of year."</p><p>"Don't do this," Kieran whispered, and that was just it. One single threat to his physical being and he became a puddle of begging and desperation. He hated it. "You need men. You need people by your side."</p><p>"Even if I didn't think you were lyin', you ain't nowhere near as strong as my men here." Colm motioned to the thugs, who seemed to be deriving pleasure from watching Kieran panic.</p><p>He realised then that Colm was right. He wasn't like them. But not that he wasn't strong, that didn't matter too much to him, but because he wasn't heartless. He could never do something like this to someone else. He's killed, but he's killed with mercy. He would never let someone suffer.</p><p>Kieran could never devote his loyalty and dedication to someone like Colm, who has no principles or morality. Dutch's gang showed him that you can have these things and still be successful. You can have heart, and that it's a motivator, not a weakness. He thought that maybe that was why he was having trouble proving himself to the gang. He was trying to kill, which Colm taught him, rather than to be smart, like Dutch was. But it all seemed like it was too late now to make the revelation.</p><p>It was just too late.</p><p>Not enough fight for the O'Driscolls, not smart enough for the Van der Lindes.</p><p>Just not enough.</p><p>"I need you to know something, Kieran. You are not alive because I need anything from ya. You're a hindrance more than anythin'. But there's somethin' about you, ya know? You're…" Colm clicked his fingers, the sharp sound was close enough to metal clanking inside of Kieran's head.</p><p>"A play thing," The guard to Kieran's left said, staring dead into his eyes, just waiting for Colm to give him the go ahead to shove the knife into his throat. Thirsty for blood.</p><p>"Yeah, that's it," Colm whispered, voice gentle, like the wind. Just as cold, too. "A play thing. A toy for me to twist and turn until somethin' snaps, and eventually you will break, and that's when I throw you away. Then maybe I'll bring in a new toy. Maybe one of your women this time. That Mary-Beth sure is a pretty lady, she looks like she'll break quicker than you would. Or maybe someone like Hosea. He's an old one, ain't he? Or maybe I'll go a tad closer to Dutch's heart. What about Arthur?"</p><p>Kieran pushed out from the wall, in that moment not caring that the blades were pushed against his skin, the cold steel stinging like thorns breaking the flesh. For a moment, his eyes grew just as wild as Colm's and his goons. His teeth bared, stained blood red and wanting to bite.</p><p>"Oh!" Colm laughed, his eyes wide with excitement. "We hit it boys!" The thugs laughed, and it was almost mechanic. They were putting their weight on one foot, and then the other, growing impatient with all the talk. "It's Arthur, isn't it? He's your nerve. Oh, this is fantastic."</p><p>"Leave them alone," Kieran growled.</p><p>"Maybe I am doin' this all wrong. We're sticking our knives in the wrong Van der Linde, boys. I aughta pay Arthur a visit before they start the move." Colm began to walk backwards, watching the way Kieran began to panic.</p><p>"Colm!" Kieran shouted. "You don't need them! I'll tell you what you want to know!"</p><p>"No, I think Arthur would wanna see you blubberin' like this." He raised one leg and stepped up the stairs before Kieran broke.</p><p>"Shady Belle!" Kieran shouted, eyes squeezed shut so tightly he could see stars. "They're goin' to Shady Belle!"</p><p>"Shady Belle." Colm tasted the words on his tongue, like it was the exotic name of an exotic woman. "Look at that, Kieran Duffy. Maybe you're not so useless after all."</p><p>"See, I'm loyal to ya. I can find out these things. Just let me go," Kieran ordered, and he anticipated Colm's laugher before it came. It was almost manic, and he could hear the man's lungs constricting under the pressure.</p><p>"Like I said, boy, if you were truly loyal to me, you would've told me that the minute you woke up in those chains. These men right here?" Colm motioned to the goons that were still holding knives to Kieran's throat and stomach. "<em>These</em> men know what real loyalty is. They're so loyal that they know exactly what I want without asking for it. Don't I, boys?" The men didn't reply. They were already ready. "Go ahead." Colm flung a hand over his shoulder as he began climbing the stairs out of the cellar, listening to the sound of his men dropping their knives, the metal clanking against the rubble, and beating Kieran until he passed out, blood splattering the floor and his cries no longer echoed in the room.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Are We Going Down?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u"></span>
  <em>"There's no time for us<br/></em>
  <em>There's no place for us<br/></em>
  <em>What is this thing that builds our dreams<br/></em>
  <em>Yet slips away from us?"<br/></em>
  <em>- Queen<br/></em>
  <em>'Who Wants To Live Forever'</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>1</strong>
</p><p>They started the move the next morning. Everything was packed and ready to go by midnight, but they didn't want to travel when they could only see by lantern light. Colm would use it to his advantage to catch them off guard and exhausted, so they switched guard duty more than usual that night so everyone got a decent amount of sleep.</p><p>Jack was spending the last few minutes sitting by the shoreline, stroking at Cain's fur and looking out for any fish jumping out of the water.</p><p>"Hey, we're leavin' soon, buddy," Lenny said. "Why don't you hop on board with your mom?"</p><p>"Sure," Jack said, though Lenny picked up on his blue mood.</p><p>"You doin' okay?"</p><p>"This new place we're going to, does it have a lake like this one?"</p><p>"Ah," Lenny smiled. "It ain't as pretty as this one, but I'm sure there's some fishin' spots nearby."</p><p>"I'm not allowed to fish by myself. Arthur worries that those Pinkerton men will come by again."</p><p>"Hey, you ain't gotta worry about those men, okay? They ain't here to bother you. You're like me, you're just a kid."</p><p>"You're not a kid!" Jack giggled.</p><p>"Well, I ain't as old as Grimshaw, am I?" Lenny laughed with Jack, and brought his finger up to his mouth to keep quiet in case she could hear them. "Come on." Lenny ruffled Jack and Cain's heads before prowling around him as though he was a tiger, and began to chase the boy, his laughter filling the lake with life before it should fall silent once they leave.</p><p>Over by the carriages, Dutch was cleaning his revolver and making sure his weapons were within reach should they run into interference on the road.</p><p>"We're gonna stop once we hit Bolger Glade, and those ready to fight will head into Shady Belle to make sure the place is clear, but we're going in well armed just in case."</p><p>"Well, I'm ready," Arthur nodded.</p><p>"Good," Dutch replied. "I know we don't usually move before we're ready, but we just can't stay any longer. Spendin' the night was dangerous enough." Dutch climbed aboard one of the carriages with Pearson sat beside him. "All aboard, ladies and gentlemen! Once again, we move along. Leave nothing behind, and stay close. It's not a long trip, but I still need you to all be vigilant."</p><p>Arthur climbed aboard a carriage with Hosea and Charles, and they moved off and away from Clemens Point, hoping that there were no O'Driscolls lurking in the trees.</p><p>He thought that he should come back once they'd settled to rid of any evidence of their travels to prevent anyone from tracking them, but Dutch was probably right, he was only thinking of Kieran. He thought of Kieran a lot. He knew that he shouldn't be putting so much faith into him ever coming back, and that faith was starting to fade, but he also couldn't bring himself to give him up either. He just had absolutely no idea where to start. Everything seemed to go in a circle. An answer to a question will only lead to more questions. If Kieran was trying to leave, why didn't Sean tell them? He wouldn't have killed Sean, would he?</p><p>He wouldn't turn his back on the gang — on Arthur — when he wanted to stay behind in the first place. But his horse was gone, and so was he. Nothing added up enough for Arthur to form a definitive answer. He wouldn't get an answer until he saw Kieran. Even if it was just for a moment, just to see the look in his eye and know what happened. That's why he wanted to stay behind. To see if he could catch that glimpse. Even though the chances of it happening were slim, it was all he had. If Kieran did get taken, and managed to escape, he didn't want him to come back to an empty plot of land with no clue of where to go. He didn't want to turn his back on him. Not just yet.</p><p>But he knew that he also couldn't spend a lifetime worrying. Dutch hardened him into a man who could turn off his feelings when it came to things like this when he had to. They lose people a lot, they couldn't spend months at a time breaking down over the losses of each member. They bury them, toast to their name with a dozen beers each and then carry on.</p><p>But Arthur couldn't mourn someone that he wasn't sure was even dead. Couldn't mourn someone that left his mind reeling every minute of the day. He was like a leech in his head. It didn't even plague his mind when Mary left him with unanswered questions. Kieran was… a wonder. He was Arthur's. He was his to protect and to be protected by. Being without him felt like leaving Clemens Point with none of his belongings.</p><p>He picked up his hat, and secured it onto his head, like he was closing a lid on it all. As he mounted his horse, he tried to leave the thoughts behind, and the question as to why he was comparing Kieran to Mary, and wanted to be rid entirely of the wonder as to why he felt more for Kieran now than he ever did for her. That thought scared him, because he didn't know what that meant. Now was just not the time to be having any possible revelations about himself. Especially ones like that.</p><p>
  <strong>2</strong>
</p><p>The journey was a short one, and it went by smoothly. They passed a few strangers, but they were just local farmer folk who tipped their hats to the travelling group and went on their way. They thought that the strangers wouldn't be so courteous if they knew that it was them who was one side of the gunfight in Rhodes, but then again, the people of Lemoyne weren't unaware of the O'Driscolls and the havoc they caused around Lemoyne alone, and were more than likely glad that a decent number of them were dead. They'd probably want to give them a medal and free drinks in the saloon for a month.</p><p>They stopped by the remnant battlefield site before they reached Shady Belle. They didn't want any possible Lemoyne Raiders to see them coming.</p><p>"All right," Dutch said, dismounting his horse. "The usuals, come with me. Bring your weapons, and be smart. If we can, let's do this silently."</p><p>Arthur, Bill, Charles, John, Micah, Lenny and Hosea all dismounted and equipped themselves with throwing knives along with bows and arrows. They also had guns, just in case things got ugly, but they hoped it wouldn't come to that.</p><p>"Are you sure you can handle stealth, big guy?" Micah sneered at Bill. "Like Dutch said, we gotta be smart about this."</p><p>"I can be smart," Bill countered, clenching his fist around his knife, wishing to use it on Micah before any Raiders.</p><p>"Well I suppose there's a first time for everything."</p><p>"Be quiet, Micah, if you can capable of that," Arthur said.</p><p>"Be careful, John," Abigail said.</p><p>"I will. Won't take long," he answered, and they took off further down the path and into the trees.</p><p>They could handle themselves fine. They were more worried about leaving the other behind. Everything they owned was in those carriages, and they were all out in the open. They just wanted to get rid of any squatters and get moved in. Once they'd done that, they could focus on finding out what happened to Kieran; or at least those who cared could find out what happened.</p><p>"Well while we're waitin', we might as well stretch our legs," Mary-Beth suggested, climbing out of one of the wagons, giving Tilly a hand out, too.</p><p>"We've been ridin' for five minutes," Susan groaned. "If you think you need to stretch your legs, missy, then you're not gettin' enough exercise."</p><p>"Well maybe if you were cramped up back here instead of on your pillowed seat with a view then maybe you'd think differently," Karen argued as she clambered out and made her way straight to the carriage behind her. It was no surprise that that was where they kept the alcohol.</p><p>"I don't know if that's such a good idea," Javier called out. "We should really be ready to go just in case it goes bad."</p><p>"If it goes bad, we'd hear it before we see it," she said. "Besides, a drink helps me fight should I need to. You boys know that by now."</p><p>"I'm just sayin'," Javier raised his hand in self defence. He would have raised both but his arm was still in a sling. "It's barely eight o'clock and you're already reachin' for the booze. Don't you think you should lay off until at least after lunch?"</p><p>"You know what, Javier?" She approached the man as she took a large swig, and the whole group knew what was coming. "I know you're just tryna be the good guy here, but I don't know if you've realised something. I cared about someone. No, actually, I <em>loved</em> someone. I ain't much for a settler, as you can probably tell, but this someone meant a whole goddamn lot to me. You know who that someone was? That someone was Sean! I! Loved! Sean! I didn't tell any of you that. I didn't tell <em>him </em>that, but I'm tellin' you now because I can't tell him, because he's fucking dead, and instead of his stupid accent making stupid jokes on this stupid trip, all I have is this stupid bottle. So no, I don't think I'll wait until lunch. I think I have earned the goddamn right to have a fucking drink!"</p><p>"Okay," Javier whispered. "Okay, Karen. I didn't mean to upset you."</p><p>Karen looked like she wanted to keep arguing, but another part of her just wanted to drown herself in the drink in the back of the splinter-infested carriage. As she took another swig, the group turned to a panicked voice.</p><p>"Jack?" Abigail called out. "Jack?" she yelled, even louder and it made nearby birds fly away at the noise.</p><p>"Keep your voice down, will ya?" Molly said. "You wanna let everyone within a five mile radius know we're here?"</p><p>"Where's Jack?" Abigail came over to the huddle in long strides, panic setting over her face.</p><p>"What do you mean? He was with you?" Pearson said.</p><p>"He jumped down to go over to you!"</p><p>"I haven't seen 'im," Tilly replied.</p><p>"Oh my god," Abigail breathed, already fearing the worst.</p><p>"It's okay. It's okay. We'll find him, don't you worry," Pearson consoled and picked up his gun. "Search the perimeter, he couldn't have gotten far."</p><p>"My boy." Abigail was beginning to crumble, but she didn't want to just fall to her knees and accept whatever fate was thrown at her. She wished nothing more than for Jack to just be playing hide and seek under one of the carriages or exploring among the rubble with Cain, but the dog was sitting in one of the carriages by himself, and she knew he was smarter than that to go running off when he knew how dangerous it was out there.</p><p>The group set off in every direction, guns up and ready with Karen and Javier staying behind with his healing arm to make sure no one came to steal from their wagons.</p><p>"Are you okay?" Javier approached Karen again, keeping his voice calm despite the situation.</p><p>"Why does this keep happenin'?" she asked.</p><p>"It's us." he said. "These things just always happen to us."</p><p>
  <strong>3</strong>
</p><p>Over in Shady Belle, the Lemoyne Raiders were just starting to brew their morning coffees.</p><p>"Mornin'," Ellis said, stumbling down from the porch steps, wiping a hand down his face and scratching as his side with his other.</p><p>"Mornin'," Jasper replied, pouring out the hot drink into his mug, and pouring out a second for the man.</p><p>"Not gettin' much sleep with those goddamn boars screamin'. Feels like I'm married with kids again." Ellis eased himself down onto the bench, taking the mug that Jasper offered him. "Thanks."</p><p>"There's been talk about a panther nearby. Maybe he's chowin' down on 'em in the middle of the night."</p><p>"There ain't no panthers 'round here, man," Ellis scoffed. "You only find them out west."</p><p>"Nah, you're thinkin' of cougars. I'm talkin' about a panther. Big and black. Kills ya before ya even know it's there."</p><p>"Well whatever it is, if it keeps the crocodiles away, then I suppose it can do whatever it wants. As long as it lets me sleep, that is."</p><p>"I hear ya," Jasper laughed, taking a long sip of his coffee.</p><p>"Morris back from guard duty yet?" Ellis asked.</p><p>"I haven't seen 'im."</p><p>"Go and have a look for me, will ya?"</p><p>"Screw you, man. I had mornings all yesterday <em>and </em>the day before. It's your turn for once."</p><p>"Fine, fine, whatever. But if I get torn up by some panther, it's on you."</p><p>"Yeah, yeah." Jasper waved him off. He watched as Ellis picked up his rifle and an ammunition box and headed out from the site and towards the path. Once he saw that he was out of view, he took a large sip of the rest of his coffee and got up from the bench. He eyed around the camp, making sure that he wasn't being watched, and made his way towards the trees.</p><p>Over at the entrance, Ellis was swatting flies as he made his way down the path. He wasn't a fan of guard duty. All he had to entertain himself was watching crows fly down and peck and the corpses of horse stomped rats.</p><p>"Don't shoot me, Morris. I won't be so forgivin' as last time," he called out. He didn't get a response, and assumed that the other man had fallen asleep. "You idiot, don't you be lazin' around on the job. I swear you—"</p><p>Before he could finish, he found Morris slumped against a nearby tree. He was killed so recently that blood was still dripping fresh from the tip of the arrow that shot straight through his head.</p><p>"Jesus!" he stammered. He turned and started to run back to camp to alert the others, but he almost tripped over his own footing when Charles was already standing ten feet away from him, holding a bow up and had an arrow pointing right between his eyes.</p><p>"You fuck—" Charles let go of the arrow tail, and the sharp blade of the head split through Ellis' skull. He collapsed to the ground and Charles motioned for the others to join him. The group emerged from the trees and stayed low.</p><p>"Go around back," Charles whispered to Bill, Lenny, Hosea and Micah then turned to Dutch, Arthur and John. "We'll go to the front. Stay low, they may still be on guard."</p><p>"Got it," Lenny replied.</p><p>The group separated, and those at the front approached the entrance, hiding among the bushes. There were four men outside of the house that they could see. One on the porch, one reading by a tent, and two more talking in the gazebo.</p><p>As they approached, Charles pointed to each of the men and back to his own, signifying who to take. They each moved away from each other, John taking the far west side, Dutch to Charles' left, and Arthur went far east.</p><p>As Arthur tried to find a better place for cover he heard rustling of leaves to his right. He moved across to hide and peered out to try and see what it was. He began hearing voices, and spotted a person among the trees. He avoided leaves and twigs as he moved closer to get a better angle of them. As he got closer he found that it wasn't one person, but two. One of the men was leaning against a tree with his head leaned back and his eyes closed. What took Arthur off guard was seeing the other man leaning against him, face buried in the other's man's neck, and doing things to him that were definitely not Lemoyne Raider approved.</p><p>"Would they really notice if we were gone for the mornin'?" Oscar said between kisses.</p><p>"I have stable duty in a couple hours," Jasper said.</p><p>"Exactly, in a couple hours. We've got plenty of time. We can just go."</p><p>"I wish it were that easy, Oscar," Jasper said, cupping his lover's face in his hands and pulling him away from his neck to look him in the eyes, "but you knew this never would be."</p><p>"I know it ain't," Oscar sighed, brushing a loose strand of hair away from Jasper's face.</p><p>"We run with these guys for a couple more months, then we're gone, you hear? For good this time, I already promised you that," Jasper said.</p><p>"It's not your promises I'm worryin' about. These guys ain't like us. If they even suspect somethin' is goin on between us—"</p><p>"You don't need to worry about 'em," Jasper interrupted and cupped Oscar's jaw to peck him on the lips. "You just think about what's ahead of us. Just you and me."</p><p>"Just you and me," Oscar repeated.</p><p>"Good," Jasper smiled, and Oscar brought a hand up and around his neck to pull him in for another kiss. Arthur was beginning to feel like he should walk away, not just from them, but from Shady Belle. He didn't know what was going on with these people, and wasn't sure if he wanted to kill them just for the land.</p><p>Before he could make any kind of decision, a loud crash came from inside the building. It alerted the men, and they pulled away from each other in an instant. They were clearly used to pretending like nothing was happening. Arthur leaned back in against the tree just in case they spotted him. They both ran towards the house and armed themselves, hoping that it was just one of their men drunk and stumbling around.</p><p>"Everything okay in there?" Jasper called out. He didn't get a reply, so he mumbled something to himself and started to make his way towards the house. "I said is everything okay in—"</p><p>He couldn't finish his sentence. Micah busted through the front door of the house and shot Jasper once in the chest, then fired at the man on the porch beside him.</p><p>"Jasper!" Oscar shouted, and instead of going for cover, he ran out into the open and dove next to his fallen lover. "You bastard!" he shouted, face contorted into an emotion that was almost inhuman. There was just no way that a man's face could possibly show the level of hatred, love, and agony all at once. He was broken. Oscar reached for his revolver, and aimed it at Micah, firing once while he was shooting the men hiding in the gazebo.</p><p>"Ah!" Micah shouted. "You goddamn fucker!" The bullet grazed his arm, and he grabbed hold of the wound with one hand and shot at Oscar with the other.</p><p>The Raider's emotions fell from his face as the bullet broke straight through his forehead.</p><p>Oscar fell back, his body collapsing next to Jasper's, both looking up at the sky, clear of any clouds and the sun beaming down on their blood-stained faces.</p><p>"Goddamn it! He got 'em! How'd this bastard get in?" The reading man shouted, book now forgotten and was hiding behind cover.</p><p>"How the hell should I know, I wasn't on guard!"</p><p>"Who the hell was?" He didn't get an answer either. Dutch shot at the man with his revolver, not knowing that the men were behind him.</p><p>A short firefight began, but the Lemoyne Raiders were embarrassingly outnumbered, and it didn't take long at all before they had all fallen. Once the firefight died down, Arthur approached the house, checking to make sure that Bill, Lenny, and Hosea made it through. After they each walked past he took a quick peek inside the house. Plenty of space, it looked like, despite it needing a clean. The walls were peeling, tables stacked atop each other and a thin coat of dust settling on pretty much everything save for a few spots where the Lemoyne Raiders must have been. They couldn't have been here too long.</p><p>As he stepped back from the house, and was making his way back to the gang a hand grabbed him by the ankle. He stopped dead in his tracks and brought out his revolver on instinct before his eyes even saw who it was.</p><p>Jasper's eyes were locked onto Arthur's, just as tight as his fingers were around the hem of his jeans. His mouth was moving, trying to say something, but nothing came out except a gurgling noise from his throat. Blood was pooling out from his chest wound, and it made his breathing come out jagged and uneven.</p><p>Arthur crouched down, and took hold of Jasper's hand. If this was an O'Driscoll, or anyone else at all, he would have just shot the man to get rid of him, but he just couldn't. He couldn't tear his eyes away from his. He saw something in them. Something far too familiar yet so foreign.</p><p>The grip on Arthur's hand tightened for a fleeting moment then grew weak, as the man was beginning to succumb to his fate. But he was a fighter, and the grip tightened once more.</p><p>But just for a second.</p><p>Another shot rang out in the camp, and a bullet went straight through Jasper's head, mirroring that of Oscar's. His hand went limp in Arthur's, and his eyes became distant, the sounds no longer coming from his throat.</p><p>"Don't wanna miss any now, do we cow poke?" Micah teased, baring teeth with a wide smile that took up most of his face. He turned away from the two dead bodies and opened his arms to their new camp. "That's all of 'em." He announced. Arthur growled, letting Jasper's hand fall to the ground and followed Micah towards the centre.</p><p>"What the hell was all that?" Arthur questioned.</p><p>"Forced evacuation, if you will," Micah smiled, looking far too proud of himself.</p><p>"Does stayin' quiet not mean anythin' to you?"</p><p>"People like this don't deserve to go out with smiles on their faces, Morgan. They die in <em>fear</em>."</p><p>"Well you better damn well hope that no one heard all that," he spat. A voice came from the entrance of the camp, and they would have raised their guns but they knew who it was right away.</p><p>"Is it clear?" Pearson called out. Arthur turned to the voice and grimaced but approached him.</p><p>"Yeah, it's clear," he replied. Pearson looked around as he hurried towards the group. "What are you doin' here? We said wait back at the site."</p><p>"Please tell me Jack followed you out here."</p><p>"No, why?" Dutch questioned, becoming curious. Pearson huffed out a breath, looking panicked. "Why?" Dutch repeated, coming off as more of an order.</p><p>"He's gone, sir," he answered, and Dutch's eyes widened. Pearson's breathing was becoming more frantic, but he was trying to keep it steady. "He's gone."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Masquerade</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>"I'm jumping over fences<br/></em> <em>I'm taking baths in rain<br/></em> <em>I'm not worrying about sleeping<br/></em> <em>Until I see your face."<br/></em> <em>- Gayngs<br/></em> <em>'The Walker'</em></p><p>
  <strong>1</strong>
</p><p>"Wait, what do you mean Jack's gone?" John asked, becoming panicked.</p><p>"I mean he's gone! He was there one minute, and gone the next," Pearson said.</p><p>"Well what happened?"</p><p>"Karen got upset about Sean, and she had been drinkin', so she started yellin'. I guess we weren't keepin' an eye on 'im. I wouldn't think he'd run off, we just got distracted for a minute." Pearson turned to John. "I'm so sorry, I didn't think this would happen. I'm sorry."</p><p>"Leave it, it ain't your fault," John insisted.</p><p>While they were talking, the rest of the group came in on the horses and carriages. Susan was holding Abigail close, comforting her as she cried on her shoulder.</p><p>"Abigail!" John said, running over and grabbing hold of his wife's hand. "Come 'ere, darlin'."</p><p>"My God, John, he's gone. I don't know what happened, I just…" Abigail trailed off as she choked on her tears, struggling to breath through her pain.</p><p>The others climbed down from their carriages once they made it into camp, all looking just as worried as each other.</p><p>Tilly climbed out of the wagon, and her dress caught on one of the screws coming out of the wood. As she freed herself, she noticed a flapping piece of paper on the corner of the wagon. She turned around to check for anyone coming up the entrance, but when she saw no one, she tore it off of the wagon. It was an envelope, and it wasn't addressed to anyone in particular. But on the back it read, '<em>From your dear friend, Colm</em>'.</p><p>"Oh my," she said, holding a hand up to her chest, brows furrowing.</p><p>"What's wrong?" Mary-Beth asked. Tilly didn't answer, she just walked over to Dutch and handed him the letter. She didn't want to be the bearer of bad news, not that she knew what it said, but she was sure that it couldn't be anything but.</p><p>Dutch read the letter to himself, but everyone could tell by the look on his face what the gist of it was about. His face contorted into one of disgust and anger. His fingers crumpled up the letter and tossed it into the campfire. They watched as the paper sizzled and browned before turning to ashes, the smoke taking the message away and into the sky.</p><p>"Well?" Arthur asked.</p><p>Dutch looked like he was trying to piece his words together. It was rare to see the man hesitant to speak. He always knew what to say, always, but Colm had a way of making the man crumble.</p><p>"It was the O'Driscolls. They took Jack."</p><p>"What?" Hosea took a step forward. "How the hell—"</p><p>"I don't know," Dutch interrupted, his breathing becoming uneven in anger, but he was doing his damn well best to suppress it. He was their leader, if anyone needed to have a level head, it was him. "I don't know."</p><p>"So what, they just took 'im from right underneath our noses?" Bill mused.</p><p>"They're smart," Charles said. "In a lot of ways, they're dumb, but in other ways they're smart."</p><p>"Goddamn it," Karen hissed. "This is all my fault, I shouldn't have gotten mad, we woulda kept an eye on him otherwise."</p><p>"There ain't no way you coulda known." Mary-Beth said, putting an arm around her and pulling her into a hug. "Don't you be worryin' about that now."</p><p>"They took him John," she whispered through tears. "They took our son."</p><p>"I know they did. And we're gonna get him back, you hear?" John held her hand as he helped pulled her through the camp to sit down.</p><p>"They couldn't have followed us, we had eyes everywhere," Charles said.</p><p>"So what, they already knew we were here?" Lenny asked.</p><p>"They must have done," Bill insisted. "They couldn't have just found us by chance. We coulda been anywhere, for Christ sake."</p><p>"How the hell did they know we were here?" Dutch looked at each and every person, trying to get a read on who may have an answer. When he turned to Hosea, he found that he was the only one that wasn't looking him in the eye. He looked... guilty, almost. He at least knew something. "Hosea." His voice became much more calm, like he was approaching a deer, trying not to startle it. "How did they know?"</p><p>"I… I think it could have been Kieran."</p><p>"What?" Dutch looked ready to blow a hole into whoever wronged him next.</p><p>"I… I told him. I told him we were thinkin' about movin', and I told him that it was here."</p><p>"And why the hell did you do that?" Dutch asked, approaching the man.</p><p>"Because he was frightened. Boy couldn't get a wink of sleep he was worryin' all the time. I wanted to make him feel at home with us."</p><p>"Great. That's just great," Micah spat. "We haven't even unpacked yet and we're already under threat. Good job, old man."</p><p>"It still might not be! They might've been following us here since we left Rhodes. Kieran might not have had anything to do with this!"</p><p>"You better damn well hope he didn't," Sadie scolded. "But until he can prove otherwise, I'm gonna assume he did, and that little shit scum will get what's comin' to him."</p><p>"Look, we shouldn't start actin' crazy," Lenny chimed in, trying to keep everyone civil. "Why would Kieran tell them something like that, huh? We don't even know if he's even with them, o-or if he's even alive!"</p><p>"He's done this before," Bill mentioned. "We had him tied to a tree for a few days and just under the threat of gettin' his balls chopped off, he led us right to Six Point Cabin. Who's to say he wouldn't give up information so easily on us?"</p><p>"Well for one thing, we ain't Colm," John said.</p><p>"You're right. He's worse. He <em>will</em> chop his balls off."</p><p>"Enough!" Abigail shouted, and the arguments halted. "I'm sick of hearin' nothin' but fightin' comin' from you boys! My son is out there! He is scared and alone! Now how about you do somethin' about this?"</p><p>"Where do we look? We don't know where Colm is. He's got dozens of camps scattered around the place. We're lucky to find one, how are we supposed to know which one Jack is in?"</p><p>"Kieran made a list of at least half a dozen of his camps in Lemoyne a little while back. We start there," Arthur said.</p><p>"Kieran said this, Kieran said that," Micah chided. "The boy is gone! He lied through his teeth, most likely. What makes you think we can trust anythin' he told us?"</p><p>"It's all we have to go on," Arthur objected. "So unless you just wanna sit around and wait for Jack to show up on his own, I suggest you grow up and actually help for once."</p><p>"You're nothin' but scum, Morgan."</p><p>"Enough," Dutch growled. "If this is all we have, then this is all we have. This time Colm O'Driscoll has gone too far. No man should ever take a child. He has gone and made the biggest mistake of his life." He turned to Abigail, and looked right in her eyes, determined. "And he will pay. This will be the last thing he takes from us. This will be the last thing <em>anybody </em>takes from this gang. We will fight, today, here and now, and we will have retribution."</p><p>"I'm with you," Sadie said, securing her hat to her head, lips tight and standing strong.</p><p>"Me, too." Susan cocked her shotgun with her head held high.</p><p>"And me," Charles added. All around the group people stepped forward, looking just as ready to fight as they were ready to die for Jack.</p><p>"You don't even need to ask," John said. "Let's get our boy back."</p><p>
  <strong>2</strong>
</p><p>Blood was spilled in multitudes that day. O'Driscolls were shot, stabbed, and many fled for their lives in droves. This only boosted Dutch's ego as a leader to know that his men and women were more loyal than Colm's.</p><p>Javier wanted to join them in the search for Jack, but they insisted he rest to give his arm time to heal. He disagreed. It didn't take too much out of his bicep to shoot a gun, and he was out of the sling that morning. He was a skilled shooter, and had been through much worse than this. A boy's life was at stake and he wasn't helping because of an inch wide hole in his arm. It was ridiculous. He had never felt so useless.</p><p>He had to fight, or he would start to go crazy. He didn't want to start thinking that should they all come back with nothing, that they could have found him should Javier have been searching too. He waited until everyone that was leaving had left before he decided to go out on his own. He picked one of the camps he knew the group wasn't heading to from Kieran's map so they wouldn't try to convince him to go home.</p><p>He knew the layout of the O'Driscoll's camps. They were always the same, and that was just one of Colm's many mistakes. Once you'd learned one, you knew them all. A bad design when you have a familiar enemy. They all had stables right by the entrance, a safe house for Colm should he be staying there, another for his men, work areas with a campfire around back, and he always had cells. Always.</p><p>He rode up to the Heartlands and stopped about 500 feet away from the camp to hitch Boaz inside an abandoned shack, out of view. He wanted to go in stealthily, especially since he was alone. If he needed a quick getaway he would steal one of the O'Driscoll's horses. The camps weren't small like some were in this area. They constructed walls and buildings, as they intended to stay where they built. Another mistake.</p><p>Javier knew where the dungeons were, and Colm wasn't above keeping Jack down there if he had him. Javier didn't put too much hope in the idea that he would be here. There's dozens of camps around this area and who knew where Colm was himself.</p><p>It was late afternoon by this point, and the O'Driscolls were starting to gather for dinner around back, leaving the entry more scarce than usual, save for a couple guards. They were easy enough to take down. Javier had one hell of a dead eye and was a master shot with two throwing knives.</p><p>"Y buenas noches," he whispered to himself. He retrieved his weapons from the corpses and absent mindedly cleaned them with a rag as he scanned around the area for any more O'Driscolls within spotting range or anything worth stealing.</p><p>What he did find was something he didn't expect.</p><p>Branwen. Kieran's horse, hitched up among all the rest.</p><p>This reminded him of what happened in Rhodes, when he watched the O'Driscolls tie Kieran up after they killed Sean through the scope of his rifle. He suspected that they were keeping Kieran somewhere, so he supposed he shouldn't be too surprised, but the idea of finding Kieran didn't cross his mind when he sought out to rescue little Jack. But now here he was, and he had no idea what to do.</p><p>Before he could make any kind of decision, he heard voices coming from around the corner.</p><p>"Mierda," Javier whispered and grabbed the two dead corpses by their jacket lapels and dragged them with him as he scrambled to hide behind a wagon. Two O'Driscolls appeared, each carrying mugs of steaming coffee and rifles in hand. They looked to be doing rounds around the camp, but they either seemed too invested in their hot drinks to notice that the entrance guards were missing, or just assumed they were out of view.</p><p>"I thought Colm was comin' back here tonight?" One of the men asked.</p><p>"How the hell would I know?"</p><p>"After what that stable boy said—"</p><p>"Kieran Duffy's a traitor. His word here don't mean nothin'." The O'Driscoll's hate for Kieran seemed pretty genuine to Javier. The kid doesn't seem to catch a break anywhere.</p><p>"I don't know, man, he told Colm that the Van der Linde gang were talkin' 'bout movin, and told him where they were headed, or somethin' like that. Roy told me that they found 'em right as they were movin' in. Took the boy without 'em even noticin', they said."</p><p>"Well shit. Boy would do anything not to be tied up."</p><p>"Doesn't mean he's loyal. He ain't even worth cleanin' our horses once Colm's done with 'im. Should get what he can out of the little shit then put him outta his misery, I say."</p><p>"You can say that again." The two men laughed among themselves as they grew out of earshot and made their way back around to the rest of the gang.</p><p>Javier sat there for a minute, trying to process what they had said. Kieran gave up information about where their gang was moving to to Colm? For what? Was he promised freedom? Spared death? He couldn't imagine. But Bill was right, he gave up Colm very easily to Dutch at the first threat of physical violence, and he couldn't see why he wouldn't do the same to them. The man seemed to put his own safety above everyone else's on instinct, whether he meant to or not.</p><p>He looked towards the cellar doors, and thought that if Kieran was here, then he was down there. But would he bother to free him? What if Jack was down there, too? The O'Driscolls didn't sound like they had the boy, but he needed to check. He decided to steal one of the coat and hat off of one of the corpses to disguise himself. If there were any other prisoners down there he didn't want them snitching on which Van der Linde member came to the rescue in exchange for an easier sentence.</p><p>He eased open the cellar doors, wincing at how they creaked and shone outside light deep into the dark. Javier covered his face with a bandana and secured the O'Driscoll's hat on his head to do his best to conceal his identity and moved down the stone steps into the cellar.</p><p>"Please, no more. I already told you folks what you wanted," Kieran whimpered. Javier took a moment to enjoy the sight of an O'Driscoll being tortured by other O'Driscolls. Of course he wouldn't admit that to anyone. He'd get the same old <em>'Kieran ain't no O'Driscoll'</em> talk he always did from Arthur. It was a moment just for him, although Kieran looked so disorientated that he wasn't sure if he would have recognised Javier with or without the disguise. Colm and his men sure as hell weren't taking it easy on him.</p><p>Javier approached Kieran with small steps so not to frighten him too much. He looked around the room hoping that Colm or whoever was beating Kieran had been sloppy and left the keys to his cuffs on a table, but he found nothing. Well, as many people including Javier himself said, he was nothing if not an excellent marksman. He brought out his Double-action Revolver and aimed it.</p><p>"No, please," the prisoner begged, trying to move away from the gun, like he was going to escape while chained to the wall. But the gun fired, and he wasn't shot. One of his hands fell loose from the chains, and he looked up to see that the masked man had shot not at him, but at his handcuffs.</p><p>"What?" he whispered, although he didn't get an answer. The man just shot again, this time at the other hand, and it too fell loose.</p><p>"What's going on?" one of the O'Driscolls shouted from above, and Javier looked up to see if they were here yet. They weren't nearby, so he shot two more quick shots at the ankle chains around Kieran's feet. He was free. Javier motioned to Kieran to follow him out of the cellar, handing him one of his revolvers.</p><p>Kieran had no idea who this man was. He was dressed as an O'Driscoll, but did that mean he <em>was </em>one? Did he turn against his own men? Was he an outsider? He supposed that now wasn't the time for questions. He took the gun and decided that right now this was the only friend he had, and he wasn't going to turn that down.</p><p>Javier led him out, checking over his shoulder every now and again to make sure he was still behind him.</p><p>"He's freeing the prisoner!" an O'Driscoll shouted, pointing towards Javier and Kieran.</p><p>"Is he one of us?" another asked. Before anyone could answer, Javier aimed his gun and shot straight through one of their heads.</p><p>"Yeah, I'm sure we shoot our own! Kill 'em!" The O'Driscolls began to gather, shooting rifles and repeaters at the wagon Kieran and Javier were kneeling behind. Kieran couldn't help but notice the corpses that were already dead beside them. One of them was missing his jacket and hat, so he assumed that was where the masked man got his from. He was definitely not one of them.</p><p>The enemy fire was beginning to spread as they tried to circle around them. Kieran did his best to blindfire, knowing that leaning out for a second would most definitely get himself shot. The other guy wasn't getting that message too clearly, he wanted to kill, but Kieran saw a possible way out. The wagons were weapon transport. He used to handle the horses on these carriages back in his days as an O'Driscoll.</p><p>"Have you got a knife?" he asked, and the masked man just glared at him. "A knife! Do you have one?" His response was more hesitation, but he soon handed him one. Kieran used it to jab at the wagon, trying to dig into the wood to create a hole. He wasn't about to risk his arm getting shot off trying to reach around the back to get some dynamite, so he did it the hard way. He tried to reach in and could feel the explosive but it was just out of reach.</p><p>"My arm's too short." he groaned, and Javier waved at him to get out of the way. Once Kieran was free Javier reached in and stretched to grab it. Just as he was about to take one, an O'Driscoll jumped from around the corner and aimed straight at Javier.</p><p>A shot rang out.</p><p>Javier's eyes were scrunched shut, waiting for the blood and pain… but it never came. A gust of wind and a loud thud came from behind him. The O'Driscoll dropped dead before he could fire. Javier turned back to Kieran who's revolver was smoking, still aimed at where the enemy was just standing.</p><p>Javier nodded to him. <em>Thanks</em>, it said.</p><p>"Can you reach it?" Kieran asked.</p><p>Javier remembered the dynamite, and dug deep into the wagon, grabbing hold of a stick and pulling it out of the hole. He lit a quick match and ignited it. He laid his hand out flat and lowered it. <em>Stay down</em>.</p><p>Javier threw the dynamite over the wagon and leaned down to protect his head, and Kieran did the same.</p><p>"Dynamite!" one O'Driscoll shouted, but the explosion cut off his voice. It took a few seconds for the sound to settle and the smoke to clear. Javier and Kieran were out of cover and wielding their knives long before any of the O'Driscolls could realise that most of their allies were dead. The knives dug into their throats and stained what was left of the camp with their blood.</p><p>"We should get out of here, in case more show up," Kieran said, still unsure as to who the stranger was. He didn't seem too keen on revealing himself right now, focused more on searching around the camp, back in the cellar, looking for something or someone.</p><p>He couldn't find anything. Jack wasn't here. All he had was Kieran.</p><p>"Did ya hear me? O'Driscolls come in and outta this place all the time, we need to go." Kieran jogged towards his horse in hopes that the man would follow, which he did. Javier unhitched one of the O'Driscoll's horses and mounted it as Kieran did with Branwen. They rode out and away from the camp and the deceased and the cell that was Kieran's prison. Away from it all.</p><p>Finally, Kieran was free.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. You Finally Feel Like Strangers</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u"></span>
  <em>"What was she doing here, poised between the plains and the mountains that broke the country in two? It wasn’t her place. She didn’t belong here."<br/></em>
  <em>- Stephen King<br/></em>
  <em>‘The Stand’</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>1</strong>
</p><p>Kieran and Javier stopped once they reached the abandoned shack where the latter hitched Boaz inside.</p><p>"I-I think we're in the clear." Kieran slowed down to a halt, and so did the masked man. His legs were shaking just as bad as his hands were, and for a moment he questioned whether or not he would be able to stand up fine on his own once he dismounted, but he managed to keep his balance. He bent over, leaning against his thighs and tried to catch his breath, more out of anxiety than from the physical exertion.</p><p>"Listen," Kieran started, and the masked man dismounted his horse and shooed it off with his arms, freeing it back into the wild. "I just wanna say thank you. I don't know who you are, or why you did what you did, but I really appreciate—"</p><p>Kieran was cut off when he felt something cold, hard, and sharp get pressed against his neck. He couldn't see what the man was holding, but it was clear enough that it was a knife. His eyes widened, and tried to reach for the man's hand, but his wrist was grabbed mid-air, and he was shoved against the nearest tree.</p><p>He was reminded of Colm. Being immobilised, unable to defend himself, shoved against a wall and not knowing if he would ever be free. It terrified him. But this man wasn't Colm.</p><p>The question was, who was he?</p><p>For the first time, Kieran was close and still enough to really get a good look at the man. And he would have eventually realised who it was before he even removed his mask, but the man did it anyway. He pulled down his mask, and Kieran's wrist grew weak in the man's hold.</p><p>It was Javier.</p><p>"What…" Kieran whispered. His voice was shaking, and he hated it. "Javier, w-why are you… What?" Kieran tried to wrap his mind around the situation, but to get an answer he needed a question. But he didn't even know what the question was in the first place.</p><p>"Shocked, huh?" Javier said.</p><p>"What are you doing?" Kieran's eyes motioned down to the knife still pushed firmly against his neck.</p><p>"Letting you know what's gonna happen," Javier informed. "Now listen to me, all right? 'Cause I'm only gonna say this once. Are you listenin'?"</p><p>Kieran hesitated for a moment, but he started to nod his head. "I'm listenin'."</p><p>"I saw what happened in Rhodes. I was there. I watched it all happen through a scope."</p><p>"That was you? With the sniper?" Kieran asked, and Javier hummed.</p><p>"I know you didn't kill Sean, and I know you didn't leave on your own accord. For that reason, I saved you from Colm, but that's the only favour you're getting from me, because I also know what you told him. I know that you're a <em>coward</em>. I know that you will never understand what it takes to be one of us. So you will leave, now, and you will not show your face around here again, because if you do? I will be cleaning this knife of your blood for <em>weeks, </em>entiendes?"</p><p>"I-I…" Kieran tried to form a coherent sentence, but Javier shoved the knife further against his throat, on the verge of breaking the skin.</p><p>"Do you understand?"</p><p>Kieran closed his eyes tight, not wanting the man to see him turn to a quivering mess.</p><p>"Yes," he managed to say. "Yes, I understand."</p><p>"Good," Javier said, pulling the knife away from his throat, though his gaze was just as sharp and twice as deadly. He started to walk away from the shaken man.</p><p>"The gang," Kieran called out, and Javier stopped midstep, but still didn't turn to look at him. "Are they okay? I mean… other than…"</p><p>"They all made it fine." Javier considered telling Kieran about Jack, but decided otherwise. Kieran wasn't a welcome member of the gang anymore, therefore it was none of his business.</p><p>"What do they think? About me? Do they think I did it?"</p><p>"That's what Micah said. And Dutch. He believes it, too. Everyone else? They either don't know what to think, or… honestly, I don't think you mattered that much to them to even care what to think."</p><p>"And Arthur?" Kieran's voice was much lighter, and it almost made Javier pity him. Almost.</p><p>"Arthur's moved on," Javier said. He didn't know why he said it. He didn't know if it was to make the situation worse or better for Kieran. He either felt bad about it, knowing that the one person he truly cared about didn't care about him at all, or he thought that he wouldn't need to worry that Arthur was looking for him, and Kieran himself could actually move on. Javier hoped more for the latter to be true, but he still couldn't subside the small drop in his stomach at the lie he told, because he knew Arthur cared for Kieran. He cared a lot. What Kieran needed to know was that he couldn't come back, it just wouldn't work out, so he needed to make sure he wouldn't. The only way to be sure of that was to take away the one thing — or person — that he would go back for.</p><p>Kieran watched as Javier walked into the shack and came out with Boaz. Javier mounted him and rode further and further down the path until he was out of view. In that moment, Kieran slumped against the tree and released a breath that he had been holding for much longer than he thought.</p><p>He hadn't been here in a while. This place in his mind and in the world where he had nowhere else to go. Everyone that he had ever known was unavailable to him. Every relationship he had made over the course of his life was over. He had nothing. Nothing and no one.</p><p>He wanted to be angry. He wanted to fight. He wanted to run after Javier and tell him that he didn't get to put all the blame on him, and that he could threaten him all he wanted but he was still going home with him. But he couldn't, and he didn't. This was just how things were. He had learned to accept that fact years ago when his parents died, and he was made to fend for himself. This may not always be life, but this was <em>his</em> life, and he had to settle for that because it was his only option.</p><p>He mounted Branwen once more and set off, riding in a direction that doesn't lead to the Van der Linde camp, and doesn't lead back to the O'Driscoll camp either. He didn't know where he was going, but he sure knew where he wasn't. He just let the path guide him. He trusted it to take him where he needed him to be and to where he belonged. Wherever that was.</p><p>
  <strong>2</strong>
</p><p>Arthur sat away from the group, much like Kieran always did. Not because he felt cast out from them, but because he just wanted to be alone.</p><p>He sat by his own fire, smaller than the one in the centre of camp. He was holding onto a framed picture of the couple of raiders that he saw hiding amongst the trees, which was also one of the men that looked up to him before he died. He found it hidden in a safe box that was under the bed in the room Abigail allocated to him. It must have been theirs; or at least one of theirs. The picture showed the blonde man, turning and kissing the cheek of the other. The man was looking into the camera, with the same eyes that bore into Arthur's before he was shot for the second time. On the back, it read '<em>Jasper &amp; Oscar. 1988</em>'.</p><p>He can't imagine that the two were exactly showing of their relationship. Lemoyne Raiders weren't exactly known for being accepting of anyone that was different in that way. They were confederate freaks who murdered anyone who wasn't their own and discriminative on pretty much every subject. He just couldn't see how they would be accepting of homosexuals in their group, it just wasn't in their taste. The men must have kept themselves a secret. He just can't understand why they would run with people like the Lemoyne Raiders if they didn't share the same views. But then again, Kieran was nothing like the O'Driscolls. Sometimes things happened that were beyond your control.</p><p>Arthur didn't want to look to far into it. He doesn't want to be kept up at night wondering if he shouldn't have let them die in case they were just some innocent folk being dragged into a bad situation. He had enough nightmares as it was.</p><p>"How you holdin' up?" Arthur was pulled from his thoughts by Hosea, holding two coffees and offering one to him. He put the picture frame under his leg, not wanting to be questioned on it.</p><p>"As much as everyone else. Thinkin' bout Jack and Kieran, missin' Sean, is all. Doesn't get any easier, losing someone, no matter how many times you go through it."</p><p>"Mournin' ain't supposed to be easy." He took a seat on the log next to Arthur, close enough to comfort him. He knew that he couldn't fix Arthur's worries with any words of reassurance, but if there was one thing he did need, it was a friend.</p><p>"I keep tryna think of what we coulda all done differently, you know? I shoulda seen that guy comin' at Javier back at the O'Driscoll camp. Just like I shoulda seen what happened with Sean and Kieran. Now Jack's gone and I can't help but think how I coulda been there to stop that, too. One man injured, another dead, and two missin', all 'cause I'm not lookin' out for 'em."</p><p>"You were doing what you could. There ain't nothin' wrong about that. If you hadn't, Javier coulda had a shot to the head instead of the arm, and Kieran might be dead, too."</p><p>"Hell, he might be."</p><p>"Well we don't know what happened to him."</p><p>"What do you think happened?" Arthur turned to look at Hosea, like whatever answer he gave him was the right one. It was all he had to go on right now.</p><p>"I don't believe he would've just run off, that doesn't seem like him."</p><p>"Even after everything? After us pushing him to nearly getting himself killed? Everyone givin' him a hard time over Javier gettin' shot? Blamin' him for everything that goes wrong, even if he wasn't within a mile of it? He probably thinks we're blamin' him for Sean gettin' killed. Terrified that we were gonna kill him if the O'Driscolls hadn't already, and maybe he really did high tail it. It'd be the smart thing to do, I guess." He shook his head with a humourless laugh. "I hate that I'm startin' to agree with Dutch. I hate even more that that means I'm agreein' with Micah, too, the goddamn idiot."</p><p>"Kieran loves this gang. Sometimes it treated him like dirt, but it's all he had. He wouldn't leave. Not like that."</p><p>"Don't try and be all sentimental on me, Hosea, you know I'm right. He's a nervous kid. I would never have expected you, myself, or anyone else to have gone into that camp alone. We knew it was too dangerous to do on his own, but we were all looking at Kieran like he was… expendable. Like it wouldn't be blood on our hands just because he wasn't completely one of us. Jesus, if I even know what makes any of us anymore."</p><p>"You didn't mean to make him do anything like that. Dutch… has his ideas. He wanted Kieran to go into that camp because there was a chance we could have gotten back at the O'Driscolls. But he knew the risks. If this is on anyone, it's on him."</p><p>"But Dutch listens to me. I should have said somethin'. Instead I just…" Arthur took a deep breath, filled with defeat. "I just let him. I didn't stop to think whether it was a good idea. I just trusted Dutch's judgement, and it didn't take me until now to figure out that it wasn't smart. Makes me think how many other times I've gone through with a plan I wouldn't dare think of myself."</p><p>"Well there's no changin' anythin' now. What's done is done. And don't you dwell on it, neither."</p><p>"No, I won't." Arthur put on a more upbeat tone of voice, but Hosea knew better. He turned back to the fire, rubbing his face in his hands, like it was still covered in muck and blood. That feeling lasted for days sometimes.</p><p>Not too far from where Arthur was sat, Javier laid in his tent, trying to focus on reading his book, but he couldn't help but catch onto the conversation. He knew that Arthur worried about Kieran, but he didn't know that it was hurting him this much.</p><p>Javier tried to take his mind off of Arthur, but every time his eyes caught him he got caught in his waves of misery. His guilt hurt worse than his bullet wound. Arthur was worrying about Kieran all the damn time. He was conflicted on what he thought happened with the kid and he needed answers. Answers that Javier had. Answers he had no reason to hold back other than his own selfish greed. Javier took the day to go back on forth as to whether or not he should tell Arthur what happened, but he knew that he had no place to hold information like that. Arthur was a grown man and could make his own decisions. It wasn't up to Javier to choose whether or not Kieran was part of the group, and if he could go back in time, he would have taken him back to camp when he saved him. But he let his anger get the better of him. He still saw Kieran as the O'Driscoll that let him get shot. Arthur saw something else. Something beyond that. He saw the real Kieran.</p><p>"You've got too much weight on your shoulders, friend," Javier said, sounding exhausted and impatient waiting for his arm to heal already. He went to stand by Arthur who was looking over Kieran's map in house's dining room. He was crossing off O'Driscoll camps that they had already raided in search for Jack, and Javier eyed the camp where he found Kieran. He had to tell Arthur otherwise he would sure be confused as to why all the O'Driscolls there were already dead.</p><p>"I ain't got much else to do right now <em>but</em> worry. I can't look in any more camps until the others get back, in case they've already got 'im. The waitin' is the worst part of it."</p><p>"Rest with me. Have a smoke." Javier handed him a cigarette from his pack and lit it with a match.</p><p>"Thanks," Arthur said, and after the first breath he realised just how much he needed it. It was easy for them to forget how distracted they become, and needed a moment to themselves. "How's your arm?"</p><p>"It's beginning to close up. It's the muscle that's the worst of it. Like you said, the waitin' is the worst of it." Javier smiled, but the joy was short-lived.</p><p>"I know you blame Kieran for it, and I suppose you have a right to in a way, but I just wish you'd understand he never wanted it to happen."</p><p>"You're defending a man who's not even here, like he needs it."</p><p>"That's exactly why, because someone has to." Arthur took another smoke, much longer this time, and Javier felt that familiar guilt once more. "With Jack gone… old friends not being around no more, seems like we're losin' people quicker than we're gainin' 'em."</p><p>By the look on Arthur's face, Javier knew he was thinking about Sean. He really missed that kid. Javier himself felt a little piece of him missing not hearing that Irish accent booming around the camp, and Molly's couldn't even begin to compare. Javier looked into the fire crackling in the night, feeling Arthur's pain pool in his own gut.</p><p>"We'll get Jack back, Arthur," he said, voice significantly lower, though more stern. "I don't know a lot of things, but that I do know. No one would wanna hurt that boy."</p><p>"I sure hope you're right about that." Arthur took in a deep breath, trying to not let himself get too depressed over the thought. "I don’t know what John would do if he lost that kid. He doesn't act like much of a father, sometimes I think he pretends he isn't… but I know that he would give his life for him."</p><p>"I'm sure he would."</p><p>"Yeah, I know he would. Man is just like the rest of us, hidin' behind somethin'. But should the time come to save any of us, we'll all be there, even if it cost us ourselves." Arthur drifted off into his own thoughts, and Javier could tell by the look on his face that he was still talking to himself in his mind.</p><p>"Yeah," Javier said, not wanting to start this conversation. "About that." When he didn't continue, Arthur gave him a questioning look.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"I know that you'd do anything to save Jack, and so would I, and I know that you'd do anything to save Kieran, too. And I wouldn't think that I'd agree with that, at least not at first, but… I did."</p><p>"Whad'ya mean?" Arthur was beginning to change the way he looked at Javier, and it made him nervous. The man was going to be upset with him, and he was going to have to accept that.</p><p>"I… I went out to look for Jack after you guys had left."</p><p>"Your arm, Javier," Arthur stressed.</p><p>"I know," Javier sighed. "But you saw how Abigail looked. I couldn't just sit around and wait for you guys to come back just to say you hadn't found him. I wanted to help."</p><p>"All right, well… what about Kieran?" Arthur was beginning to get agitated.</p><p>"I got into one of Colm's camps and… I found him."</p><p>"Kieran was with them?" Arthur moved to the edge of his seat, staring at Javier.</p><p>"Yes, but… he wasn't working. He wasn't <em>with</em> them, he was… a prisoner."</p><p>"He what?" Arthur was ready to leave should he need to.</p><p>"He was in one of their cells. He was beaten pretty bad, but… I let him go."</p><p>"Why did you do that? Why didn't you leave him?" It wasn't a question as to why he would think about saving Kieran, but rather as to why <em>Javier</em> would save Kieran.</p><p>"Because I was there in Rhodes." It took Arthur a moment to remember, and to piece together what Javier meant.</p><p>"You were the one with the sniper?" Arthur recalled.</p><p>"That's right. Kieran didn't kill Sean, Arthur. Sean was trying to <em>save </em>him. It was the O'Driscolls that shot him."</p><p>"Why the hell are you only telling me this now?"</p><p>"I…" Javier struggled to find an answer. Was it because he didn't trust Kieran? He wasn't sure about that.</p><p>"Well, where is he?"</p><p>"Arthur, don't be angry." Javier tried to calm him down.</p><p>"I'm not! I just want to know where he is!" He was clearly angry. Javier had said enough to get the ball rolling, no point in stopping now.</p><p>"I told him to go," Javier muttered. Arthur's eyes changed from wonder to betrayal pretty damn quick. "I let him go, he's safe from what I know, but… I told him not to come back to camp. I told him… I told him that we've moved on. That <em>you</em> moved on."</p><p>"Why the hell did you do that?"</p><p>"Because he is the reason Jack got kidnapped, Arthur! He is the one that told Colm that we were moving to Shady Belle! If he hadn't've told them, Jack would be here right now."</p><p>"But Kieran would be dead."</p><p>"Maybe, but—" Javier stopped when Arthur jumped up and stormed up to his room. He followed him and watched as he started packing for ammo and some food. "What are you doing?"</p><p>"I'm goin' to get Kieran."</p><p>"Arthur, listen to me, I—"</p><p>"I appreciate you helpin' him outta there, but now it's my turn, don'tcha think?" Javier realised that he had no right to fight Arthur on this.</p><p>"How will you know where he is?"</p><p>"I've got an idea."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Do You Know Me Now?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u"></span>
  <em>"And I'd moved farther than I thought I could<br/></em>
  <em>But I missed you more than I thought I would."<br/></em>
  <em>- Amber Run<br/></em>
  <em>'I Found'</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>1</strong>
</p><p>"Arthur!" Dutch said, sounding tired and desperate. "Listen to reason. Please, son. He did this once, and he will do it again. We need to move on from trying to save him and think about us."</p><p>"It ain't like that no more, Dutch." Arthur wasn't looking at the man, he was busy gathering the things he needed for the road. He was a man on a mission.</p><p>"It was always like that. Think about poor Sean, he should be here. We shouldn't be burying our people, he was too young. We keep mingling with people like Kieran and soon enough we'll be burying little Jack. Burying babies. Burying pregnant women." Arthur grimaced at the way Dutch described it. He knew he was just trying to scare him, but it was working. "Now I know that's not what you want, so take my advice, son. I know you cared for poor Kieran, but we need to be strong now, for those of us who you know are your family."</p><p>"I know who my family is, Dutch, but it seems to me like maybe you don't."</p><p>"What's that supposed to mean?"</p><p>"It means that people like Kieran, people who fought for us even when they had no reason to, are being cast out when people like Micah, selfish and empty-headed fools, are being welcomed into our family with welcome arms. I know when somethin' don't feel right, and <em>that </em>don't feel right."</p><p>"I protect this family, son. I do what needs to be done."</p><p>"Well maybe I need some of that faith you got there, Dutch." Arthur eyed the man with a sense of distrust he had never felt for anyone before in his life. "Because I just don’t see things the way you do. If Kieran is so goddamn evil, then I guess I'll need to see it for myself. Until then? He is family, and I will treat him as such." He slung his repeater over his shoulder and secured it, adding his revolvers to his holsters and making his way to his horse in long strides, his spurs exaggerating his movements with each step.</p><p>Dutch got scared. The feeling was foreign to him, but he knew it when he felt it. It wasn't the risk of getting killed in a gunfight, or being hung by the government that scared him, no. What scared him was losing his family. Losing Arthur. The boy's trust in Dutch was fading, and that frightened him. That made him admit something he thought he would take to his grave.</p><p>"I knew!" he called out as Arthur mounted his horse. He looked down at Dutch, wondering if he had finally gone crazy after all these years.</p><p>"Knew what?" he asked, and Dutch hesitated before answering.</p><p>"About Kieran," he said. "I knew what happened to him."</p><p>Arthur was still on his horse for at least 20 seconds. He was taking it in. He hoped that he misunderstood what Dutch was talking about, but he knew that it was what he thought.</p><p>"How?"</p><p>"Colm. When Jack went missin', and he left us that letter, he told me he took Jack, and he told me he took Kieran, too."</p><p>"And why are you only telling me this now?"</p><p>"I didn't want you going after him. Jack was gone, and I didn't want you worryin' about that O'Driscoll boy—"</p><p>"No," Arthur interrupted, "I mean why are you telling me you know now? Why bother?"</p><p>"Because I wanted you to hear it from me. I didn't want Kieran to tell you that I knew, and for you to think I wasn't going to. I don't want to lie to you, Arthur, not anymore."</p><p>"But you did," Arthur accused. The tone of his voice was reserved for the lowest of men that he spoke to. To use it on Dutch was… something else.</p><p>"You're right I did, and I apologise for that." He sounded genuine enough, but it wasn't the time for that now. Arthur shook his head and sat up straight on his horse, making himself look stronger and more sure of himself than he felt.</p><p>"We'll talk about this later."</p><p>"Arthur," Dutch said, voice almost breaking.</p><p>"Don't, Dutch. There ain't nothin' you can say to fix this right now. I have to fix this. I'm gonna find him, and I'm gonna bring him home. While I'm gone, you're gonna need to make your peace with that. I've accepted the choices you've made, Dutch Van der Linde. It's time for you to do the same for me." With that, Arthur turned and rode out of Shady Belle. He knew where he needed to look, and he couldn't see himself returning without Kieran. He had to do what he had to do. Whatever that would cost him, he would pay it.</p><p>No matter what.</p><p>
  <strong>2</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>
      <span class="u">3 months ago.</span>
    </em>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <span class="u"></span>
  <em>Kieran had nightmares. A lot. He would curl in so tight on himself and mumble to himself, his eyebrows furrowed, exaggerating the creases in his forehead, and his fingers twitched like they were grabbing for something, someone, or trying to escape.</em>
</p><p><em>Arthur was getting too familiar to this for it to be something he could just brush off as </em>'it happens'<em>. Kieran had nights like these at least three or four times a week, and it wasn't doing anything for him mentally or physically. When Kieran first joined, he tried to ignore the muffled moans that came from his corner of the camp, but it got to the point where no one else was getting much sleep because of it, so Arthur had to step up.</em></p><p>
  <em>He knew to move Kieran's guns away from near his body before he tried to wake him up. The first time he tried to do so, a bullet whizzed past his temple, and put everyone in camp on alert, some thinking that he tried to shoot Arthur on purpose. That sure was a bad day.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When he knew he was safe, he stood about five feet away and started tossing pebbles and small rocks at Kieran's body. He learned his lesson the first time around that he shouldn't try to wake him up with his own hands, unless he wants his eyes clawed out. Kieran was more defensive in his dreams that he was in real life, it seemed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kieran would twitch at every stone thrown at him, and was beginning to stir as the stones got larger. It took one thrown at his arm to break him out of the dream, and he scrambled in fear back until he hit a tree, and wrapped his head in his arms. He took rough and heavy breaths through tears he was trying to hold back. It sounded like the kid had just ran a marathon, and it wasn't an easy sight for anyone.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It's all right," Arthur reassured, keeping his hands up to show he wasn't going to hurt him. "You were just havin' a bad dream there, is all."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kieran didn't budge, as though he couldn't even hear Arthur. He kept his arms around himself, blocking the outside world from coming in. He rocked back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Kieran," Arthur said, a little more gentle. "You're fine. It was just a dream."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Still no response. He didn't expect one much, but he hoped that somewhere in Kieran's head he could hear him and was eased by his words. Until then, Arthur sat down a few feet away, just keeping Kieran company.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He wasn't much to the man at the time, as Kieran had only been with them for two weeks, and was practically fresh off of the tree, but he guessed that if he could be anything to him, he could be a friend. It was a good place to start. The list of people that didn't trust Kieran then was much larger than the list of those that did. He came from Colm O'Driscoll, so Arthur couldn't blame them, but the man seemed safe enough. He was more skittish than a mangy rat, and seemed more afraid of Colm than anyone Arthur had seen. He tried his best to make it out to be like he was just a tough leader, but it was times like this when Kieran was waking up from terrors that showed how he really felt about him. Colm scared the hell out of him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Don't mean to keep you up at night like this," Kieran said, voice shaking. He seemed to have finally realised that he was just sleeping, and was facing reality again. "I'm tryin'."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It ain't your fault, Kier," Arthur said, "I was like that once. Maybe not takin' it the same way you are, but I know what it's like."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yeah," Kieran whispered, wiping a hand down his face. "You can go back to sleep, if you want. I'll just stay awake."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Nah, it'll start gettin' bright in an hour or two. Besides, I was hopin' to head off soon anyway."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Where ya goin'?" Kieran still wasn't meeting Arthur's eyes. It was like he was ashamed. Embarrassed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I just like to take a few days to ride every now and again." Arthur kept the conversation going nonetheless. "Can get a bit much, bein' around these folk all the time."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I hear that," Kieran laughed, and Arthur felt a little pride at that. That smile would not have been there if he wasn't.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"How 'bout you come on the trip with me, Kieran Duffy?" Arthur proposed. "Think a change of scenery would do you good."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't know," Kieran hesitated. "It's been rainin' the past few days, the horses will need a good clean tomorrow."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You ain't eatin' right, boy. You're havin' nightmares 'bout Colm O'Driscoll, and wakin' up only to realise you're with us, and you ain't sure if that's any better. People can clean their own damn horses, you just worry about your own. So come on. Ride with me."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't think the group will like that."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Dutch can advise me not to, but that's as far as it'll go. So grab some gear and hop on, I'm leavin' in five minutes."</em>
</p><p><em>"But</em>—<em>"</em></p><p>
  <em>"Five minutes!" Arthur called out, a smile on his face as he walked away.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So they headed out before sunrise, riding out as far as they felt like going, and they ended up at Owanjila lake in West Elizabeth. They knew that they weren't going to go home without catching the mythical huge Smallmouth Bass that swam there. Said to be at least 20 pounds, maybe more, and it had Kieran and Arthur's name on it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Arthur lit up a smoke and took a deep breath as he leaned on the fence on the dam.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Want one?" He outstretched his hand to offer Kieran a cigarette.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No, thank you. I'm fine."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Suit yourself," Arthur said, smoke puffing from between his lips.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>They stood there in the quiet for a couple of minutes. Each taking in the surroundings and enjoying the silence. The birds were distant yet atmospheric. The fish were extra lively in this area, too, which Kieran appreciated. Ever since being taken in by the O'Driscolls he hadn't had much peace like this. There was always someone yelling at him or some other poor fella. Then it was the constant need to be on edge thinking one of the gang members were going to kill him in his sleep, or while he was wide awake for that matter. This was nice. Arthur was right, he did need a change of scenery.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Arthur pulled out his fishing rod and began to attach a cricket to the hook before Kieran brushed his hand against his to stop him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Here. Use this instead." He reached into his pocket and handed Arthur another bait.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"John told me to use crickets and what not for Smallmouth Bass?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Sure, but you'll have a better chance of catching the big ones with this."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Well then boy am I glad you're here." Arthur swapped the cricket for the special lake lure and attached it to the line. "I've always been more of a hunter than a fisherman. Looks like you could teach me a thing or two." Kieran smiled at the suggestion.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Is that why you took me out here? To teach you how to fish?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I brought you out here because it's about time someone put a little trust in ya." Arthur said the comment in a passing moment, but when all he got was silence he looked towards Kieran who was staring at him, questioning yet doubtful. "Well, if we weren't gonna trust ya, we would never have untied you from that tree now, would we? I don't see any reason as to why you shouldn't be allowed to leave camp, go ridin' through the hills and go fishin' whenever you want. The whole idea of an outlaw is that you're nature's free man. Can't be that if you ain't doin' what you want."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"If I came out here alone, I'd get robbed, beaten, or snatched up by some O'Driscolls, or who knows what kind of gangs hang around these parts. I don't feel like much of a free man, Mr Morgan."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Arthur," he said, and Kieran looked like he was struggling to accept that for a moment.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't want to be disrespectful."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"If you're gonna be ridin' with us, then you should know that there ain't that many rules, but the ones we do have, we stick by. We ain't a hierarchy. There ain't no man on top or runt of the group. We're a family. We stick together and we let no man die alone. There ain't no sir this or ma'am that. I call you Kieran, and you call me Arthur, okay?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"All right," Kieran said in a light breath, giving his fishing partner a nervous smile.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I know it's hard, but we ain't O'Driscolls. We ain't gon' treat you like they did. It'll take some time for you to get used to that, but you will. As long as you wanna stay with us, that is."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I do. I spent too much time by myself, and it just ain't for me. I like havin' people around. The O'Driscolls were definitely not the right type of people. Being with them is the only reason I think y'all folks are havin' a hard time acceptin' me, but… I wanna make this work."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"And we will," Arthur smiled, wrapping an arm around Kieran for a moment before letting him go. The only time the younger man got that much contact was to be punished. It felt nice for it not to be out of hate for once. "There's a place for everyone. Gotta put home somewhere."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Oh yeah?" Kieran turned to Arthur with an inquisitive look in his eye. "You fellas move around all the time, I wouldn't think home was a word you'd use."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Well, camp is home, so home is wherever camp is."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Home is more than that though, ain't it? It's one place in the entire world that you love. A place you would stay for the rest of your life and be happy. You got a place like that?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Well," Arthur said, not expecting Kieran to get so interested, "we move all over, a new place every couple months, I'd say. We ain't in one place for very long. But I suppose Blackwater was the closest we ever came to settlin'. First place I really called home before… well, you know."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Mmh," Kieran said. Arthur doesn't talk much about what happened, but he heard enough about it to know it impacted the group.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I suppose if there's one place I'd like to go should I be able to go anywhere is back there. I know I can't, there's too much goin' on, but I liked it there. Nice place, nice people. That's all you need, ain't it?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You may be right," Kieran said, and began to feel a fish nibbling at the bait. It didn't take him too long to reel it in.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Not it," Kieran said, but still proud of his catch.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Not it, but still a good one," Arthur agreed. Kieran nodded and unhooked the fish from the line and let it slip into a bucket beside him. He cast out the line once more. Fishing was routine to him. Following steps.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What about you?" Arthur asked. "Where'd you go?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kieran looked further out into the lake, taking in the familiar body.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Right here," he said.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Serious?" Arthur asked, looking around.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"There was a nice little piece of land just north of here where I spent a lot of time growing up."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Little Creek River?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yeah, that's it. As far as I know it's pretty much abandoned now. I went there a few times before Colm picked me up. My mammy and pappy talked about buildin' a ranch up there when I was real young, but they passed away before they could make anythin' of it."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Well," Arthur said, "maybe someday you can do that yourself. It's nice and quiet 'round these parts. I can see you being a ranch man."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kieran laughed, and it was a genuine euphoric one at that. Arthur was right, he was already good with horses and he could fish to take care of himself. In a better world, he'd be doin' that already.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Maybe someday," he said, eyes twinkling in a way that they hadn't since he was a child.</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>3</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>
      <span class="u">Present Day.</span>
    </em>
  </strong>
</p><p>Arthur arrived in West Elizabeth the evening of the next day, the peachy tint shaded the landscape and passing folk's greetings were beginning to sound tired after a long day of labour. He made a stop in Strawberry to stock up on provisions and thought that it wouldn't hurt to ask around to see if anyone had seen Kieran pass through. He described him to newspaper vendor, butcher, and asked around in the general store, post office, hotel, and checked to see if he took a ride from the stagecoach driver, but he got nothing. Kieran must have been worried about running into any gang members or law enforcement and wanted to take the route around any settlements.</p><p>Arthur rode around south of Mount Shann and came to the open road above Owanjila lake, passing by just in case Kieran was there, but he saw no sign of the man, so he continued up north until he got to Little Creek River. He had seen an old abandoned house around here before, and it didn't take too long before he spotted it. This was the only house around, nothing neighbouring it until you got to Wallace Station, so it must be the one Kieran was talking about.</p><p>He brought out his revolver before he reached the entrance just in case some up-and-coming gang decided to make it a hideout, but he didn't feel the need to once he noticed Branwen hitched outside the front door. He was here.</p><p>"Kieran?" he called out, stepping into the house after hitching his own horse next to the other. "Kieran?" he called out once more.</p><p>He got no reply, but there was a strong smell coming from the kitchen. He checked it out, and as he expected, the sink was practically overfilling with freshly caught fish. Someone was surviving here.</p><p>"How'd you find me?" Kieran said, voice low.</p><p>Arthur turned to see the man he was looking for, standing in the door frame with his arms wrapped around himself.</p><p>"A house, huh? So you're living like some domestic family man, now?" he joked, but he knew that Kieran wouldn't laugh.</p><p>"Better to be sleepin' somewhere familiar than somewhere not, save for the fact that you now know where I am. Keeps me away from rabid wildlife and murderers. God knows that people like you were out killin' guys like me as if you were pickin' out berries for the season."</p><p>"I wish I could say you're wrong, but you're probably right."</p><p>Kieran hummed in response. The air between them was near enough hard to see through. There was a tension that was never there before, and should never be. But things happen, and here they are.</p><p>"Been keepin' busy, I see."</p><p>"What do you want, Arthur?" Kieran interrupted.</p><p>"I don't go out of my way like this unless I need somethin', you aughta know that by now." Arthur's tone changed in that split second. Kieran didn't need to be coddled with any sugar coated words. "And if you think I came all this way just to check up on ya, then you're wrong. So how about we skip the theatrics, and you come back to camp with me?"</p><p>"Why would I do that?" Kieran stepped in from the door frame, standing closer to Arthur.</p><p>"Because things have changed. The gang have some apologisin' to do to ya, and I'm not gonna lie, so do you, but this ain't gon' be somethin' we just forget about and go our separate ways on. With us is where you're meant to be. It's your home now, a'ight?"</p><p>"Yeah, like I'm supposed to believe that? Don't act stupid, Arthur, and don't think I am, neither. Nobody wants me there. Nobody ever wanted to welcome an O'Driscoll into their family. Hell, not even I would. This is the way it should be." Kieran motioned around him. "You took me away from Colm that day I met you, and I thank you for that, but that didn't mean I needed to become your hostage, and I didn't need to prove myself to nobody. I should have just gone on my way the second Dutch untied me from that tree, and now I have. The gang is better off that way, and they think so, too."</p><p>"To hell with that, Kieran! Just because some of the people in the camp feel that way, doesn't mean everyone does. Does Abigail treat you like that? No. Does John? Does Mary-Beth? Pearson? Charles? Hosea? Lenny? Did <em>Sean </em>treat you like that?"</p><p>"Arthur." Kieran saw where the man's mind was turning to. Suddenly it wasn't about him anymore.</p><p>"Did Sean ever tell you that you didn't deserve your place here? No! He made jokes about you being an O'Driscoll from time to time, and I know that, but he would've saved you should you have needed it! And guess what, he did! He died for you! He got shot trying to protect you! He was a good kid! And don't you tell me no different!"</p><p>"I'm not—" Kieran started, before Arthur cut him off once more.</p><p>"He was a good kid!"</p><p>Arthur wasn't one to lose his composure. He got angry from time to time, who doesn't? But he was breaking. He was a man who could no longer hold the lid on his troubles.</p><p>He didn't look at Kieran. He just turned his back and leaned on the counter with his knuckles, digging his nails into his palms.</p><p>"I don't mean to take it out on ya," he said after a minute.</p><p>"I-I know ya didn't, Arthur." Kieran put a hand on Arthur's back, and that connection was much needed. For both of them. Arthur took a deep breath, his vulnerability showing in his shaky exhale. He turned slow, facing Kieran once more.</p><p>"Javier lied, you know."</p><p>"About what?"</p><p>"When he said that I'd moved on. He told me he said that to you, and it ain't true. It just ain't."</p><p>"It's okay if it is." Kieran sounded like he had come to accept the fact that he thought Arthur didn't care about him anymore.</p><p>"It <em>ain't</em>." Arthur's eyes bore into Kieran's. Arthur wasn't a liar, and Kieran knew that. He wouldn't lie about this.</p><p>"All right," Kieran whispered. "All right," he repeated, more to himself than to Arthur.</p><p>"We ain't leavin' things like this. We'll make this right. Once we get Jack back, we can—"</p><p>"What?" Kieran froze, brows furrowing in alarm and question.</p><p>"Javier didn't tell ya?"</p><p>"No, what about Jack?" Kieran's breath started to become audible, and Arthur took in a deep breath of his own.</p><p>"Colm got him. That son of a bitch went and gone took a goddamn kid. We spent damn near most of yesterday tearing down a lot of Colm's camps tryna find him."</p><p>"That's… That's why Javier was in Colm's camp? He was looking for Jack?"</p><p>"Yeah. Not that he was supposed to, with his arm and all."</p><p>"Why did Colm take Jack? Why the boy?"</p><p>Arthur wished that the whole gang could be here right now to see the state that Kieran was in. He was just as upset as everyone else that Jack was taken. He cared about the kid, he saw him as his family, and he knew that if he was with them yesterday he would have taken pride in joining them in the search for him. This wasn't the shaken face of an O'Driscoll. This was a Van der Linde, a man who cared about the gang and would do anything to protect them. How could they think he was anything but that?</p><p>"Maybe Colm knew that it would piss us all off the most, and boy has it. Any of us can handle ourselves on our own, but Jack's just a kid and he needs us. Maybe he wanted us to do exactly what we're doing now, going into his camps with nothing but rage and guns. Man wants a fight, and that's what he's gettin'."</p><p>Kieran wiped his hands down his face and through his hair, pacing for a moment around the kitchen before turning back to Arthur.</p><p>"Y-You should be with everyone. You should be lookin' for Jack, they could use all the help they need."</p><p>"They have everyone lookin' for 'im, but there's no one lookin' for you. That had to be me, didn't it?"</p><p>"Jack is more important."</p><p>"You can't keep doin' that," Arthur whispered, shaking his head.</p><p>"Doing what?"</p><p>"Thinkin' you ain't important. Thinkin' you're second best to anyone else in the gang."</p><p>"Jesus, Arthur, ain't you been listenin'? I aint part of that family. I'm just an O'Driscoll to them, and I don't know why you think any different. I know I've been tryna get everyone to think I'm not, but what's the use? I don't belong with them, so what does it matter whether they think I'm an O'Driscoll or not? I'm out here now, I'm gonna live alone, and I ain't gon' be part of anything or be anywhere I don't belong."</p><p>"I'm done losin' folk, Kier." Arthur was shaking his head, tired of this whole mess. "When I lose people, it's 'cause they die, it ain't 'cause they walk away. I ain't lettin' you walk away."</p><p>"I ain't welcome there, Arthur, I don't know how many times I gotta say it."</p><p>"Then I'll be in both places if I have to."</p><p>"What do you mean?"</p><p>"I'll spend time in camp with everyone, but I'll also be here with you if that's how it's gotta be. I ain't gon' let you be alone, I won't have that."</p><p>"What does that even mean, Arthur?" Kieran asked. He was getting tired of having this conversation in his head, and now that he was having it in real life it became too much. "You keep sayin' stuff like this, and I don't know what you mean."</p><p>"What do you mean, what do I mean? I mean I wanna be here. With you."</p><p>"That may mean somethin' completely different to you compared to how I see it."</p><p>"Then please, Kieran, tell me how <em>you</em> see it."</p><p>"I…" Kieran started, but realised that the moment he had been thinking about over and over was right now, and he had nothing to say. But he was here now, standing in the middle of nowhere with Arthur Morgan, and he finally realised what he wanted all along. He wanted the man standing opposite him. He wanted Arthur Morgan. Plain and simple.</p><p>What did he have to lose? In all seriousness, what? He had no one. Nothing. Not necessarily in the worst sense, but in that he had a fresh start. He could go any direction here, and he could begin with this one. If things went sideways, then he could take another turn, no harm done.</p><p>So he took the first step.</p><p>He brought up his hands to Arthur's face, and the man was stiff. Kieran didn't blame him. He felt the same inside, but he was tired of holding back. Being kidnapped as much as he was taught him that in a moment everything could be taken away, so he wanted to act now.</p><p>The crackle of the fireplace was the only noise in the house. The small brushes of fingers on skin was enough to ease Arthur's muscles, and they were both drowning into each other.</p><p><em>Don't hate me for this,</em> Kieran thought, and let himself fall into Arthur.</p><p>He brushed his lips against the older man's, just a faint touch, a feather on water. It was a lot like bungee jumping, because no matter how much people tried to ease your nerves, in the end it did nothing to dull the feeling of when you actually took the leap.</p><p>No one was pulling away. So he pushed further, and their breaths mingled together. Arthur brought his hand up and it hovered over Kieran's waist for a moment, unsure of how this worked. But there were never rules in his life, and there wasn't any now. He let it settle on the smaller frame, feeling the nerves emerge as butterflies in his stomach and mind.</p><p>Kieran. This was Kieran. And it was okay.</p><p>It was more than okay. It was… euphoric. He felt like a young teen again, running away from the law and falling into the hands of outlaws. What was so wrong in the eyes of so many felt so right to Arthur. It was what made him who he was and what he did.</p><p>He was filled with the thought that his mind was still tainted with common folk propaganda that this was wrong. A man like Arthur and a man like Kieran. Men. Not only that, but a Van der Linde and an ex-O'Driscoll. It made the kiss seem like a doomed romance, but Arthur thought with his gut, not his mind. And he felt pretty damn good about this down there.</p><p>With a twitch of a smile on his lips, he bowed down further into the kiss, his hold around Kieran tightening and bringing him closer. He wanted him to know that this was okay, that he understood just how much Kieran had thought and dreamed and wanted this, and that he was beginning to feel the same way. He knew that this was what they both needed. He needed Kieran to understand. Understand that to Arthur, he was everything. He was the reason Arthur was changing. He was the reason Arthur saw himself as a better man. And he was the reason he came all the way out here in the middle of nowhere just to tell him that he was all those reasons.</p><p>Kieran felt it. He felt the emotions swimming in his head, and it made him feel faint. His fantasies were coming true and he was terrified. He released himself from the kiss, but kept close. He couldn't hold in the laugh that escaped his lips, and he brought a hand up to cover his eyes. He just couldn't believe he was here right now, and that Arthur still hadn't pushed him away. He didn't know what he expected, but he sure as hell expected to wake up from some kind of dream, but he now knew that that wasn't going to happen. This was as real as his love for Arthur, and the man felt a semblance of that love back to him.</p><p>"I woke up chained to a wall yesterday mornin', how the hell is this happenin'?" he laughed, still nervous but for a much different reason this time.</p><p>Arthur smiled down at the man that was covering his eyes and brought his lips to the man's forehead.</p><p>"I woke up this mornin' fearin' I was gonna have to bury you, but now I'm thinkin' I don't wanna let go."</p><p>"I ain't goin' anywhere, Arthur." Kieran let his hand slip away from his eyes, and Arthur was still here. He wasn't a figment of his imagination. He was here with him.</p><p>"Me neither, Kieran," he said, closing his eyes and holding the man tighter. "Me neither."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Phaeacia</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u"></span>
  <em>"May I stand unshaken<br/></em>
  <em>Amidst, amidst a crashing world?"<br/></em>
  <em>- D'Angelo<br/></em>
  <em>'Unshaken'</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>1</strong>
</p><p>Arthur woke to an empty bed. It had been a while since he had a roof over his head in a place that wasn't a hotel, and he still woke up feeling like he was missing something. The sunrise was peeking through the drawn drapes, casting an orange glow into the room and warming the sheets that would otherwise be cold from his absent partner.</p><p>Kieran. He had spent the night with Kieran. It was almost too difficult to comprehend.</p><p>Now wasn't the time to be questioning his sexuality, or what the others may think should he tell them. He was never against men loving one another, but he sure as hell never took it into account for himself and what he liked. He had only been with women in the past, and he thought he was fine with that, but Kieran was… Kieran.</p><p>Arthur got dressed and checked around the house for the other man but he wasn't around. He was about to head out to see if he may have taken a morning fishing trip down by Owanjila, but he found a letter on the dining room table before he left. He took a seat and started reading.</p><p>
  <em>Dear Arthur,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>There's nothing I wanted more than to wake up with you this morning, but I cannot rest until this war is over. Colm needs to be dealt with. I may know where Jack is being held. He has a safe house up in Mount Hagen, south of Lake Isabella, I'm sure you know where.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I need you to go back to Shady Belle and tell the rest of the group. I couldn't go with you. Someone needed to go up there now, and it needs to be me. I need to put a wrench in the machine that is Colm O'Driscoll. I owe it to you all. This is my proving.</em>
</p><p><em>I hope you don't see this as me running away. For the first time in my life, I'm running </em>towards <em>the fight, and I'm not afraid. It's no longer about me, it's about my family. You and the gang. If I die before you get there, know I went with pride. And if Jack dies with me, I ask for nothing more than your forgiveness.</em></p><p>
  <em>I will see you soon, my love. In one life or another.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kieran.</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>2</strong>
</p><p>The harsh ice winds felt like whip slashes on Kieran's skin. He could feel his exposed flesh turning red from the crisp air as he ascended up the mountain. He had a job to do. A purpose that belonged to him.</p><p>If there were any horse or footprints embedded in the snow from yesterday by Colm and Jack, then the weather conditions had swept them away throughout the night, though Kieran didn't need a trail to know that they were up there. He was sure of it. To take from Dutch Van der Linde something so precious would be beyond wars among the camps. This was life or death, and Colm intended to survive.</p><p>Kieran reached the peak of the mountain quicker than Colm probably did. He was determined, and Jack's life was on the line.</p><p>"Colm!" Kieran shouted, huddled over to protect himself against the freezing temperatures. "Come out!" There was noise coming from the large shack, and he hoped that it wasn't some wolves or a bear that had made it a home. "Come out and let's talk like men!" He knew that if Colm was in there then he would be keeling over in laughter at the idea of him talking like some big man, but he was past caring what Colm thought about him. He wasn't a stable boy right now, nor was he anyone's prisoner. He was Kieran Duffy.</p><p>"Lookin' for me, boy?" Colm's voice came from the larger shack. Kieran turned and aimed his gun up at the man. He looked half dead already, his skin turned ashy from the cold temperature, but Kieran wasn't looking at that. He was looking at Jack, who looked frightened yet was keeping his composure enough not to provoke Colm. He had a death grip on the child's shirt to keep him from running off, and even in the snowy mountains it make Kieran's blood boil.</p><p>"Kieran!" Jack called out, and it made the man feel a surge of determination seeing the look of desperation on the boy's face at the sight of him. Kieran hoped that Jack knew he wasn't leaving here without him, he just couldn't tell him in words.</p><p>"Now don't tell me you came all the way up here by yourself?" Colm said.</p><p>"I could ask the same of you."</p><p>"I've got all the insurance right here." Colm moved his gun from Kieran to Jack. "As long as I've got the boy, you ain't shootin' nobody."</p><p>"Let him go, Colm."</p><p>"I don't think so. He's worth too much to me."</p><p>"He's just a boy! He ain't got nothin' you need."</p><p>"No, that's where you're wrong. See, it ain't no mistake you knowin' I was up here. I knew your desperation to please Dutch's group would bring you to me, and there ain't nothin' your gang would want to protect more than little Jack. But this don't have to be the end of the line for you, boy. Either way I got you. The only thing you gotta choose is whether you wanna live or die. Join me and earn some real money. Join me and live." Kieran just laughed and shook his head, not trusting a word he said. That line was crossed long ago.</p><p>"After I've abandoned you twice? Murdered dozens of your men? I'm supposed to believe you truly think that Kieran Duffy has any place in the O'Driscoll gang? I was never anythin' to you or your people. You don't care about your men, and your men don't care about you. I didn't leave your gang because all you care about is money, I stayed with Dutch's gang because he cares about family."</p><p>"Family?" Colm's whole attitude changed. He was no longer welcoming Kieran back into his group, and now gave him the same look he always did. He was used to seeing him switch like that. "You ain't family to him, boy! Dutch never bothered to send anyone out to look for you went you went missin'. It wasn't Dutch nor Arthur that saved ya. It was the Mexican, and he weren't even lookin' for ya! He came for the boy, and you just happened to be there! You call that family? No, that's <em>luck</em>." Jack tried to pry open Colm's fingers as he tightened his grip on his shirt, but he wasn't strong enough. Colm only leaned in to tease Kieran. "You could die up here, son, and they won't even waste their breath on carryin' your dead body back down to bury ya. That's if they bother to come up here to save you at all. Put your gun down, and you won't lose here, boy. Come with me and everyone lives. If you wanna make this difficult, then I'll keep you alive just long enough to see little Jack here die, then all of your friends die, and then you die." Colm cocked his gun. "Choose."</p><p>Kieran took in the clearest breath he had ever taken in his life. It was shaky, but the cold air filled his lungs and he had never felt so alive. "Go to hell."</p><p>Colm just smiled.</p><p>
  <strong>3</strong>
</p><p>A sound came out from the forest around them, and some of the group thought they had all gone crazy as they tried to find the disembodied voice.</p><p>"Dutch!" It became clearer, and Mary-Beth pointed out Arthur riding into camp, his horse panting from being pushed to their limits.</p><p>"Arthur," Dutch replied, leading the group towards the man, although Arthur didn't dismount.</p><p>"We gotta go to Mount Hagen right fuckin' now. Kieran thinks that Colm may be up there with Jack."</p><p>"Oh, Jesus." Dutch huffed a laugh, looking around at the rest of the crew as though they were going to laugh with him. "You're gonna follow that O'Driscoll boy into a mountain of snow?"</p><p>"Enough of that, Dutch." Arthur was done playing around, not that he was in the first place. "I'm going, and we go together. That's what we do. Now get your coats and get on your damn horses, we're not gonna stop riding until we get there."</p><p>Most of the gang didn't need to be told again. They listened to Arthur the same way they usually listen to Dutch. In that moment, Arthur was the leader of the group, and they did what he asked, not because it's their job to listen but because they trusted him, more than they'd trusted Dutch in a while.</p><p>"Seriously, Arthur," Micah spat, "what part of your soiled little brain isn't picking up that this is just one of Kieran's ploys to get revenge on us not letting him into our family?"</p><p>"I <em>know</em> it ain't a ploy, but the reason I'm goin' doesn't have to be your reason too, Micah. If Kieran really is lyin', for your peace of mind only, then why wouldn't we go? There will be O'Driscolls up there, Colm most likely. Don't you want him dead? Why wouldn't we want to follow the bear into the cave?"</p><p>"You really are a blind man indeed, cow poke."</p><p>"Think whatever you want, you little rat, but I'm goin', and by the looks of it, so is everyone else. You'll follow Dutch wherever he goes, and so I ask you, Dutch, now more than ever." Arthur looked to his friend, although he questions if that's what he is nowadays. "Are you with me?"</p><p>Dutch looked up at the man on the horse, and he saw beyond the desperate eyes of a man on a mission. He saw a young Arthur with nowhere to go, an Arthur that was looking for a family. He remember a younger version of himself reaching out a hand to the boy, taking him in and calling him son. That's what he saw, and that's who he followed up the mountain that day.</p><p>
  <strong>4</strong>
</p><p>They reached the peak of Mount Hagen about an hour before sunset, when the sky was starting to tint with pink but was still bright.</p><p>"Is this the place?" John asked once a large shack became visible. It was the only shelter they saw since they rode into the snow.</p><p>"I think so," Arthur said, but all hesitation left his voice once he spotted horses hitched around the corner of the cabin. "Yeah. Yeah, there's Branwen. They're here all right."</p><p>"Or they <em>were</em>," Micah chimed in, as though anything he had to say was important.</p><p>"Oh, they're here," Dutch said, eyes squinting, staying alert.</p><p>The group dismounted their own horses, and the sound of their guns clinking as they armed themselves would be heard from inside the cabin even before John called out.</p><p>"Come out!" he yelled. "You wanted us here, you got us! Give us Jack!"</p><p>Silence followed as the group stared down the cabin, approaching slowly, but then the door creaked open, and Colm emerged from the dark once more. Dutch saw the manic expression he was so familiar with, though Colm was hiding behind another man for cover. That man was Kieran. He wasn't struggling, just locked eyes with each member of the gang. The eyes said something. They read letters of what may be a dead man, words that he couldn't write or speak out loud.</p><p>"You've come all this way, Dutch," Colm teased. "For once, let's end a fight without spilling blood, huh?"</p><p>"Oh," Dutch drew it out, "it's far too late for that, Colm. It was <em>always</em> supposed to end this way."</p><p>"Was it?" Colm moved his head to Kieran's other shoulder and tightened his grip on him, who kept quiet and didn't flinch. "Was I supposed to end up like you? A strong leader herding his people like sheep? That's a fairytale life for an outlaw, Dutch. I don't need your people. I don't need mine. I just need the money on your head, and I'm gone."</p><p>"That's a big ask comin' from someone with none of his men standing by his side," Sadie said.</p><p>"Like I said, I don't need 'em. I got all the assurance I need right here. And besides, I'm not lookin' for a war. I'm looking for a deal."</p><p>"You want me to turn myself in?" Dutch asked.</p><p>"In exchange for Jack?" Colm's head jerked to inside the cabin. "For Kieran? I think that's a pretty good deal if you ask me."</p><p>"What makes you think we won't come for you once you're gone?" Bill threatened.</p><p>"Oh, I'll be gone," Colm whispered. "I'll be long gone. I may as well be dead to all of ya."</p><p>"There's all of us, and one of you, Colm. Why don't we just shoot ya?" Arthur called.</p><p>"And risk putting a bullet in poor Kieran here?" Arthur's eyes turned to Kieran, who was looking back at him. He wasn't asking to be saved, and had looked like he was ready to accept death should it take him. Arthur wasn't ready for that. He really wasn't. "You're all loyal to the wrong man. Did any of y'all know that Dutch wanted to let Kieran here die, when he knew he didn't kill little ole' Sean? That's right. I told him all about this little weazel's attempts at takin' down my men in Rhodes, and how Sean died protectin' him. Ole' Dutch didn't fill you in on that, did he? No. He lied to you. And don't y'all think that this was the first time. Nor will it be the last, I can assure you of that."</p><p>"It's over, Colm!" John shouted. "Give us Jack! Give me back my son!"</p><p>"Sure, John," Colm said. "But first you need to realise that this man is worth more to you in jail than free. Hand him over, and you'll get your boy back."</p><p>"Not an option," Sadie said, cocking her weapon. "Let them go. Now."</p><p>"A traitor trade, that's all this is. An innocent child and a stable boy for a murderer."</p><p>"Nothin' you ain't," she retorted.</p><p>"That's right. But I ain't got you all doin' my biddin', do I? At least not all the time," he smiled. "Make your choice." The air fell silent of voices. The wind was like the beating drum of every person's heartbeat. "Make it." He got no answer, and all patience was long dissolved. With all the breath in his lungs, Colm screamed. "Make your choice!"</p><p>A shot was fired.</p><p>Nobody expected it, so they all shared the same expression of shock, and from that they couldn't tell immediately who had been shot, if anyone.</p><p>But they soon got their answer.</p><p>Colm pushed Kieran away, shoving him towards the group. The boy stumbled a little, but even once he caught his footing he crumbled to his knees. It was then that Arthur saw that he was shot. Right through the stomach.</p><p>"Kieran!" Arthur yelled, and no one in the gang had heard the man sound so broken. He had been there during the deaths of many friends, but he never sounded like that.</p><p>Dutch looked down at the men, watching what happened because of their loyalty to him. In his daze he turned to look to his side.</p><p>Micah. His gun was raised, the wind carrying the gunpowder smoke with it through the mountains. He shot Kieran.</p><p>Dutch was trying to piece together what had happened before he heard another body fall. He thought it may have been Kieran, or Arthur holding him, but instead it was Colm. The man had a hole in his stomach, in the same place as Kieran.</p><p>The bullet that went through Kieran went straight through Colm, too. Two birds, one stone. Or at least Micah saw it that way. The rest of the gang wasn't willing to make that sacrifice. Though it only took one bullet to make that decision, and that decision was already made.</p><p>Colm fell in the doorway of the shack, his blood pooling out and painting the snow a deep red. His hand snuck up onto his body to feel the wound. He knew in that moment he was going to die, and unlike Kieran, he didn't want to accept it.</p><p>Dutch approached the dying man and watched him squirm. The moment Colm looked up from his bleeding stomach to Dutch, his fear switched from death to the man that could give it to him.</p><p>"This is what you wanted, ain't it, Dutch?" he smiled, but there was no happiness in it. "I guess you won. It was a good fight while it lasted. You know it, too, don'tcha? It gave you life. What's worth bein' free if you ain't gotta fight for it, right, old friend?" He struggled to rise up on his elbows, his heavy heart rate only pounding faster and causing him to bleed out quicker. He raised up a hand to Dutch, wanting him to take it. It was a man's game, but Dutch only stared the man down. This became so much more than a game the day Colm murdered Annabelle.</p><p>The raised hand began to shake, the fingers curling and freezing before it fell with the man.</p><p>Colm O'Driscoll was dead.</p><p>Game over.</p><p>Dutch felt a wave wash over him the second the body fell still, the fear frozen on Colm's face.</p><p>He closed his eyes and led his head fall back, taking a deep inhale of the mountain air. Of freedom. The fall of Colm O'Driscoll. But it still wasn't the rise of Dutch Van der Linde. It may have been his fall, too.</p><p>"Kieran," Arthur called, taking hold of his body and laid him on his back. His eyes were glazing, tears falling onto Kieran's freezing cheeks. The rest of the gang felt like they couldn't do anything but watch. "Kieran, stay with me. Keep you're eyes open. Keep 'em on me, you hear?" Kieran did this, but his gaze was distant, fading. A small smile formed on his lips.</p><p>"Arthur," he managed to say.</p><p>"That's right, I'm here," he said, brushing Kieran's hair from his face. "I'm not goin' anywhere, and you ain't neither, all right? So just stay with me."</p><p>"Arthur… I…" Kieran started, but his world started to go black, and the voices around him were beginning to fade, his heart still beating to the sound of Arthur's desperate pleads.</p><p>"No! Stay with me, Kieran! Stay with me!" Arthur held him tight, not letting him go. "Kieran!"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Blame It On The Winter</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u"></span>
  <em>"So the multitude goes — like the flower or the weed<br/></em>
  <em>That withers away to let others succeed."<br/></em>
  <em>- William Knox<br/></em>
  <em>'Mortality'</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>1</strong>
</p><p>Arthur's grip on Kieran's wrists was tight enough to be a tourniquet. He rode on his horse so fast that he almost lost his hat in the wind, and he wouldn't have noticed if he did. He was focused solely on getting Kieran to the nearest doctor, which was in Valentine.</p><p>"Doctor?" Hosea asked to one of the passing civilians on the way. The look on the guy's face told Hosea that he wasn't a doctor, and so they kept riding.</p><p>"Keep hold of him, Arthur!" Javier said, watching as Kieran's pale body slumped against Arthur's back. Arthur was too focused to answer, but his grip was strong, keeping Kieran's arms wrapped around his waist.</p><p>"Pop, we're going too fast!" Jack said, voice being carried away by the wind.</p><p>"Can't slow down, Jack, we gotta get Kieran to a doctor!" John said. Unlike Kieran with Arthur, Jack was seated in front of John, and he kept his grip tight around the kid.</p><p>John couldn't even begin to imagine if Jack got shot, or if he was never found at all. He didn't know who to be angry at the most right now, Colm or Micah, or maybe even Dutch, but now wasn't the time to point fingers and accuse people, they needed to make sure everyone was safe first.</p><p>The gang's horses nearly collided with each others as they halted to a stop outside of the doctor's office in Valentine. Arthur dismounted quicker than he ever had before, pulling Kieran down with him. Charles was by his side in an instant, and they both wrapped Kieran's arms around their shoulders, dragging him into the office and calling for the help.</p><p>"What happened to him?" the doctor asked immediately, gesturing to bring the limp man into the back room. He wasn't shocked to see bloodied men come into his office, he'd long since gotten used to that.</p><p>"Shot," Arthur said.</p><p>"In the stomach," Charles added.</p><p>"Just the once?" the doctor asked, and Arthur wanted to shake the man for not moving fast enough. And by fast enough, he means as fast as Arthur, despite the doctor going as fast as he could for a man of his age.</p><p>"Yes," Charles replied.</p><p>The doctor took a quick glance at Kieran's back, seeing his shirt coated with blood on both sides.</p><p>"Well, it's through and through, that's a good sign."</p><p>"Help him," Arthur ordered.</p><p>"I'll do what I can, son," the man said, and started to cut into Kieran's shirt. Arthur's face winced when he saw there was even more blood underneath the fabric.</p><p>"Come outside, Arthur," Charles said, voice soothing, but it wasn't what Arthur wanted to hear.</p><p>"I gotta help him, I—"</p><p>"You've done all you can, you gotta let the doctor work now. Come outside. Come on." Charles pulled on Arthur's arm, and it took a few tugs to get the man to follow, leaving the doctor with Kieran.</p><p>"Is it bad?" Abigail asked, walking up to the men. She stayed behind in Valentine along with a few others while the rest went up the mountain just in case things went really bad.</p><p>"Just one bullet," Bill said, as though this was great news.</p><p>"One bullet is all it takes," Arthur said, voice frightening Jack, and even some of the gang. "You and I both know damn well just how bad one bullet can be!"</p><p>"Arthur," Javier said.</p><p>"Don't act so godddamn smug about the fact that Kieran got shot!"</p><p>"Arthur," Javier tried again.</p><p>"And by Micah goddamn Bell no less! I aughta kill that fuckin' rat!"</p><p>"Arthur!" Javier put a hand on the man's arm, and Arthur swung back, elbowing right into Javier's face. The man's hand went straight to his mouth, crying out and stumbling back a few steps.</p><p>"Hey!" Charles said, voice firm. It wasn't hateful, just more to bring the man down from his rage.</p><p>"Enough of this!" Hosea announced. "What happens now is out of our control. We need to be united at this time, not throwing harsh words at one another, but if you don't think you can do that then maybe you need to step away. Now Kieran is going to be in there a while by the looks of it, so we need to just calm down and wait this out."</p><p>Arthur turned to look at Javier, with Charles and Tilly standing beside him, trying to get a look at his face. Javier pulled his hand away, and there was a thin stream of blood coming from his nose. Tilly brought out a handkerchief and started to dab at the blood.</p><p>"Javier, I… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—"</p><p>"It's okay, Arthur," Javier said. "You're upset, I get that. We're good." The blood stained down onto Javier's lip, and he winced at the taste of metal.</p><p>"I'm sorry too, Arthur," Bill said, and you could tell by the tone of his voice that he wasn't a man that was used to apologising, but he knew when it was needed. "I didn't mean to sound smug about it, I just thought that it coulda been worse, is all."</p><p>"I know," Arthur said, taking off his hat and running a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry too, I just… I'm worried about him."</p><p>"We know." Abigail put a hand on his arm, lighter than Javier did, and the knot in her stomach eased when Arthur didn't swing at her too. Arthur looked down at Jack, who was looking between the group with worried eyes.</p><p>"I'm glad you're safe, kid," Arthur said. "Colm didn't hurt ya, did he?"</p><p>"No," he said. "He scared me though, uncle Arthur. Kept saying how he was going to hurt ma and pa."</p><p>"Well he can't do that now, can he?" Arthur said, crouching down so Jack had to look down at him.</p><p>"I guess not," he smiled, and Arthur smiled back. "Kieran tried to save me."</p><p>"He did, did he?"</p><p>"Yeah. I was afraid that the Colm man was gonna hurt him."</p><p>"Well Kieran's a strong one, ain't he?" Dutch said, stepping forward, and Arthur looked over his shoulder at him. "You make sure to say thank you when you see him."</p><p>"I will," Jack said, nodding once.</p><p>"Colm?" Abigail said to John, voice low although everyone heard.</p><p>"He's dead. About damn time, too."</p><p>"How'd it happen?" Karen asked. The gang looked around at each other, wanting anyone else to say it.</p><p>"It was Micah," Dutch said, and it was then that everyone wished that they had spoken up first. "He killed Colm."</p><p>"Micah killed Colm?" Abigail's voice was disbelieving. "I wouldn't have seen that comin'."</p><p>"And he damn near almost killed Kieran while doin' it."</p><p>"Where is Micah?" Tilly asked, Javier's nose dried up by now, but still holding the bloodied handkerchief in her hand.</p><p>"I told him to go his own way for now. Don't think none of us need to be seein' him after this," Dutch said.</p><p>"Sounds to me like an excuse to let him go," Arthur said.</p><p>"Or maybe if he was here, you'd still be throwing punches," Dutch retorted. "Trust me, I'm saving us all a whole other argument right now."</p><p>"Or maybe you don't want to be blamed for trusting a guy like him who's willing to lose one of his own."</p><p>"This is not the time!" Hosea said, being the counterweight once again. "If you have beef with someone, then split up. We've got nothin' to do here but wait, so let's do it peacefully and respectfully. We're not the only people in this town."</p><p>"Then we better hear some good news," Arthur said, eyes still locked onto Dutch's, "or you're gonna wish that an argument is all this was." With that, Arthur moved to sit on a bench on the porch of the doctor's office. It took a few minutes before the gang was settled, scattered around Valentine in random groups, and they waited. And waited. And waited. And waited.</p><p>
  <strong>2</strong>
</p><p>Two hours passed. They had to stop Arthur three times from going into the doctor's office to find out what the hell was going on, assuring him that the doctor needed the time to do his job before Arthur could see him. Eventually the man came out of the office, his apron spattered with blood like he was a butcher.</p><p>"He all right?" Arthur asked immediately, up in the doctor's personal space before he even got out the door.</p><p>"He's stable," he assured. "He's a little drowsy, I gave him some drugs to ease the pain, but the wounds are stitched up, and it should be a smooth recovery."</p><p>"Can I see 'im?"</p><p>"Yes, but please—" Arthur pushed past him and into the office. "…be careful with him." The doctor shook his head, but it was with a small smile, too.</p><p>Kieran jumped a little when the door swung open, but soon eased when he saw it was Arthur.</p><p>"Kieran," Arthur said, moving to sit on the bed, his hands hovering over Kieran's body before settling on taking hold of the man's hands. "Kieran, you fool."</p><p>"Arthur." The man's voice sounded hollow, like he was half dead, and he almost was, but Arthur was beyond grateful that he was conscious and talking.</p><p>"You shouldn't've left like that, you coulda been killed."</p><p>"I don't regret it." Kieran coughed a little, feeling the vibrations move down his stomach and back and throbbed at his bullet wounds. "Is Jack safe?"</p><p>Arthur huffed a laugh, although it wasn't entirely from humour.</p><p>"Yeah, Jack is safe. Not a hair out of place on his head."</p><p>"Good," Kieran smiled, and let his head ease further into the pillow. "John and Abigail must be happy."</p><p>"Real happy. But you got me worried, Kier."</p><p>"I did it though, didn't I?"</p><p>"Did what?"</p><p>"I stood my ground by myself. I gave myself to the cause of the family. Proved myself, I suppose I mean."</p><p>"There's no need for all that," Arthur assured. "Not anymore. You never need to prove yourself to me. I'm sorry it took me until now to really realise that."</p><p>"We all do what we think is right."</p><p>"I suppose we do." Arthur brushed a hair out of Kieran's face. "That look on your face, back on the mountain. I didn't like it."</p><p>"What look?"</p><p>"When Colm had his gun on you. It was like you'd accepted it. Like you were ready to die."</p><p>"Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? Be ready to die for the family?" Arthur didn't answer. Kieran swallowed down, wincing at the pain, and spoke again. "Wouldn't you?"</p><p>It was quiet for a moment, and then another.</p><p>"Yes I would," Arthur nodded. "But that don't mean that you just accept it the minute a gun is pointed at your face. You still gotta fight, you don't just let it happen."</p><p>"Well I trust you," Kieran smiled, or tried to. "I knew one of you would pull a trigger before Colm did, and I was right."</p><p>"Yeah, you were. But it was Micah Bell that pulled the trigger, and he pulled it on you."</p><p>"Don't do that," Kieran whispered.</p><p>"Do what?"</p><p>"That face you make when you talk about things that you can't control. You do that when your gun jams. You do that when you only catch a small fish." Arthur huffed a laugh, and Kieran smiled up at the man. "You do that when you talk about Colm. And you do that when you talk about Micah."</p><p>"What, you don't want me to be angry at him?"</p><p>"I want you to accept that what is out of your control is out of your control. What happens, happens. I ain't sayin' to not fight what needs to be fought, but when you get beat down you gotta know that it's just what happens sometimes. Your gun's gonna jam ever so often, there's always gonna be small fish in the lake, and there's always gonna be people like Colm and Micah." Arthur nodded slightly along to what Kieran was saying, thumb rubbing circles into the man's hand. "But your gun also shoots, and there's also big fish in the lake, and there's also people like us. Good people. People like our family. You can't let Micah poison your idea of that. Don't let him take away <em>your</em> goodness. Don't let him shut out everyone else's light. Don't let him take away everything that I admire about you."</p><p>Arthur's eyes ran all over Kieran's face, and he couldn't resist bringing up his hand and brushing the back of his fingers down Kieran's cheeks, cupping it once he reached his jaw.</p><p>"You're too good of a man, Kieran Duffy."</p><p>"Only 'cause you made me be, Arthur Morgan."</p><p>The both smiled, and Arthur felt no hesitation in leaning down and letting his lips fall onto Kieran's. They were still getting used to the idea of being able to kiss one another, so that mixed in with the reunion kiss after one almost died was overwhelming, and the gentle kiss turned deeper. Kieran whined as he tried to lean up to meet Arthur's lips but his wound stopped him.</p><p>"Careful," Arthur said before kissing him again.</p><p>Kieran buried his hands in Arthur's hair, pulling him down to make up for the distance that Kieran couldn't meet. They kissed until their breaths became too heavy, and the rise and fall of Kieran's stomach became painful. Arthur rested his forehead on Kieran's, breathing the same air.</p><p>"I won't have this be cut short," he whispered. "I won't lose you now. I can't."</p><p>"You won't."</p><p>"I can't risk losing this. I've lost too much, Kieran, I won't lose you. I won't do it. I won't. I won't."</p><p>"I know."</p><p>"I won't lose you." He kissed him again, his breathing be damned. "I won't." He kissed him again. "I won't." Again. "I won't."</p><p>It took them a while before anyone else was welcomed in to see Kieran, until then there were words lost between lips. Promises. Assurances. Hands never letting go and lips never saying goodbye.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. All You Have Is Your Fire</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u"></span>
  <em>"What if we already are<br/></em>
  <em>Who we’ve been dying to become?"<br/></em>
  <em>- Sleeping At Last<br/></em>
  <em>'Four'</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>1</strong>
</p><p>Arthur was able to take Kieran back to Shady Belle a couple weeks later. The rest of the gang went back to camp the night of the incident, not keen on leaving their belongings out in the open overnight, especially in Lemoyne territory, but Arthur stayed in Valentine and by Kieran's bedside the entire time. Kieran wasn't going to suggest going back to his house by Little Creek River, knowing Arthur needed him by his side, and there were still loose ends to tie up with the gang.</p><p>The last thing that Kieran expected was the welcome he received when he arrived. He had his own tent pitched up close to the water and a campfire party waiting for him when he got back. He especially didn't expect to be offered a beer by Bill Williamson.</p><p>"He should be drinkin' water," Susan nagged.</p><p>"Man got shot, Miss Grimshaw," Bill said. "I think having a beer to go with it is the least of his worries. Hell, after all this? I think Kieran is owed all the beer in the camp."</p><p>"Well then I suppose I better stock up the stash for myself," Uncle mumbled, picking up enough beers he could fit in his arms before John stole one from him, almost making them all fall to the ground.</p><p>"It's good to see you alive, Kieran," John said. "Guess we've both been pulled away from the jaws of death by Arthur Morgan."</p><p>"I save your life every time you step into water that goes up to your waist, Marston," Arthur replied.</p><p>"Are you ever <em>not</em> gonna make that joke?"</p><p>"Learn how to swim and I'll start using past tense, but that's as good as it'll get."</p><p>"You see, Kieran?" John gestured to Arthur. "Be careful. This is what you signed up for."</p><p>"Oh, I'm aware, sir," Kieran smiled. "It's real nice that y'all did all this."</p><p>"Yeah," Arthur agreed. "But they look for any excuse to get drunk. We celebrate every time Marston can go in another inch of water before calling for hel—"</p><p>"Arthur!" John chastised, but his smile didn't seem to mind. "Take it easy, Kieran." John patted him on the arm before joining some of the others by the fire. Kieran looked around the camp, seeing everyone happy for the first time since he met them. It was then, for the first time since the death of his parents, that he felt at home.</p><p>
  <strong>2</strong>
</p><p>"Not drinkin' yet, Dutch?" Arthur asked, approaching the man rustling through papers in his tent.</p><p>"Don't care much for the taste of alcohol right now."</p><p>"Well ease up, you're too tense," Arthur said, patting the man on the back. "Colm O'Driscoll is dead. If that ain't a reason to grab a bottle, then there ain't a reason at all."</p><p>"Guess it's just brought up old memories."</p><p>"Drinkin' is for forgettin' as well as celebratin'."</p><p>"Don't feel like I've been thinkin' about Annabelle enough as of late. Losin' Sean, almost losin' Jack, this whole mess with Kieran, it just… it makes me miss the quiet sometimes. It's strange to think we've only just brought them all justice."</p><p>"And you're all right with Micah being the one to do it?"</p><p>"Well," Dutch said, voice faltering for a moment, "I sure wish I was the one to put the bullet in him, but I suppose it ends the same."</p><p>"Where <em>is</em> Micah?"</p><p>Dutch looked like he didn't want to speak, which was rare for the man. Even when he knew he was wrong, he always had something to say.</p><p>"I spoke with him a few days after the incident. I told him that he can't come back," he said. "It's what had to be done. He put Kieran's life in jeopardy, and I know he would do it again should the time ever come, and I sure as hell hope it won't. Even with all my hatred for Colm O'Driscoll, I wouldn't put a bullet through you or anyone else in this camp in order to take him down. It's not how we do things here. Micah, he… he's not one of us. He never was."</p><p>"Well I'm glad you see it that way, even if it is a little late."</p><p>"And for that I apologise." His faced seemed genuine to Arthur. "But please, don't worry about this no more. Enjoy the party, and make sure Kieran does too."</p><p>"You sure I can't grab you a beer?"</p><p>"Maybe a little later."</p><p>"All right." Arthur patted him on the shoulder once more, and the hand lingered. Forgiveness was in the works.</p><p>
  <strong>3</strong>
</p><p>"Ain't no shame in askin' for a little help now and then, Kieran," Abigail said, coming up behind the younger man. "Especially when you're healing from a bullet wound and all."</p><p>Kieran stood up straight after leaning over the stew pot, pouring himself a fresh bowl.</p><p>"I don't wanna be sittin' around too long."</p><p>"Well take it easy at least."</p><p>They stood together for a minute, watching the group around the campfire sing and laugh, patting each other on the backs and sharing food and drink.</p><p>"Arthur sure is glad to have you back," Abigail assured, laying a hand on Kieran's shoulder for a moment. "And so am I. We're finally all where we belong."</p><p>"I love him," Kieran said, out loud and out of nowhere. He felt like in all the years that he had lived, that anyone had ever lived, time belonged to no one, but in that moment, speaking those three words out loud, that was <em>his </em>time. He didn't want to wait to say it. He knew it then for certain, and he wanted the words to be out there.</p><p>"It's about time you realised," Abigail laughed. Kieran supposed that mothers always had a way of knowing.</p><p>"Is it wrong?"</p><p>"To love Arthur?"</p><p>"To love a man," Kieran asked. Abigail just took in a breath like she was contemplating her answer, looking into the fire like the flames and smoke would spell out the reply for her.</p><p>“Kieran, we're living in as modern of a time as it's ever been. What you're experiencin' ain't unheard of. You hear about it more and more it seems. People fightin' for rights in more ways than one; and that's a good thing, mind you. Whether you love a man or a woman, no matter what <em>you </em>are, ain't no business of mine or anybody else's. People like us? Outlaws? We risk gettin' killed just going into town to do some shoppin'. People <em>always </em>wanna kill us. So what should it matter what we do if it ain't gon' make anyone like us any more or any less? But people like Micah? Bill, even? I don't know how they take to that sort of thing. That I'd be mindful of. But me?" Abigail raised a hand to her chest. "I'm a mother, Kieran. I love my son. I'd do anything for my boy. I'd steal for him, I'd lie for him, and I'd kill for him. I <em>have</em> stolen, and lied, and killed for him. You think that just because he should grow up to love someone else's son that I aughta lay down my gun and stop protectin' him?” she scoffed. “Please. There ain't nothin' my son can do to disappoint me. He can be whatever he wants. And if I can feel that way about my own son, then I can feel that way about you. Arthur is a fetching man, Kieran. I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't the first man to look at him in such a way. Besides, I have no room in my heart for hate on people who just want to love. Your question shouldn't have to be whether what you're feeling is right or wrong, but rather whether he feels the same way back or not."</p><p>Kieran turned to look at Arthur, laughing amongst his family. He looked content for the first time in a long while. A genuine smile on his face, at ease and happy.</p><p>"I think he does." Kieran mirrored the same look on his own face as Arthur had. "I really do."</p><p>
  <strong>4</strong>
</p><p>The celebrations of getting Jack and Kieran back and the fall of Colm O'Driscoll went on long into the night. The campfire blazed on, dancing along to the drunk singing and bubbled laughter of the gang. Javier clinked his drink with Kieran, and they shared a lingering look. They both knew what it meant. They knew that their mistakes were just that. Mistakes. They smiled at each other, letting the other know that they all made them, and that they were behind them now.</p><p>John almost stumbled on his way to get another drink, but Arthur caught him, laughing together like it was the funniest thing in the world. Arthur patted John on the shoulder, and the man practically beamed at him. Smile bright and eyes happy.</p><p>But it didn't last.</p><p>John's gaze turned to look over Arthur's shoulder, and the smile faded away, sobering up in a blink of an eye. Soon the rest of the gang started to see what John saw too, and the lively atmosphere of the party died out, leaving nothing but the sound of nature, the spitting fire, and a single pair of footsteps crunching into the ground.</p><p>"You…" Micah growled. "You all are traitors."</p><p>The man wasn't able to walk in a straight line, almost slumping left and right as he approached the group, although he didn't have a drink in a hand, he had a gun.</p><p>"Every, single, one of ya!" His face burned more and more orange as he approached the campfire, circling around it as he pointed to each member of the Van der Linde gang.</p><p>"Micah, what on earth are you doing?" Hosea asked, reaching out a hand without touching him, but it did nothing to stop the man.</p><p>"This group aint nothin' like it used to be." The look on Micah's face was one of disgust, anger, betrayal, the face of a child who's parent told them that they don't love them. "We used to <em>be</em> somethin'. Outlaws. A real gang." Micah began circling the campfire like a tiger stalking its prey. Defensive and offensive at the same time. "But you all lost your <em>taste</em>. You all got <em>weak</em>. Lost your <em>nerve</em>."</p><p>"You don't know nothin', Micah," John fired back, taking a step forward before Abigail's hand on his shoulder held him back.</p><p>"Don't act so tough <em>now</em>, Marston. You're poisonin' your son's mind with these ideas of a good life. Making him think you could ever do somethin' for 'im. Well let me tell you somethin', kid." Micah leaned down towards Jack, eyes peering under his hat, bulging wide and utterly crazy. "Daddy's filling your head with empty promises. Your life ain't gon' be nothin' more than what it is now. Sleepin' on old horse shit and livin' on the brink of starvation for decades upon decades until you die alone in some cave while coyotes chew on your legs."</p><p>"Stop it! You're upsettin' the boy!" John shouted, ripping his shoulder from Abigail's hold and shoving Micah back, stumbling and almost falling into the fire pit before motioning to the scared group around them. "Is this what you wanted? Huh?"</p><p>"What I <em>wanted</em>, Marston, was to stay as we were. But that just wasn't good enough for you now, was it? You and your fairytale dream of living on your own damn ranch and leaving your true family for these two selfish assholes. Some <em>woman</em> and a <em>child</em>."</p><p>"They are my family," John said, voice above a whisper, threatening and deadly. "These people are my family." He motioned to everyone once more. "But you're no family of mine."</p><p>"I know more about family than you ever could. Who was it that left this group for a whole goddamn year? Oh yeah. It was <em>you</em>."</p><p>"Don't push it, Micah," Arthur weighed in, voice low and threatening.</p><p>"Oh!" Micah shouted, laughing into the night air. "We can't forget about Mister Cocksucker over here. To think you couldn't bring any more shame to the group than you already have, you pull the ultimate betrayal on old Dutch and spend your lonely nights with dear old Kieran 'Dumb Fuck' Duffy."</p><p>"Back off," Arthur spat.</p><p>"But that didn't do much for you now, did it? Your little plan to divide our group came back around and hit you on the head. You…" He began laughing hysterically, the flames casting shadows on his face that made him look like the devil himself. "You actually thought that the kid gave a single shit about you? He's a goddamn O'Driscoll! Not only that, but he abandoned you! And you had to be the biggest idiot in mankind and fall for it! You must be a desperately lonely man, Mr Morgan. So low that you can't find yourself a woman and that you would have to go for someone half your age, and a <em>man</em> no less." Micah whispered the last sentence, like he was afraid the wildlife would hear him and maul him alive.</p><p>"Shut your goddamn mouth!"</p><p>"I can't believe that you call yourselves a family! I can't believe that Dutch think that any of you are loyal! And I can't believe that—"</p><p>A shot rang out into the night and nearby birds flew away in defence. Everything stood still, and for a split second everyone thought that they had gone crazy and had possibly imagined the noise.</p><p>But then a single stream of blood caressed its way down Micah's forehead, and straight between his eyes, still scrunched up in his rage, before the liquid slipped under his lip and between his teeth.</p><p>Arthur stared into the eyes of the man, his own face turning from fury to shock. Micah swayed on the spot for a moment before his feet had held their final stance and grew weak. The lifeless body collapsed down to its knees and dropped face first into the blazing fire.</p><p>A silhouette was standing behind where the monster just was, and Arthur looked up to see Dutch holding a revolver up at arms length, a wave of smoke dancing out of the barrel of the gun.</p><p>"Oh my god," someone muttered, it sounded like a woman but it didn't matter who it was. They all felt it. Abigail gathered little Jack into her arms, shielding his eyes and turning her own away from the burning body.</p><p>Arthur's eyes stayed on Dutch's, who kept his own on what became less and less of Micah Bell. His face was contorted into one of disgust and betrayal, but also a hint of sadness and loss. He knew that the Micah lying in front of him was no longer the Micah he had grew to care for as family. For the first time he saw what everyone else had seen for months.</p><p>"Micah is no more." Dutch's voice was nothing like what it had always been. Even in the man's lowest moments, no one had heard him sound so… broken. Defeated.</p><p>The camp turned silent. Everyone thinking about everything and nothing. They'd all killed many people, some guilty, some innocent, but never before had they killed one of their own.</p><p>"Leave him to burn," Dutch said, turning his back to the fire and decaying corpse. "We don't bury our enemies."</p><p>The group watched as Dutch took almost crumbling steps towards the water, reflecting the stars and moonlight. Their once strong and fierce leader was hunched and frail, using what was left of his energy to push the boat by the dock out onto the water. John was the one to break the silence.</p><p>"Dutch."</p><p>He got no reply, and he didn't expect one. He knew the man needed time. They all did. At this point, it was all they had.</p><p>That, and each other.</p><p>If that.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Sacred Unique</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="u"></span>
  <em>"I've spent a lifetime running<br/></em>
  <em>And I always get away<br/></em>
  <em>But with you I'm feeling something<br/></em>
  <em>That makes me want to stay."<br/></em>
  <em>- Sam Smith<br/></em>
  <em>'Writing's On The Wall'</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>1</strong>
</p><p>The night was long, and most got less than a few hours of sleep, but morning came eventually. It always did. And the birds were chirping, as they always do. And people got up and started working, like they always have.</p><p>"I'm a man with a bullet hole in his arm, and I still managed to get up before Arthur Morgan." Javier gave the man a nudge with his leg, waking him from his sleep. Arthur groaned and wiped his face down as he sat up, knowing Javier wasn't going to let him sleep in another five minutes.</p><p>"Not all of us have to wake up an hour early to pick out our outfits, Javier."</p><p>"Ah, there it is. First words of the day and he's already being snarky," Javier said over his shoulder as he went on his way.</p><p>Arthur started to get up, groaning at his complaining joints. Looking around, the gang seemed at peace that morning. Everyone was going about their duties as usual, and there wasn't any passing arguments between Pearson and Sadie, no demands coming from Susan, and no complaints coming from Molly. The air was still thick, but it was like a cramp that you just had to wait out, knowing it would pass. Still, some of the silence was from the absence of Sean. Arthur missed hearing that Irish bastard strolling through camp and being an all round pleasant bother.</p><p>He then looked over at the ashes of what was left of last night's campfire. To a pair of new eyes, you wouldn't even be able to tell that a man perished there last night. But to the gang, it will forever be branded in their minds.</p><p>He found John standing by the water, and went to join him.</p><p>"He still out there?" Arthur asked. John looked over his shoulder at Arthur before looking back out to the lake where Dutch was.</p><p>"Been out there all night. Barely moved from what I've seen."</p><p>"Jesus. He even alive?" John shrugged, and they both laughed. Laughed the way they used to. Like brothers. Like it's always been.</p><p>"I'd go out there and check on him but the last time I stepped foot in a canoe, Uncle shot at it for a joke. I love Dutch, but I ain't gonna drown for him or anyone else."</p><p>Arthur laughed a little too hard at this. He rubbed the blooming tears in his eyes and gave John a pat on the back as a condolence.</p><p>"Maybe leave the two feet deep water to the professionals next time."</p><p>"You're an awful man, Arthur Morgan." The smile on John's face was brighter and more genuine than anything Arthur had seen on him in a long time. It made him feel like, for once, things were actually on the up and up.</p><p>"That I am, but I do look out for ya." He pointed at him, looking in his eyes as he stepped into the spare canoe.</p><p>"That you do."</p><p>
  <strong>2</strong>
</p><p>As Arthur approached Dutch in the larger boat, he paddled in the opposite direction at the last moment to bring the canoe to a stop.</p><p>"The view ain't that much different out here than it is on the shore, you know," Arthur noted, not expecting a response, and not getting one either.</p><p>He decided to take things slow at first, stepping from his canoe to Dutch's boat and taking a seat opposite him, mirroring his posture.</p><p>In those moments, he realised why Dutch was out here for so long. It truly was peaceful. Nothing was as therapeutic as the sound of gentle bodies of water. For a second, Arthur felt a little bad at interrupting the silence and solitude, but he's tired of feeling guilty. At least a few minutes passed before the quiet was broken once more.</p><p>"I failed you." Dutch's voice was hoarse and heavy with guilt. "I failed everyone. I guess I wasn't the leader I made myself out to be. I was blinded by that… that scum and his promises. Blinded by the life I had dreamt of. The life I promised all of you. I didn't want to hear any of you tell me the truth, and I turned to him because he was the devil on my shoulder, whispering all the things I wanted to hear." Dutch huffed out a humourless laugh, shaking his head. "I was a fool. I <em>am</em> a fool."</p><p>"You were," Arthur agreed, keeping his voice at the same level at Dutch's. "But so was I."</p><p>"You knew what Micah was," he whispered, unclear whether he was talking to Arthur or himself.</p><p>"Oh, I knew what Micah was, but I sure didn't know what he was capable of. Maybe… Maybe I was so focused on making Kieran one of us that I didn't realise just how bad Micah was turnin'."</p><p>"Kieran." Dutch closed his eyes, like every bad memory hit him at once. "He doin' all right?"</p><p>"He's doin' fine. Wound will heal in time, we just gotta go easy on 'im." Arthur looked towards the shore where Kieran was eating breakfast with the family.</p><p>For the first time, Dutch raised his eyes and took in Arthur's expression. He watched as his eyes danced around the camp, how his lip twitched into small smiles, and the way he breathed slow. It was the look of a peaceful man. This was what Dutch wanted. Not necessarily for himself, but for the gang, and as he stole a glance at the camp himself, he realised that they all shared that look too.</p><p>"Arthur, I'm sorry."</p><p>The younger turned back to his mentor, seeing nothing but an honest man.</p><p>"Don't you start on that, Dutch, you know I don't—"</p><p>"No, it's necessary, son. I've said things to you that I should have spared for people like Colm and Micah. Done things to Kieran that I…" Dutch's thoughts trailed off as he watched Kieran mingle amongst the group back on shore. They were all so happy. Why on earth did he ever want to take that away from them?</p><p>"I think Kieran carried that weight to Colm for you."</p><p>"He sure did." Dutch straightened his back and pulled down his waistcoat. They swayed there, letting the gentle waves rock the boat, just enjoying each other's company for the first time in a long time where there hadn't been tension. They hoped it was over now, but things were still going to take time if they wanted this to work. It took taking a lot of things off of their chests. Not everything right now, but one step at a time would do the trick.</p><p>"I'm sorry for lyin' to you, son."</p><p>"Lyin'?"</p><p>"About knowin' what happened to Kieran." Arthur looked down to his hands, still feeling uneasy about the whole situation that he just wanted to pass. "I knew he never betrayed us, and I did nothing. I should have told you. I should have told everyone. I let an innocent man get taken, and I did nothing to help him. What kind of leader does that make me?"</p><p>"One that has learned from his mistakes. One that sees when he's done wrong, and knows not to make them choices again. It makes you human, Dutch, just like us. Colm? He didn't learn from nothin'. That's why he's dead. He ain't no leader, 'cause he ain't nothin'. And you ain't him. We don't expect you to be perfect. I ain't, Kieran ain't. No one is. It's life, ain't it?"</p><p>"I suppose you're right." Dutch took in the cold lake air into his lungs and held it there for a moment before letting it free once more. "But my lies almost cost Kieran his life. I almost lost you. You had faith in me, Arthur. You made me what I am, and for that, I thank you. Kieran made <em>you </em>a better person, and I know that now, but back then I thought he was taking you away from us. Ever since he showed up you were always sidin' with him and disagreein' with me. I was afraid of you becoming an <em>O'Driscoll</em>. I know it sounds ridiculous now, but I was an idiot then. It's only because I love you. You're my son, I didn't wanna lose you."</p><p>"I know," Arthur said. "I know you didn't." Dutch felt a little more at ease knowing that Arthur accepted him and his apology.</p><p>"Kieran's a good kid."</p><p>"He is."</p><p>"And he makes you happy?"</p><p>Arthur turned to look at the distant man once more.</p><p>"He does."</p><p>"Good," Dutch affirmed. "Don't you let him go, son. Don't you ever let him go."</p><p>
  <strong>3</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>
      <span class="u">Epilogue - Three months later.</span>
    </em>
  </strong>
</p><p>Kieran was sitting on the fence framing his house by Little Creek River and peering through binoculars at a herd of deer. He watched as one lowered his head and nibbled at the grass. The deer's ears flicked back a couple times before raising his head, turning to look behind it. Kieran panned the binoculars to the right and saw Arthur riding in from the distance with Jack sitting in front of him, two buckets held tight in his arms. Kieran smiled and hopped off, hanging the strap of the binoculars on the fence.</p><p>"Easy does it," Arthur said, bringing the horse to a stop by the gate. "Okay, you first, kid."</p><p>Kieran took the buckets from Jack's arms, and Arthur lifted the kid off his horse before dismounting himself.</p><p>"Look, uncle Kieran!" Jack said, pointing at the bucket. "Look what I caught!"</p><p>"Well those are some mighty big fish you got there, Jack!" Kieran praised, crouching down and observing the bucket. "You catch them all by yourself?"</p><p>"I only needed a little help at first, but I'm practising!"</p><p>"You keep doin' that." Kieran ruffled the kid's head. "Soon you'll be able to do it all by yourself."</p><p>Jack giggled as John and Sadie came up to visit the three.</p><p>"So that's where you disappeared to," John said.</p><p>"How're the houses coming along?" Arthur asked.</p><p>"Each nail is progress. It feels strange, don't it? Havin' a house."</p><p>"Yeah, well it's about time we really settled down proper, you know?"</p><p>"I just can't wait until us girls have our own place. I'm sick of hearin' Uncle snorin' next to my tent every night," Sadie said.</p><p>"Not even your own four walls can cover up that noise," John joked.</p><p>"Well you only gotta deal with it for a little while. You'll be done in no time," Arthur said, wrapping his arm around Kieran's waist.</p><p>"Easy for you to say, your house was already built when we got here," Sadie said.</p><p>"Well if you wanna stick to tents, be my guest."</p><p>"If you wanna lend a hand, be <em>my </em>guest."</p><p>"My duties for today are done, I've been fishin'," Arthur said.</p><p>"I'd hardly call you a fisherman."</p><p>"Hey now, I'll have you know that Kieran is a fantastic fisherman and a fantastic teacher at that." Arthur received a lingering kiss on the cheek in response. "I'm almost as good as he is, in fact."</p><p>"Almost," Kieran emphasised.</p><p>"Well what do you say we get these to Pearson, huh?" John took one of the buckets of fish from Kieran, nodding to the couple before wandering back with Sadie to the many houses in construction east of the river.</p><p>"How about we get a couple of these cookin', and we pass the time until they're ready?"</p><p>"Sounds like a deal," Kieran smiled, and Arthur smiled back. Arthur leaned down and caught Kieran's lips in a kiss that spoke promises of what was to come.</p><p>"I love you, Kieran Duffy."</p><p>"And I love you, Arthur Morgan," Kieran whispered back, stealing one more kiss from the man. With that, they wandered into the house together, their arms linked around each other's waists and smiles stuck on their faces.</p><p>They were finally home.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And we have reached the end! I hope you enjoyed my story. Also thank you to those that left comments and/or kudos, I appreciate each and every one. Be well, and keep on yeehawin'!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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